Reed Alexander
Bio
I'm a horror author and foulmouthed critic of all things horror. New reviews posted every Monday.
@ReedsHorror on TikTok, Threads, Instagram, YouTube, and Mastodon.
Check out my books on Godless: https://godless.com/products/reed-alexander
Stories (309/0)
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Cold Skin' (2017)
SPOILERS!!! I have to start early with the spoilers because there's no talking about this movie while dancing around the fact that both male leads fuck a fish woman. That's kind of the whole plot, really. A lighthouse keeper just wants to tend his lighthouse and fuck his fishwife. Only problem is, the fishwife's relatives keep showing up trying to kill the lighthouse keeper. What's a guy to do other than arm himself to the teeth and make his lighthouse a fortress. That's seriously the whole plot. What this one guy is willing to do so he can keep fucking his fishwife. I get that this guy is an obsessive prick but I'm not sure anyone's that obsessive. I mean, this guy goes to war a couple times every month just to keep fucking his fishwife. At some point he'd have to tap out. I'm flat-out shocked he isn't dead. Defending the lighthouse is a serious job and every time is a near-death situation where he almost loses.
By Reed Alexanderabout a year ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'The Frighteners' (1996)
This movie is proof that Peter Jackson isn't a total hack. A hack couldn't produce something this clever. And yes that means I like this film and I think you should watch it. General PG-13 Audiences will love this movie.
By Reed Alexanderabout a year ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'The Devil Below' (2021)
You know, this was okay. It had the production quality of a SyFy Channel Original. That means shitty CGI minimum. And yeah, that's what you get. The monsters really look like garbage up close. Hell, you see that maw at the bottom of the movie poster? That shit would be good, but they look nothing like that. They kinda look like a shitty CGI version of the Fluke Man from X-Files but with a giant head. I mean, they had practical FX costumes for the monsters, so why not go all in on practical FX? Hell, a shitty rubber monster looks better than a shitty CGI monster. But they basically use lighting and camera filters to cover how bad everything looks. I mean, I know rubber monster suits are expensive, especially when you need at least a dozen, but that's why you have one really good one for up close and a bunch of really basic ones to cover with the lighting and filters. I mean, that's what lighting and filters are for. Like I said in my review of Alien Abduction (2014), it's okay to cover up your shitty rubber monster costumes. You can make the worst rubber monster look good with the right lighting and filters. And, I mean, they seemed to get that in this movie, because they go out of their way to cover up the FX with lighting and filters. So why half-ass CGI when you can whole-ass latex?
By Reed Alexanderabout a year ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'The Wind' (2018)
Ho-lee-crap this movie was fucking forgettable. I seriously mean that. I just watched it two days ago and I can barely remember fuck-all about it. All I can really remember is how much it irritated me. There was very little to like about this movie. I mean, the premise and the plot were fine, it was just a poor execution with a particularly weak ending. And the ending is pretty much my all-time most hated trope next to 'Black Guy Dies First.' If you know my reviews well enough, that's actually a bit of a spoiler but I'll talk about this later in the actual spoilers.
By Reed Alexanderabout a year ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Vampires vs the Bronx' (2020)
Okay, maybe it's on me going into this expecting Attack the Block (2011). That's a really high bar and frankly, there aren't many that live up to it. Needless to say, I went into this with high expectations so keep that in mind as I proceed. And just to get it out of the way, I actually do recommend you give this movie a shot. Horror Heads, even general pg-13 audience.
By Reed Alexanderabout a year ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark' (2019)
What do I say about this movie? It wasn't bad. Actually, it was quite clever but some how it was also really bland. I don't know, maybe it's because it was yet another PG-13 horror movie, which always manages to hamper the movie by castrating the good stuff. Maybe it's because it was based on a children's book and it was bound to be kinda soft. I think maybe they wanted to introduce this to a younger audience but in a way that still appealed to the adults that remember it. I don't know, like I said, it was clever but it just didn't impress me.
By Reed Alexanderabout a year ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Salem's Lot' (1979)
Jesus fuck, why the hell was this so scary when we were kids? It's easy to forget the 'Leave It To Beaver' TV acting of the 70s. Mind you, this was considered premo acting back in those days. It's like my review of Suspiria (1977). It doesn't make sense now that acting has evolved and needs to be more genuine. Back in the days, theater acting was considered more appropriate while today it would only seem hammy. That being said, the acting is still good enough for horror, even by today's standards, so fuck it, it's fine.
By Reed Alexanderabout a year ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Hellraiser' (2022)
Fucking shame on this movie for almost failing my 30-minute rule. Say what you want about the shitty franchise installments from 5-7, at least they got to the meat and potatoes quickly. And the original, ten fucking minutes in and BOOM, cenobites crawling out of every orifice.
By Reed Alexander2 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'The Block Island Sound' (2020)
This was pretty good Lovecraftian Horror. And again, Lovecraftian Horror isn't tentacle monsters, but rather a fantastic descent into madness. This movie depicts it so fucking well, and you're never exactly sure WHAT the fuck is going on. This could have also been cerebral in the way you're never perfectly sure if the main character is crazy or if supernatural shit is actually happening. However, I think that might have made the movie too boring and firmly answering that question is a part of a reveal that makes this movie so worth it. I'll talk about this more in the spoilers.
By Reed Alexander2 years ago in Horror
Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Bone Tomahawk' (2015)
Why was this considered horror? It was in the horror section. It was recommended to me as a horror movie. I was told it was a lot like The Burrowers (2008) which I loved for how dark it was. And yeah, this was pretty fucking dark, but it wasn't horror. It was basically the same movie as The 13th Warrior (1999) just with cowboys. Sure The 13th Warrior had a bit of a horror edge to it, but it was firmly action adventure and so was this. Hell, this was basically just an ultra-violent western like any other western. They just replaced the native Americans with something less offensive. I'm not even sure it worked. Bottom brass, it was still basically Native Americans. I'll talk a little more about this in the spoilers.
By Reed Alexander2 years ago in Horror