She just sat there. If you looked close enough, you could tell she was shivering. I didn’t dare ask her why I simply said “it doesn’t feel like it, but it’ll get better.” She looked at me, tears starting to form. “You know, they all say that”.. she trailed off as her voice cracked and shattered into a million pieces. The tears started streaming and I knew I had to somehow make her see it. “Let me guess .. he left?” She grabbed a cigarette and just stared at it. “I see a bruise. Can I assume?” She sighed, lit the cigarette and barely whispered “I told him I didn’t love him anymore.” I grabbed a cigarette and savored the taste before responding. “You never loved him” and plowing past the protest in her eyes I continued “you said yes because it was easy. It was easy to see yourself with him, to live with him, to let him in. But then it got hard and you didn’t know how to leave. You let him lie to you, you yelled but let him back in your bed, you let him raise a hand to you. You let him get away with calling you a bad name every time he got drunk and mad. You let him make you feel like less than.” She looked offended, I knew she wasn’t getting it. “We let them break us then beg the, to fix us.. that isn’t how it fucking works”. She took a long drag, loooked at me and said “I thought that was how it worked.” I cracked a smile.
Family has always been an odd concept to me. I wasn’t raised in the worst setting but it also wasn’t the best. My real dad never gave a shit about us, my mom had a lot of trauma she never faced, my brother took his anger out on me and my step dad and my mom never got along. As I got older, I started to understand that a lot of their behavior was not acceptable. I dated abusive men, was a poor friend and did a lot of terrible things because I could not accept what had happened to me and couldn’t grow from it. Once I began going to therapy and realized the trauma that I faced, I slowly began to work through it, accept it and grow from it.
The decision to end your life is a weird one. It doesn’t take long, sometimes only seconds. Death seems like the only permanent solution at that point. I have hit that point in several moments in my life. For this story, I will tell you about the last big event and how that decision changed my life.
I never thought I would be in that position. From the time I was 19, I was told I could not have a child and had a low likelihood of even getting pregnant. So I never thought much about it. My period was never really consistent so I also didn’t think about that when I “missed” my period. But then my boobs started to hurt and grow, my chest always hurt and I felt nauseous. I took a pregnancy test and I couldn’t breathe when it said “pregnant” (gotta love those digital tests). I was freaking out. I was newly employed, living on the road and not to mention, my body was already a wreck. I called my best friend and she calmed me down then I told my boyfriend. We discussed it but settled quickly on an abortion. My boyfriend had never considered abortion and was even heavily against it. But with my health issues and current problems, attempting to carry a child just wasn’t a good idea.
In this short guide, I will give you 5 steps to work on, especially for the days that feel so hard. I have struggled with mental illness for most of my life and I know how hard it can be to just get out of bed. Please remember that you are never alone. You will make it through this and you will be okay, it just takes one day at a time.