You know in the cartoons where the character has a mini “Angel” on one shoulder and a mini “Devil” on the other? Well picture that, expect one of them is named “Anxiety” and will not stop tapping his foot in your ear, and the other is named “Depression” and sighs despondently whenever you refuse to acknowledge him. Welcome to my head. All the time. Every day. Well…most days. Between therapy and developing a deeper understanding of mental illness I have made some improvements.
At age 8 when all the boys would pick on me and my friends at school we were told that if they were mean to us it meant they liked us.
I have a lot of things to say to you. But when I try to put my thoughts into words, very little comes out. Much like what happened when we were together. It made for a very smooth relationship. At the beginning it was all so…surreal. We were picture perfect. Every cologne-scented note and late night voicemail was like it was picked out of a movie. I don’t even think we ever fought, not even towards the end of our relationship. Looking back, maybe that’s what was needed? Or was there was nothing left to fight for? I think that a lot of what happened between you and I was because I didn’t speak up and say, “I’m not okay with this”. I was complacent, for fear of losing someone I loved so dearly. I would speak my mind but then take it back. Set boundaries but then let you walk all over them. Only speaking out over text messages when you couldn’t look at me with those eyes I had grown to adore. Most of the time I never got a response back. Maybe I should have tried harder? But if three years with someone teaches you anything, it’s that sometimes no response is a response in and of itself.
Growing up, I absolutely loved learning about Greek Mythology. I was always a bit of a nerd and, to me, mixing an ancient history lesson with an element of fantasy or mystique was GOLDEN. So when I stumbled upon the Ancient Greeks, it was a match made in Olympus. The myths and legends fascinated me! The Gods, demi-gods, quests…and let’s not forget the monsters. The Ancient Greeks have some of the most interesting monsters I have ever seen. Some you may know, like the Minotaur, Pegasus, and Cyclops. Others may be more obscure such as the Graeae, Empusa, or the Manticore. But the most popular monster, and the one most discussed, is Medusa the Gorgon. This snake-woman hybrid was said to have the ability to turn man to stone and could only be killed by cutting off her head.
To be quite frank, I don’t like you. And why should I? You were the final wedge between me and someone I loved. I’m not saying it’s 100% your fault. It does take two to tango (or in this case, to cheat). Some of the blame goes to him as well. But you guys are together on this one. You were two peas in a pod.
Do you believe in destiny? What about miracles? Do you think that we are guided through life or that everything is simply happenstance? I used to think that this was just something that hippies and yoga instructors preached about. But I, being the control freak that I am, was sure that I was the captain of my ship. That I was in control. Right? Wrong. Well…kind of.