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5 Phrases that Show the Reality of Intersectionality in Social Justice

Brown women are tired of hearing these

By QalamPublished 3 years ago 8 min read
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From Unsplash by Shahin khalaji

What will people think? Just the natural fears of Asian families. But that is not to say this attribute is only typical of a certain culture. In the age of social media where people of all classes and statuses are connected to one another, we are seeking social validation. And this leads us to think more about what other people are thinking of us and less about how we feel within ourselves.

However, there still remains stark cultural differences in many other areas. And this difference is not felt as strongly by anyone else than brown girls. Whether it is growing to realise the unfairness of gender inequality to being burdened carrying the ‘honor and pride of their families’ — or should I say, the men in their lives.

These are the most commonly used phrases by brown parents, and believe me, their intentions of using these phrases are nothing beyond care and protection.

But we don’t realise until late that these have messages that are much deeper and beyond the intentions of our parents. It is the cultural teaching that has persisted since the beginning of civilization in every culture. They been have adopted in their upbringing and now it is being passed onto another generation.

Heritage is beautiful but, passing down misogynistic ideas and phrases is not so cool. It is never too late to focus on the impacts of our words. We have the ability to reverse the problematic impacts of our words, then why not use them to empower and not just protect and care for our daughters.

If you’re brown, then, I bet you have heard at least one of these before: tell me any others you’ve been told.

1. You can do what you want after you get married

The one phrase that girls in their late teens have heard way too much. And the funny thing is it isn't even about protection.

In essence, this is about honor, pride, dignity, and respect.

It is the emphasis on marriage that baffles a young girl. This phrase directly tells a young girl that being single or unmarried is simply not an option.

Brown girl often hears this whenever they pursue a path to independence. Whether it is a discussion about going to University, living alone, or just going on a weekend retreat with the girls. The response is usually on the same lines of: “You can do whatever you wish after you get married.”

And that will be one of the biggest lies, if not the biggest, a brown girl hears in her life.

Because marriage is an institution where a woman has to make sacrifices and investments bigger than men, girls simply do not have the freedom of doing whatever they wish to.

This phrase has to be done away with within the 21st century. These words tell a girl that she needs to seek the permission of a man she doesn’t know, probably doesn’t exist to make her life decisions.

This doesn’t quite fit in with the imaginations of the ambitious women of today’s age.

No young girl should hear this again, else their simplest demands will be seen as rebellion.

2. You should be more like this girl or their daughter

The comparison game. Inevitable in brown culture, and this one applies to boys as much as it does to girls.

The intention behind this is motivation. Brown parents say this to their children to inspire them, to do better and bigger things in life.

But the point is that just because someone else is doing something it doesn’t make it the only way to success. It may be successful for someone else but the same thing won’t necessarily work for me. I may have greater potential in a different area.

Whenever you are caught on your phone, loitering around or just chilling, the lectures begin and you better take notes:

Your cousin is a CEO, Doctor, and is on her way to becoming the next president.

Alright, this is exaggerated, these aren’t the exact words. But, when you are constantly compared to the daughters of distant relatives you’ve never met before, these are the words we hear.

Parental expectations aren’t bad in themselves but when they are imposed to pressure your every phase of life, it can be a little suffocating. These expectations are just unrealistic.

It wouldn’t be of great surprise when you think of brown girls leading in their academic performances just to ensure they can live up to expectations. Because we know even before growing into adult bodies that we need to prove our worth.

The desire to live up to expectations, the restricting pressures of traditional career options, and then there’s the inequality of being a minority in the wider society. Topped with self-doubts and imposter syndrome.

In full honesty, it may seem like we need a break. But the truth is we don’t, after a lifetime of hustling we don’t like stopping. But more than a break we need acceptance, a hug, and support for our aspirations, and not just comparison.

The comparison makes it seem like this life is a social experiment, where one object is trying to overtake another, regardless of comparing the variables in question.

3. How will you get married? Who will marry you?

When I said brown culture badly attaches the worth of their daughters to their husbands or should we say the men we don’t even know exist. It really is bad.

Here we revisit the recurring theme of marriage and its emphasised importance through every phase of our lives.

These are often questions to discipline a young girl. Whenever she fails to do a task.

More specifically when she is lazy about household chores or doesn’t take any interest in the maintenance of the house. Or if she messes up in the kitchen.

In the modern world, where girls are allowed to work and be independent and become breadwinners like men used to before, they remain pressured to adopt every perfect trait possible.

Handle your studies, household chores, be polite and hold it all in never burst out on anyone because that is not respectful.

Meanwhile, I have never heard someone talk about the reverse with boys. There has not been an expectation of men to start working more in the house and perfect their household chores because of the fact that they are no longer the sole breadwinner. Interesting.

Observing the current world around me, I am more than eager to see the changes in society if questions of such sorts were posed to boys.

Imagine “how will you ever keep any girl happy?”

This seems like a distant utopian world.

This phrase has to be put away now, like some ancestral heritage because marriage certainly is not a goal young girls are actively preparing themselves for.

4. Our daughters are our sons

When I was a little girl hearing this sentence directed towards me made me smile and reflecting now, I think, it was because it made me feel proud.

This is usually said by relatives to parents of only daughters, or when a son is not living up to the traditional expectations set out for men. Although, problematic when this sentence is said in the context of looking after your parents and becoming a breadwinner, it is still fine. We understand the sentiments behind them.

Let me tell you when it is not fine to use this sentence. This sentence should not be said to a girl when she has achieved a significant position for herself in a professional setting. Or should we say she has overachieved? Because you don’t get appraisals achieving something everyone has.

It is frustrating when you get exceptional grades, big salaries, or breaking the glass ceiling and making history, and you hear “you’re not a girl, you’re the son of the house.”

Really? I genuinely do not think my genitals have suddenly changed just because I have become successful.

Personally, my response to this is: No, I am a girl and I am achieving big things as a girl.

What’s worse? It is the fact these are mere words. We are not treated with the same privilege as boys are even after being successful.

Still comes the emphasis on being able to run the household, no matter how much of a champion you are in the professional setting.

5. Be respectful and polite, like a good girl should be

No matter how rude, disrespectful, or toxic your elders are, a good brown girl will never show any attitude.

But the contrast of the same story when it is boys in place of girls is pretty astonishing but to your average brown girls, it’s just another resource of frustration.

Whether a boy shouts, punches, or cusses at his parents the justification is. Yes, you’ve guessed it right, “Boys will be boys.”

While politeness is a great attribute to have, it is also right to think of your girls as humans.

Oftentimes, showing emotions through hugging and kissing is stigmatised in brown culture. When being raised in a multicultural society and witnessing other parents suffocate their children with kisses and affection, it really does convey to us that we are missing something.

And when it comes to affection and love it hits you much deeper. Perhaps why it is not a wider discussion in brown communities is because we like to avoid conversions we can't explain just in case things get too awkward.

It’s sad that we have to learn that showing love and affection is not dirty or impolite for that matter.

Family
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About the Creator

Qalam

Thinker. Writer.

Instagram:@qalam.blog

Medium:@Qalam.blog

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