I would like to start off with saying that this is nothing more than a personal experience. Something that was painful to write and open up about. I believe that with things like depression it is so important to be deeply honest. I wrote this as a form of self healing and I'm sharing it in the hope that i can show an insight into how hard day to day life can be when you are plagued with depression. Since writing this i am in a very different place, having taken strides forward in wanting to fight and dealing with my mental health issues. By sharing and talking about things you take away the power which isolates you in them.
Finding happiness seems to becoming a nearly unreachable goal, people search all over for quick fixes and distractions. I have come to the conclusion that the only way to achieve true happiness is through yourself. Being willing and open to putting hard work in. There is no quick fix I'm afraid. It’s a battle that at some point or another we all have to fight. The new year has just passed and with it the expectation to start a fresh. Rather than tell myself what i should be achieving this year I'm choosing to look back on the important lessons I have learnt and how I can continue to grow with these affirmations in mind.
I’ve been trying to capture these thoughts,
As a little girl I found my happiness in books,
I remember the first time i guy looked at me like i was prey, he glanced me up and down and told me that he "would defiantly give it to me". He thought he was being charming, i just felt sick. I remember getting changed at least 4 times before going out because i was scared that if i wore what made me feel good about myself, i would attract unwanted attention. I remember having to spend a night avoiding my boss at a party as he kept trying to pull me into rooms alone, and feeling so intimidated that i felt like i had to ask his permission to leave. I've had to pretend that male friends are my boyfriend whilst out, fearing that this is the only way to get other boys to stop harassing me.
She breathe out a deep sigh,