Dating ME

Everyone keeps saying “get back out there” and see what the universe throws at you. That doesn’t work for me anymore. It is no longer my life. I rather stay home and stuff my face with a slice of chocolate cake and repent later.

“Don’t contact me anymore. I deserve so much better than that” is the last text message she sent to her lover of four years.

Why you ask? She literally lost herself in him. At the age of 19, she became his side piece. She was fed the lie of “we are getting a divorce.” It couldn’t be the furthest from the truth.

It rung true because Gabriel spent every night and day with her. So, she focused on the fact that he was dating another girl before her at their job place before she got there, which she found out later.

This man treated her like a queen. He listened to her, took the time out to get to know her, purchased her nice things against her will. She usually gave it back only to find it stashed somewhere later. They took trips, he met her family for God sakes, and she met his young son that clung to her like a koala.

You see, they were out in public. Everyone knew of their relationship. She was happy! At least until his WIFE started calling her phone at 2 a.m. during the leave she took to spend time with my family back home.

“Are you sleeping with my husband?” the wife, Evette asked through the phone. “Excuse me?” she asked dumbfounded but deep down she knew. “Don’t play stupid, bitch,” Evette spat. “Aye, watch your mouth. You’re the bitch!” she retorted.

That was followed by a rant of swear words and insults being exchanged between the two of them. At some point of the conversation she sat quiet as she ingested the evident hurt in Evette’s voice. Here she was the side piece going back and forth with the wife.

If she’s being honest, she only went back and forth because the level of disrespect Evette presented her with. But what about the disrespect she presented Evette with? It’s not disrespectful if she didn’t know Evette’s husband, Gabriel was lying, right?

As stated before, he never gave any indication that he was lying until she started asking for the divorce decree when years had passed by. When he couldn’t deliver, she made the bold and hurtful decision to cut him out of her life, for good this time. There were times where she wanted to take it back and undo the damage that was already done.

She missed him mercilessly. She couldn’t eat, sleep, her body started physically changing, and she couldn’t bring herself to function in a world that didn’t have him in it for an entire month or two. She reminded herself that he wasn’t dead. Gabriel was alive and well but no longer a presence in her life. She found little enjoyment in doing things. She guessed that’s what depression felt like. Either way, she was certain she had done the right thing with cutting him out of her life. How could doing something right hurt so fucking bad?

Even with him out of her life, Gabriel’s wife constant stalking never ceased. Evette was like a rash you took antibiotics for that fades only to pop back up because you didn’t finish the prescription.

She’s almost certain that Evette had shown up at her door before in the past but Gabriel got rid of her before she had the opportunity to check her own damn peephole. She wasn’t stupid. It’s what further prompted her to demand proof of what he said was true. Gabriel continued making excuses time and time again as to why he couldn’t provide his divorce decree.

He’s probably still married until this day but she forced herself to no longer care. There was a time in life where she felt that she wouldn’t have been able to date anyone else. Oddly, I felt the same way when I ended things with her first love, Jayden.

For as long as she could remember, she had been in a relationship and often times losing herself in them. She had lost her identity along the way.

If someone would ask her, “What do you do for fun?” or “What’s your favorite hobby?” she wouldn’t be able to answer either question without surrounding it around a man.

Why do people date? Isn’t it to get one step closer to your happily ever after? Could it be to past time while getting to know someone?

Most times it’s to learn favorite hobbies, career choices, preferred cuisines, and a lot of other identifiable character traits you either find attractive or not.

The thing is, she ALWAYS wraps and bend herself to conform to others desires because she’s a people pleaser by nature. She always guessed that deep down she knew that she would bend but NEVER break in her efforts. It took one heartbreaking catastrophe of a relationship to change her outlook though. It temporarily broke her and she refused to ever let that happen again.

She felt it was time that she got to know herself. She no longer knew what she enjoyed doing. She no longer had a style she preferred. She usually shopped based off the guy she dated and what he was into. Sadly, she no longer knew what her own favorite color was or what she enjoyed eating. You think that’s bad, she hadn’t spoken to her own set of friends as often as she should have. She knew of nothing going on in their lives. She usually found out through social media.

She felt like it was time to take back her power. She wanted to rediscover who the woman she had the potential of becoming.

“I’ll start by Dating ME,” she mumbled to herself.

She started with things she used to enjoy that she lost touch with over the years. She didn’t feel the need to plan because she felt that she would again be restricting herself to man-made mediocrity.

