I was rich and I didn't know it. I was rich when I was a child, and I was rich when I was married. I didn't know it. I didn't know how much I had. It is completely true when Joan sings "you don't know what you've got til it's gone". I lost it all. I've lost many times in my life. The older you get, you'd think it would be easier, but it's the opposite. The older you get, the more the losses hurt. I don't care if this is a story or an essay or just a word collage of my memories. I feel like talking about all the "things" I lost. I feel like paying some respect to the tears I cried, the pain I felt, and how I still long for some of those things.
We all have good and bad memories in our brains. Sometimes we try not to remember the "bad" stuff or we romanticize certain events even if the "relationship" ended because we'd prefer to keep something "positive" in our minds about the experience. However, sometimes there are memories that may be hard to remember, yet remembering them can spare you of present or future pain by avoiding the same mistake.
There are three pieces of "media" that make me happy to view. I am a very solitary person so this current time of quarantine doesn't really change my ways or lifestyle very much. For the most part, I spend my days alone in my home writing or surfing the internet or thinking of some artistic, creative project to enjoy myself with like playing the piano, sewing a n0-sew skirt, or sketching a drawing of something in my mind. These activities may seem insignificant. They are not going to pay my bills or buy me a new car. They won't cure my illnesses or free me from my debts. They probably even won't get noticed or liked by anyone unless I give them as a gift to someone. I do it anyway, because it gives me joy and peace in life. I need joy and peace. They are so very important to me as I near my 49th birthday and realize that my glory days and my youth is really over. I have to look at myself and my life and see what I've done to myself. It's not always a pretty picture to me. Sometimes I'm quite ashamed of myself. I've made many mistakes. I also stood up for people and tried to stand up for "what's right" whatever that means. I am not the "winner" in life. I didn't end up with the big house and a bunch of cool toys to impress the rich neighbors. I'm just lucky to be alive, truth be told. Still, I have a few things that warm my heart being in my possession, and some of them are connected to media: a photograph of me in my wedding dress, a video of my son, and the website Pinterest. These three bits of media bring me joy and hope and comfort when I'm lonely and lost and really not sure who I am or what to do anymore. Have you ever felt that way? Wondering why you woke up this morning? If you haven't, consider yourself blessed. If you have, then you know how hard it is to face the day when you wake up feeling that way. The question of just being seems to haunt you through the whole day. When that happens, I like to watch one of my son's videos and remember that he loves me, and I love him, and even though I wasn't a very good mother, I did the best I could, and just knowing that he turned out to be a beautiful, strong, and loving young man means that just by bringing him into this world, just by creating one life, I did at least one thing that mattered.