I graduated from Stanford University in 2002 with a BA in International Relations and a minor in Psychology and have a Masters in International Affairs from Georgetown University.
As if Life wasn't hard enough, Steve is making things more difficult. As if the Coronovirus epidemic or the dire economic situation in the U.S. isn't taxing enough, I feel even more burdened than I did two weeks ago after the realization sank in of Steve's wrongful actions. Instead of a victim-centered approach, the attention is more about Steve, as always --what he did or didn't do. It has circled back to him once again. It's hard being a 40-year old single woman in the midst of an epidemic, let alone being faced with a crime that my mind cannot justify as having resulted in any fault of my own. After reading a Change.org petition started by my alma mater classmates to remove Josh Hawley (Senate R-MO) from office after yesterday's acts of treason and sedition and assault on American democracy, I wanted to start a petition of my own to have my alma mater disown Steve for his crime - j/k Steve. But this is how serious his actions are -- if one of his sisters had experienced something like this, how would he act? Would he talk and interact with his sisters the next time he sees them and act like nothing happened, that he did nothing? His actions harmed me and he needs to recognize this - the more time goes on with this abuser not acknowledging the wrong and gravity of his actions, the more he will betray the fact that he is a part of the problem -- gross patriarchy. Forget the New Year's plans I had or my aspirations to start 2021 on a positive, uplifted mood. His silence and negligence are horror-invoking and I feel that if he were a human being, he would have taken any kind of step to address what he did so it does not haunt me or come back to haunt him later.
The last 7 days have been the most difficult, emotionally taut and surreal week of my Life. I tried contacting one of the guys who tried to take advantage of me and violate me when I was inebriated and wasn't in a position to consent when I was an undergrad at my alma mater. One of the guys partially apologized, but the other guy - Steve - didn't respond and ignored me altogether even though I tried to reach him at least six or seven times out of a sense of frustration, shock and a need for resolution. I vacillated a lot about whether or not disclose my abuser's name, but after his lack of response, I decided to disclose his first name at least so that you're aware of who he is.
Life has a funny way of revealing and showing things to you. I thought that I would quietly process 2020 and everything crazy that has happened this past year on New Year's Eve even as late as last week. But this past Sunday, I had a realization that two guys at my alma mater took advantage of me on two separate occasions when I was inebriated and was not in a position to consent. I had hoped that I would blissfully bask in the memories of 2020 and the last 20 years as I embark on a new decade. Yet, Universe, in a sharp turn, disclosed things to me I hadn't anticipated. As an addendum to my story which I published two days ago, I am documenting what happened with the two guys that took advantage of me. I tried emailing both of them on December 28, 2020 when the above realization had struck me. The first guy, who is three years older than me, didn't even bother replying to my emails. I guess the fact that he committed a crime of gender-based violence didn't phase him or his "busy life" in Korea. The other guy, who was an RA at the dorm where I was also a staff member, wrote back in a belated email, saying that he "did not receive my first email which may have gone to his spam folder" even though I sent the email from my Alumni account with a subject line - "I think you should read this." He then offered his version of events, which included the line, "I didn't realize you were inebriated" and "I (he) was the one who felt victimized and used." Unbelievable.
Patriarchy found me. Maybe because it was Christmas Day, maybe because it was the Christmas carols I heard on my Spotify list, but I found myself drinking a glass of wine and wondering how I ended up alone on this day. It wasn't because of the lack of other options or because of the Coronovirus. It was because of the fact that I am an inconvenient woman and because patriarchy is evil and it sucks. Over the last two days, I realized that two men from my alma mater had taken advantage of me on two separate occasions when I was inebriated after consuming alcohol with them and I was not able to give consent.
CROSSROADS by Louise Glück My body, now that we will not be traveling together much longer I begin to feel a new tenderness toward you, very raw and unfamiliar,
With the Coronovirus raging on, I've done some exploring around the city to beat the ennui and boredom I have been feeling the past 9 months. From Molly's Cupcake, which won the cupcake war on the Food Network, in the South Loop to a beautiful dog park on Michigan and 14th Ave. to a colorful outside patio bar (Flo & Santos) on South Wabash to a random trip to IKEA and the forest preserves in Schaumberg, yours truly has done some ambulating around the streets of Chicago. I also treated myself to some take-out dim-sum from Minghin, a Michelin restaurant in the South Loop and to some mango and lychee and honeydew bubble tea from the same place (talk about double-fisting :) Although it wasn't the same as eating in at the restaurant with the beautiful decors and ambiance, I loved the siumai, the shrimp crepes, the egg custard tarts, and the BBQ pork buns that transported me to the fares of Hong Kong.
어른/Adult Tears are dropping in the end of a tough day Where am I going? I thought I was hurt as much as possible Guess there's a lot left still
I've been racking up some habits lately during the Coronovirus epidemic, one of them being watching and gorging on Netflix -- the movies I've been meaning to watch and the new shows that have recently come out ("Tiny Pretty Things," anyone?). With my mind numb from about three hours of digesting Netflix shows, I sit down in front of my computer today and as I am filled with part-ennui, excitement, uncertainty, tiredness, and ambivalence, I look to 2021 and reflect back upon this past year.