Her day started with a slow jog around the park when the stars still lit the night skies. After, she soaked herself in a warm bath surrounded by the aroma of lavender and vanilla fumes. She stayed in until my skin resembled a prune because she was in a rush for no one.

She moisturized herself with a new body butter she had picked up the day before and laid freely on her bed in nothing but her own skin.

She pulled herself away from the bed comforter and decided to wear a pair of jeans she hadn’t worn in months because they were stuck in the back of her closet. Her white blouse fell off of one shoulder, immediately making her feel sexy.

“I hadn’t felt this way in months!” she mumbled to herself.

She wore her hair in a coils and curly high bun. In her past relationships the men both preferred her hair straight which eventually caused heat damage. She had been destroying her physical and emotional essence trying to impress men that weren’t worthy of her love in the first place. That much was clear as one cheated with her adult niece while she was away and the other earned me a lifetime stalker because he was married and a faithful cheater.

She shook off those negative thoughts and took a good look at herself in the mirror. The reflection smiling back didn’t remind her of the person she once knew. She no longer knew this girl but it was overdue that she got busy doing just that.

“She seems quite interesting!” she said smirking at her reflection.

She gathered her camel colored sling bag and a bottle of water for her drive while allowing her instincts guide her.

She ended up at a well lit brunch spot that had outdoor fans, giving the scenery a beach vibe. She went inside and eyed the menu versus checking it from her car like she usually did for the guy she was with at the time. That’s how she would decide if her and the man she was dating at the time were interested or not. She missed out and ignored her own curiosity if he wasn’t feeling the vibe or the menu of the restaurant even if she was.

“Today and every day after I choose ME!” she mumbled to herself over and over again.

She decided that this first date would be different. It wasn’t about pleasing someone who wasn’t herself. She could be a little selfish without the fear of offended company.

As her waiter approached she squared her shoulders and didn’t dare wait for him to ask what she wanted. She spoke fast and confidently because she was determined to enjoy this date with no delay.

“Shrimp and Grits!” She excitedly tell her waiter, John. “Spicy or mild, ma’am?” he asked. “Spicy!” she quickly respond as she always played it safe when my love for spicy food never died. “Awesome! It’s one of our signature dishes. What would you have to drink? I would recommend one of our signature wines,” John suggested. “I know nothing of wines,” she embarrassingly admitted. “May I recommend the Merlot? Merlot is generally known as a fruity red wine. Depending on which one you choose it’s quite pleasing to a mature palate. How do you feel about the taste of black cherry, raspberry, and plum? What about vanilla or milk chocolate?” John asked intrigued. “I love them all! Give me whatever that one is,” she excitedly replied not waiting on a response. “I’ll have it right out! It’s on the house,” John replied smiling. “You don’t have to!” she quickly objected. “I insist. Bright Cellars are one of our biggest suppliers,” he replied briskly walking away.

Usually the guys she dated never cared for spicy food or a various assortment of wines. Was she so obsessed with trying to mold herself into what they wanted that she became them? We’re they ever compatible? Of course they were! Gabriel was married and he fit her perfectly but he was never truly hers. He hung onto her every word and knew her body better than she did but she still forced herself to fit what “she” thought he was into instead of being herself.

“Turns out, he loved me for me but “I” changed even when it wasn’t require different me because that’s what “I” do,” she thought to herself.

While sitting at her table enjoying her ordered entree, she wiggled her wine glass between her fingers watching the Merlot coat the glass. It moved effortlessly and happily without wavering.

“I can’t believe I’m sitting here taking notes from a glass of wine. I am truly envious of its comfort and the flawless pattern it follows,” she said aloud to no one in particular.

The first splash on her tongue sent her taste buds into a fantastical fruity frenzy. By the time she finished her second glass of Merlot her nerves were relaxed and her body’s muscles no longer held tension. Her mind was clear and her final decision was near.

“No man could make me feel this way if I don’t love ME. It’s nearly impossible if even I couldn’t see. So, why not start by having my first date with ME?” she said aloud to John who stood shocked at her realization.

She pampered herself and dressed in casual attire not to impress onlookers. She went with herself to a restaurant and enjoyed her glass of Merlot while enjoying the spices that coated her tongue from her chosen entree.

It’s okay to love hard but don’t IGNORE those signs that warn you to go the other way. Never lose yourself to a point where what you’re doing is a detriment to your very own existence.

I learned these things once I started Dating ME, Addison Washington.

Love yourself first always...