A high school pep rally gave me one of the greatest social shocks of my life

I entered high school at age 14 and was not prepared for what was about to happen to me. In order to get to the story let me give you the background. I was 5 feet 5 inches tall and about 85 pounds. I was the only African American student who was tall, skinny, light-skinned, and extremely shy. I felt awkward and out of place because no other black girls looked like me. The white girls came in all shapes and sizes but out of about 30 black girls in the school, I was the only one who looked like me.

I was the lightest, the thinnest, and the most awkward. I was not the tallest but my small frame made me look taller and skinnier than I really was. I began experiencing what I now know is paranoia. I would walk so stiff that others would notice and call me out on it and my underarms sweated so badly during 9th grade that I had to stuff tissues under each armpit.

During lunch, all the black students would sit together at the same row of tables and I did not understand. I thought integration was about mingling with those of a different race. I had white friends but dared not sit with them because there would be repercussions on the school bus and in my neighborhood. I reluctantly sat at the table with the other African Americans but I was nervous the entire time and did not really talk to anyone.

In addition to my outward appearance, I was the oddball, the uncool girl, the geek, the nerd. I did not wear my hair in an afro and I did not use the urban slang of that day. You would not have heard me say, right on, solid, or what's happening and I did not refer to anyone as soul brother or soul sister. I was also was a finicky eater which I could not help and I kept wondering over and over, "Why me?"I was teased, laughed at, picked on, and put down almost daily about my weight, my complexion. how I walked, talked, and my strange eating habits.

So now we come to the day where I felt that someone should take me away in a straight jacket. It was the day the school had the first pep rally I walked into the gym and froze. I immediately noticed that all the black students were seated on the bleachers on the opposite side of the building. Both sides were full as the entire student body was present. If I sat on the nearest bleachers I would stand out like a sore thumb and get teased when I got on the school bus and called an Uncle Tom. I realized I was going to have to walk across that gym with the entire student body looking at me and I wanted to turn and run.

I became really stiff, my heart was pounding in my ears, I began to shake and tears filled my eyes. Under both of my arms, I began to sweat profusely and I did not have any tissues stuffed in my armpits. I felt like the deer in the headlights and did not know what to do but I forced myself to walk. Those 40 or 50 steps seemed like an eternity and it felt as if everyone was starring at me. I just knew that those looking at me could tell how out of place I felt. As I was almost on the other side one of the coaches walked past me. He was a short, rotund man with blonde hair and glasses and I remember his name was Coach Urganbrite.

I almost walked right into him and it seemed to me that he gave me a dirty look and I felt so ashamed. I felt intimidated and for the rest of the year, I avoided this man like the plague. I literally believed he thought I was an idiot and in reality, he probably did not even know my name or recall the incident. I wished that I had walked into the gym with at least 2 or 3 others but instead I was walking the walk of shame alone.

I began to hyperventilate and dropped my head so I did not make any eye contact. I finally made it to the other side and took a seat on the end of one of the bleachers. As I looked around I felt so embarrassed because all the blacks were seated together. I wondered what was the point of integration if we were going to segregate ourselves. It felt to me as if all the white students were looking and pointing at us and questioning why were separated ourselves.

I did not have anything in common with these teens except the color of my skin. Most of them made fun of me so I considered myself a hypocrite. Still, I sat there, stiff as a board with sweat rolling down my sides and tears in my eyes. I held tight to my pocketbook wished I could disappear. No one in 1972 talked about depression, or social anxiety and all I knew was that something was very different and off about me.

I felt so alone and did not know what to do. I vaguely remember hearing the song "The Horse" which was the school theme song. I recall the cheerleaders in the floor doing their thing but it was as if I were in a dream, or rather a nightmare. When the pep rally ended the other students jumped up and ran past me, with some bumping into me without even saying excuse me. I had not one true friend to walk with to the school bus and I felt so alone.

I was dealing with all of these varied emotions and no one knew nor cared that I needed help. My issues were not strong enough for me to be put in special education but I knew I fell short of being "norma;" or what I thought it meant. I slowly made my way to the restroom and got lots of toilet tissue. I used the first round to dry under my arms and my side. I used the rest to place under my armpits until I got home. It was not normal to sweat so profusely or to be literally scared stiff, but it was my life and I remember that day as if it just happened.