Before You Bury the Hatchet Do You Forget to Burn the Handle?

I made up with a former friend recently, after years of holding on to a grudge. Grudge is the only word that comes to mind, even though up until now, I thought I had let the issue go.

According to Oxford Languages, a grudge is described as:

" …a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury."

Apparently, I”d been holding on to that persistent feeling of resentment, even after I told the girl I accepted her apology. In essence, I had buried the hatchet.

But I guess I left the handle sticking out the ground, just in case I needed to grab hold and pull it out again.

My persistence and continued resentment had something to do with the fact that my friend P.J. never acknowledged what she was apologizing for.

She always pretended to be completely clueless as to why I was upset.

Considering how my “upset” behavior towards her came directly after a specific situation and series of events, I wasn’t buying her ignorance.

This denial made it hard for me to even begin to enter into a dialogue about the main issue, which was her failure to have my back, because of her imagined peer pressure.

Instead of boring you with all the he said she said, I’ll sum the situation up in a nutshell.

I got upset with P.J. several years ago because she didn’t behave like I thought a true friend should behave.

It stemmed from a situation where, in her mind, there wasn’t enough of her to go around, so she had to pick a side.

Navigating friendships between two sets of friends is hard

Have you ever been in a situation where you have to navigate between spending time with old childhood friends (them) versus spending time with newer friends (me).

Finding yourself in this kind of circumstance is nothing new. It happens more often than not, especially as you get older and friendships begin to change.

In a perfect world, this may not be that big a deal, and things should go just as smoothly as one therapist by the name of Claire Law described when she said:

“Your old friends know you to well, care for you unconditionally, and are not going anywhere if you make new friends.”

Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes the older friend (or friends) are resentful. But then again, sometimes the pressure to feel like you have to choose is something we put on ourselves. The reality of our situation is usually one of the following two, or somewhere in the middle.

You’re only assuming the two groups will clash, but you could be misreading the situation.

Even if friend group A (older) can’t seem to co-exist with friend group B (newer), your true friends (in both groups) should be able to be okay with sharing their time, because it’s important to you.

Finding forgiveness when you feel wronged is even harder

From the very beginning, my issue was never with anyone in P.J.’s older group of friends, even though she always put me on the back burner for them.

I felt like it was her call, and she should have been the one to stand up and make it clear that she was a friend to all of us, and that we all should accept that.

We didn’t have to hang together if there was a clash among us. To the best of my knowledge there wasn’t, unless P.J. just wasn’t telling me.

Anyway, the situation that transpired and ultimately ended our friendship, was not the first such episode. It was the third serious episode that amounted to the same thing each time. I’m not much of a baseball fan, but in my book, three strikes and she was out.

Later down the line, after years of not being able to address the issue honestly, I finally gave up. Being a former neighbor in my building, I still saw her periodically, so one day we talked briefly and I accepted her blanket apology that she insisted on giving.

I sincerely thought I forgave her, although I knew I wouldn’t forget, and I certainly didn’t want to rekindle the “friendship” that I now believed never truly existed.

So that was where we left it for the past five years until now…

I finally burned the handle and watched it go up in smoke

I have no idea what made me pick up my cell phone and dial P.J. when I did. I wasn’t just thinking about her. I hadn’t seen or talked to her in a while. And nothing I had seen, heard, or did, had suddenly reminded me of her.

I didn’t even know I was about to make the call until I scrolled and specifically located her name. With only a brief second of hesitation, I hit the call button; without even trying to figure out how to proceed next.

My name obviously came up on the screen, because she knew immediately who it was. The crazy thing is, there were no awkward pauses or discomfort about what to say.

We just started talking like the past several years didn’t even exist. We laughed and gave occasional sighs of disbelief, as we brought each other up to speed on our lives.

Eventually, I knew it was time to finally clear the air, so naturally I brought up the elephant in the room.

I gave in and spelled out exactly what my beef was with her, after all those years of being too mad to even discuss the situation. It didn’t matter anymore, that she refused to not know how she wronged me.

I laid it out so plainly, that she could never have that excuse again. In truth, this new knowledge seemed to do very little to make her truly see the light as to how she made me feel.

We know how to tell when someone is genuinely sorry about something, and whether they comprehend how they were wrong.

P.J. didn’t.

But that’s okay. Because even though she still needs to tell herself that she was innocent of any wrong doing, I no longer need to hear her admit it, or have her feel sorry for having done it.

I buried the hatched, burned the handle, and now I’m free of the whole damn thing!

Will I talk to P.J. again, and possibly go hang out or get drinks? Probably. After all, I’m not one to hold grudges :-)

Final Thoughts

It’s really funny how life has a way of forcing you to grow up and mature in your thinking. I believe that’s what happened to me somewhere along the way.

I don’t know what motivated me to call and truly make amends with P.J., but I’m glad I did. I can’t explain it, but I somehow feel lighter and less burdened.

If you have someone in your life, or who was once in your life, and you feel the need to clear the air, don’t resist the urge.

So many times, when we know for a fact that we’re in the right, we end up clinging to our righteous indignation to a fault.

• Is that something that is happening to you?
• Do you know someone who could use this information?

If you answered yes — at least once — make sure you bookmark this story and share it, or post it where it will do you the most good.

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