He just wasn't you.

I broke the sacred covenant today between you and me.

The one thing you had told me would put an infinity between us.

As if your words, sharp as knives, didn't drive me to the brink of insanity. Didn't drown me in my own thoughts and fears. Didn't make the one person I called home feel like a cold lonely void.

That should have been your fears of infinity from the start.

And I feel relieved. And scared.

I feel like a guitar string that has been plucked and snapped and the sharp twang still echoes in my ears. The vibrations trickling down from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. Sending my body buzzing with a kind of numbness I can not even begin to describe.

I still feel broken, but maybe slightly fulfilled.

That was it wasn’t it?

The one thing you told me I could not do.

So it’s over isn’t it ?

This endless battle between my heart and you.

Maybe it is and maybe it won’t be.

Maybe this is what I really wanted. Cut ties between our souls. You said if I shared myself in this way it could never be forgiven. So, without too much detail, I have done the dirty work for you, yet again. The lifeline that connected us pulled apart with someone else's touch. Maybe it wasn't love, but it was enough.

Enough of the bullshit and the hate and the lies. I know he did not love me, but at least he didn't pretend.

And maybe these absolutes are something that I’ve convinced myself of. Maybe if I told you what I had done, you would still consider me yours.

Or maybe you would swoop me back into your arms and whisper sweet promises in my ear. Tell me how much you love me and how much you care. Then when my back is turned and my guard is down you'll throw him in my face. Make me feel the shame I have already burdened myself with. Watch me unravel and spiral and beg. Beg for you, beg for your forgiveness, beg for your love.

How could you be a hypocrite to the desires of a young hot blooded woman.

When I know damn well this promise has been broken on your end, maybe more times than I know. But I'll be the slut and the whore and whatever other insults you think will be enough to break me. My heart has already imploded. Shame me until I cry, but nothing hurt as much as realizing you are not the person I fell in love with. Nothing hurts as much as realizing that someone who says they love me would hurt me like this.

This pain is real. And it snakes it's way through my veins every night. Circulates beneath my skin and weighs heavy on my lungs. My chest tightens and my breath gets short and I wrap my hands around my stomach to keep from falling apart. Wishing, praying, that things could be the way they were. With your arms wrapped around me holding me together. Safe, loved, protected.

And now I just scream, and cry, and convince myself that calling you wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Just to hear your voice, even if the words are un-kind, would calm me enough to sleep. But I can't do those things anymore, so I don't sleep yet.

And I forgive you.

I have to, to heal.

I don't hate you.

I can tell you this much though

He just wasn’t you.