It's only a phase.
I dig my nails into my palms, deeper and deeper, making little crescent shapes. I push the tip of my tongue into the sharp tooth I like to use, it is dulled over the years, but it still helps. I try to breathe. Stop being such a spazz. It’s difficult though. The thoughts come faster and faster, all at once, creating a dull hum in my head like a hive of bees, slowly getting louder. It makes me want to bang my head right into the table. After a deep breath, I lick my lips, and glance around. I don’t think anyone has noticed us yet. Our disguises are working. I guess you don’t need to try as hard as I do though. I don’t want to say that you’re not real. I think that maybe you are, but I know that they can’t see you. Even I can’t always see you, but I can feel you. Your hand on my shoulder, your claws tapping away at my skin, digging in every now and then to make my body shudder.
Mountains to Climb
There are mountains to climb and no one can do it for me. New year but I am the same me. There is no sudden change that happens when the world finishes going around the sun. Change is rarely ever sudden even when it feels like it is. There is something set in motion, one thing happens because or another and because or another and so on. Change is typically a process. Things need time to grow and they need to be nourished and taken care of. Or those things can be neglected, the wrong things can be done, and those things start to regress. I have neglected myself for far too long and now I have some growing to do.
Your fingertips are on my shoulder, I can feel your nails dig into my skin, My body trembles. Your grip is tight.
Note to Self
I want to write when I’m happy. I want to write about the sunshine, The way it dances along the world. I want to write about the ocean,
It’s warm and bright. My arms spread wide. It’s easy to dance along silver linings. I didn’t know the linings were made of ice.
I sit on the ground, covered in dust. Around me is the rubble. Shards of glass glittering in the sunshine, Splinters splayed along the concrete.
Go big or go home they say. But what if you can’t go big? Don’t worry about going big, Go steady. Maybe your biggest feels miniscule.
I’ve been nauseous for days. My chest has been aching. I find it hard to breathe. All I want to do is sleep. I push myself again and again.