A Playlist for the Ones Who Feel Broken
Those broken pieces were meant to be loved deeply in order to embrace the whole
I know it can be so easy to hate and vilify Valentine's Day. I understand how easy it is to feel jealous about those couples who seem to have it all. Some people like to claim that it's a stupid Hallmark Holiday meant to drive up sales during the frosty months of winter.
I can't say I have ever really hated Valentine's Day- in fact, I'm not so sure any Valentine's day would have ever fully lived up to my expectations anyway. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have spent the last six years as a single lady mostly by choice. It hasn't always been easy. Some nights felt incredibly lonely and so silent that you could hear a pin drop. There were moments of facing a void so deep that I thought I would never recover and nights where I thought my heart would split open from the pain of loneliness.
It has taken a tremendous amount of inner work on my part and a true desire to love all the qualities that I have deemed unworthy and ugly which felt seemingly inescapable at moments. Like a shattered glass on the kitchen floor only instead of shards glass-each piece represented an aspect of myself and I was forced to look closely with each step lest I cut myself or someone else deeper.
Feeling shattered left me feeling like I was homeless. There was a time when I had no clue who I was anymore and staring into the abyss of not knowing who I would become without someone by my side felt scarier than any moment spent in a war zone in Iraq. At times I felt myself wanting to escape from an internal terrorist that seemed to exist somewhere in the confines of my mind and who knew the precise words to be used in order to hurt me the most.
Why are we so afraid to know and love ourselves intimately?
This question arose often as I stared at myself in the mirror and day by day became best friends with the person staring back at me. I stopped romanticizing Valentine's Day and I started recognizing that I could be the ideal lover to myself any day of the week. Candy and flowers on a Tuesday just because? Sure! Chocolate cake while I took a bubble bath? Hell yes! Painting by candlelight while I drank red wine and listened to music that inspired me? F*#k yeah!
The more I understood those raw and vulnerable places within me-the less tender I felt about the world around me. I stopped judging others so harshly and started loving myself more. There were days that turned into nights when I had to pick myself up, forgive myself, heal my inner wounded girl, fix my crown and be my best cheerleader and other days where being that b**ch just came naturally.
This Valentine's Day and any day for that matter- I hope that you can find some greatness in your brokenness. I hope you can turn on this playlist and feel the strength that you carry in your very bones! I hope you too will turn off all the lights and let your soul paint your emotions onto a blank canvas. I hope the bubbles from your bath tickle your nose remind you how precious and beautiful you are and I hope that under the cacophony of candies, flowers and chocolates-you can hear the silent, yet reassuring presence of your everlasting beauty and essence.
I hope you celebrate and love yourself the way no one could ever have done for you in the past and I hope you choose to know yourself intimately. And if nothing else-may this article serve to remind you that you are indeed That B**ch!