With the roar of the crowd echoing through the air, the smell of popcorn and beer and peanuts also give the typical sports supporter a sense of witnessing the sublime. Over time, the athletes that take to the field inspire hope, hero-worship, and admiration. But after all of the lights of the ballpark or stadium have faded, all that is left is the shell of the player and if he has not achieved the ultimate goal in his field (a championship), it’s hard to take him seriously. Though such players may have racked up considerable statistics, awards, and other accolades, if they have failed to attain at least one championship during their career, the lingering question remains: how could they run a franchise or commentate on another player who has achieved a ring (or rings) as part of his efforts? As interest in sports like baseball and football dwindle and basketball seems like a predictable affair, the sportsmen who comprise this list did not skate on ice and didn’t participate in professional individual sports. Instead, their teams looked to them to get the job done and bring their respective city home a championship. Alas, all of them have fallen short of the glory of the coveted Larry O’Brien Championship Trophy, the Commissioner’s Trophy, or the Vince Lombardi Trophy, respectively. Though they put in years of practice and indeed displayed incredible skill and dedication, those trophies stood just out of reach. So, get your Shut Up and Jam video games and remember to always have laces out for, “Why Are You Ranking: Worst Ringless Sportsmen Listed from Ugly Golf Swing to Horrible Commentator."
Throughout history, man has needed to see an evil man slip on a banana peel. Thusly, the stand-up comic was created by the Greeks. It was given another name, but that’s not the point. What humor does is take aim at the issues, negativity, irony, or joyousness, and playfulness of life and condense it into bits that produce laughter in the individual. The legends that have come and gone from Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, and George Carlin all have made indelible marks on their journeys to the funny. But over time, a new crop of laugh factories have been produced. All of the stand-up comics that have gathered up the courage to stand in front of tens of people to tens of thousands of people and before home audiences of millions deserve their reverence, even when they’re irreverent. As the late great comic star Rodney Dangerfield would have told you, it’s tough to get any respect. With multi-million-dollar roles and an ever-increasing base generated from the internet, comedians have carved out new lanes to express their snigger-worthy material. From props, one-liners, intense, personal stories, to bits about observing human nature, comics provide an outlet for us to see ourselves and lighten up a little. So grab your ticket to the Purple Onion and call in your phone jacks for Why Are You Ranking: Best Stand-Up Comedians of the past Eleven Years Listed from Chuckle to Guffaw.
Once a darling of the cinema, actress Lindsay Lohan has experienced both the crests and the doldrums of her profession. Through bizarre run-ins with paparazzi to drug and alcohol abuse, to her romantic life being displayed on supermarket magazine covers, Miss Lohan still continues to work, although without as much fanfare or adulation. From her time as an adorable kid actor on the updated version of the The Parent Trap (1998) to the silly but profitable picture Freaky Friday (2003), Lohan was a Disney princess come to life. And of course, arguably her crowning achievement in her career, Mean Girls (2004) sent her into the film world stratosphere. But then, something happened. Or rather, nothing related to her film career happened. Sure, she came back home to Disney with Herbie: Fully Loaded (2005) but her other projects thereafter fizzled or didn’t live up to the critical or commercial expectations that her previous work had garnered. And this is the metaphor for the Decline of the American Empire. The most ethical (not to say that Miss Lohan has the highest moral standards), beautiful, young, and promising nation to ever grace the face of the planet earth has been on the downslope even before current President Trump swore the oath of office. As the descent of a starlet turned bad girl and now treated like a red-headed step child that you keep locked away in the basement, Lohan is America. For over a century, while the nation has experienced great technological strides, it has tumbled back by the axis powers of mysticism, collectivism, and altruism. It is not too late for either Miss Lohan or America. The one-time ingénue and the most moral country in human history have room enough for a comeback. Lindsay Lohan doesn’t seem headed for major collapse with her recent string of independent films and America doesn’t look like Rome during its period of downtrend. There’s hope. So, go look up the word fetch in the Urban Dictionary for Why Are You Ranking: Best Ways That Lindsay Lohan Is the Metaphor for America From Her Reckless to Her Beautiful Points.
Belief in superstitions still persists even though the Age of Enlightenment dispelled those mystical notions centuries ago. Within the realm of booty shaking, loud bass, and wanton drug usage, Hip Hop, hardly anywhere else is the idea of curses so regarded as veracious. Point to the Bay Area rapper Brandon “Lil’ B” McCartney’s infamous alleged “spells” that he cast on rappers and professional basketball players alike. The key to the whole thing is that Lil’ B doesn’t actually believe in curses, allegedly. He just likes to stir the pot (as a part of his cooking dance) and see the facts of reality play themselves out before all of our eyes. Though under 30 years old as of this writing, without a major label, management, or the other accoutrements that go along with being a rap star, Lil’ B has amassed millions of views on his YouTube channel; he has a following of over a million people on Twitter; and he has a deep catalogue of independent music. With the curses and the disses, he proclaims himself to be The BasedGod. This moniker gives him the power to decide whether an individual will be called out and eviscerated culturally based on The BasedGod’s sharp barbs and verbal attacks. For anyone who dares to cross this man, prepare for the scrutiny (at least) of a youngster with enough power to sway an entire genre. So, get your wonton soup and big belts for Why Are You Ranking: Best Lil’ B disses and curses listed from unhappy to Based.
The films of Martin Scorsese excite, provoke, and conjure up deep intellectuality, and meditations on the aestheticization of the initiation of acts of brute force. What separates this cinematic master’s art from his peers is that he gives reason for all of the bloodshed, the punches, the kicks, the shootings. Honor, respect, and justice lie at the crux of all of his filmic offerings. But what is most curious about his pictures are the scenes of domestic disputes that populate the screen. Much has been discussed about the mob hits, the deals gone sour, and the ever mounting body counts that cap off a Scorsese Picture. From his inception, Scorsese has always had a thing for ultraviolence. From his student film, The Big Shave (1967), gore and violence have been staples in Mr. Scorsese’s palette. The editing by Thelma Schoonmaker make the scenes of viciousness digestible and artful. Without the cinematography of shooters like Michael Chapman and Michael Ballhaus and Rodrigo Prieto (among others), the domestic violence scenes would not crackle with as much intensity, fire, and excellent delivery. Scorsese ensures the viewer that these scenes of mostly men verbally abusing or even striking women anticipated what the #MeToo Movement is challenging as of this writing. His movies (though not all of them) feature some of the most brutal acts ever to be committed to celluloid or digital picture. So grab your bags of cocaine and pink suits from the cleaners and enjoy, Why Are You Ranking: Worst domestic dispute scenes in Martin Scorsese films from a shouting match to a punch to the gut.
In this age of schools that ought to be privatized, staff and faculty mean well, but fall short of delivering facts when it comes to history. Throughout the decades, American government schools have offered an adequate amount of education. This satisfactory performance has lead some students to believe in “facts” that never happened, “heroes” that were butchers, and actual heroes who are maligned for their immense fortunes (and how they earned them). Though the school system is fouled up, it is not beyond repair. With the introduction of private schooling, the children and adults of America and the world may still have a chance to salvage what little learning they have and put it to good use in a career that they love. The teachers who have taught “fake history” are to blame but only because their teachers and instructors put in their heads to deliver drivel to the students. What hope is there? If schools are not looked at like the Department of Motor Vehicle (DMV) or United States Postal Service (USPS) and instead viewed as corporations or companies, then the young minds of tomorrow may still have a chance. But until then, let’s grab our tablets and founding documents for, “Why Are You Ranking: Worst fake history to be taught in government schools listed from false truth to pants-on-fire lie.”