First off, I'm going to let it be known right here and now that I am not ashamed to admit that I have a mental illness and I somehow manage to make it through each and every single day of my life without hurting myself or anyone else. Some days this is not an easy task. Some days it takes all I have inside of me just to get up out of bed in the morning. I honestly hate it. There is not one single day where I do not know that I have it because each day it presents a new challenge to my life in one way or another. Please allow me to explain.
So it's been a while since I've written anything and there is an extremely legit reason for it. I'm one week away from giving birth and my baby daddy is still an unbelievable deadbeat who wants absolutely nothing to do with his own daughter which is fine with me because with how fucked up his family is I really don't even want my child associated with them. I'm even wrestling with myself over whether or not to even give her that last name when she's born. I've recently gotten into another relationship with a guy who is the complete opposite of my ex. He actually loves me and my baby right to death and there is nothing in this world that he wouldn't do for either of us. I'm going to be moving into my very own place very soon as well and I've finally gotten the career that I've always wanted; I'm going to be working at a preschool/daycare center. My life is finally coming together and it's all because I got away from the abusive ex and decided to not let anyone or anything stop me from achieving my dreams. I have no one but myself to credit for any of it because I've been the one getting myself to and from appointments, job interviews, filling out any and all paper work that I needed to get done and just basically working on myself so that I could provide a better life for myself and my children. See for the past 7 months I've been homeless. I've been basically doing whatever I can to get by. No, I don't mean that I've been prostituting myself for money what I do mean is I have been cleaning peoples cars, apartments/houses and babysitting just so I can get by when I need money. I can't wait for this nightmare to finally be over so I can get to see what challenges life may hold for me next. Whatever it may be I will be ready and I will overcome them. I know this because I have managed to do it time and time again. I'm hoping this time will be the last time I ever have to do it. I fucking hate having to start over. Truth be told it absolutely sucks! I admit this new chapter that I'm starting is kind of exciting but it's also scary and overwhelming. I've gotten to meet some new and interesting people along the way. I've also learned a lot of new things about myself. I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be. I've learned that I'm resilient. I've learned that I may get knocked down but that I will ALWAYS get myself back up with or without anyone backing my ass up. I've learned that I can pick up my pieces and put myself back together. I've learned to actually give myself credit and to cut myself some slack. I've learned to take things as they come and to no longer sweat the small stuff. This time around I'm going for gold. I won't be distracted nor will I ever allow anyone to take my self respect from me again. I will never allow anyone to ever make me feel worthless. I will never allow someone to make me feel so helpless that I actually attempt to take my own life again. I'm starting over and this time it's for keeps. I now know that I can"t rely on anyone but myself for anything and that's okay with me cause I know I got this.
The life of a single mother isn't all fun and games. It's not at all glamourous. It's dirty, upsetting, tedious, and hard work. It's having to play both good-cop and bad-cop. It's having to say no when deep down you wish you could say yes. It's missing out on sleep when your little ones are sick. It's impromptu doctor visits. It's cleaning food up from off the floor. It's scrubbing permanent marker from the walls. It's tripping over Legos in the dead of the night. It's kissing boo-boos and chasing away boogey monsters. It's hospital visits for broken bones and stitches. It's helping with homework. It's sleepless nights filled with lots of endless worrying. It's missing out on meals so that your children can eat. It's passing up a new pair of shoes for yourself so that your children won't have to do the same. It's making sure your bills and rent are paid so your children won't be homeless or have to go without heat and electricity. It's mending broken hearts and helping your children to achieve their dreams. It's attending concerts, sporting events, spelling bees, and school plays. It's bath-time fun and bedtime hassle. It's balancing work and home. Being a single mother isn't an easy job and it sure as hell isn't for the weak. Being a single mom has its ups and it's downs. I didn't sign up to be a single mother. Believe me there was never a time in my life where I woke up and thought "Gee, I wonder what it would be like to be a single mom." If I'd wanted to love and care for children on my own I would never have wanted a man in my life, I would have just gone to my local sperm bank and told them to fill me up. It would have saved me a hell of a lot of time and trouble. Being a single mom is a thankless job. I don't get paid for what I do. I don't get any awards or any vacation time. What I do get is a lifetime of hugs, sticky kisses, lots of "I love you" and a lifetime of knowing that my children are who and what they are because I, as their mother, cared enough to not only have them but to give them all of my time, love, and attention. Seeing my children grow into loving, responsible human beings and knowing that it is due to my influence is all the reward this single mama could ever ask for. I got a message to all of the single moms out there who may be reading this article at this very moment: I know it's hard. I feel your struggle. Just know, that in the end, it will all be worth it. I promise.
I think everyone at one point and time can say they have had some pretty lousy dates with some unappealing human beings. I think I may have the story to beat all stories.
How do you get over four years of loving someone with every last fiber of your being? How do you go on knowing that this nightmare is real? How do you stop the tears that just seem to keep falling? How do you watch the person you once considered to be your everything disappear and be replaced with someone you don't know? How do you get over the loss of what you had always hoped would be a forever deal? How do you tell yourself not to love that person anymore? How do you tell your heart that it's over for good even though your head has known it was for some time? How do you tell your mind that every kiss, every hug, and every intimate moment you shared was all built on lies? How do you watch the one you once loved love someone else? How do you get over every moment of laughter? How do you get over the struggles and the heartaches the both of you once shared? How do you survive the loss of your best friend? How do you explain to others how you feel so that they can truly understand and respond appropriately? How do you say goodbye to all of your yesterdays? How do you know what (if anything) was real and what was fake? How do you train yourself to not think about that person? How do you teach yourself to no longer care?