One soul. 2 personas. A constant battle wages to ensure both have their moment in the sun. Calculated and rational versus bold and brazen.
The pieces presented will illustrate them both, I'll let you determine which one you think it is.
It's still falling down...
Thank you for the track All Falls Down. A long time ago, when life was simpler, this was simply a song with a funky beat and great lyrics that had a great vibe to it. Those were my adolescent days with my juvenile problems that felt like true cataclysmic catastrophes. Those would pale in comparison to the things that stress me today. This song speaks volumes about the trials and tribulations one will encounter on the road to glory. I’m sure we all know how the song goes, but take into consideration the separate phases the song goes through in just a matter of minutes. Now I’m writing solely based on my own experiences and interpretations of the song. I’ve second-guessed both of my degrees from the moment I got them because it’s so hard to find passion in a field with little to no grey area. “That major that she majored in don’t make no money.” Story of my life. Because the money to be made entails becoming a person I’m not equipped to be. Selling yourself for a dollar is the theme. I thought I could find security in a field that wouldn’t deviate so far from the rules and that hasn’t been the case. The song itself reminds me that things will continue to go wrong as long as you keep focusing on all the wrongs around you. It takes a strong mind to be able to see the positives around you whenever everything seems darkest. The song will transcend time and generations because the problems depicted in the song have continued to plague our society. Many will criticize a person that decides to overlook their shortcomings for the pursuit of happiness. But those same people will also advise you to do what makes you happy. The contradiction lies in the fact that advice can only seem sound when that person is happy with their situation. The struggles we encounter will always be in abundance. It helps define us because the person that rises from being knocked down is never the same person that went down. You rise a little tougher, a little wiser, a lot more determined.
A man, Detached...
A man, Detached Finding the extraordinary in the mundane has become the skill he values most. His initial journey was one set on fulfillment and seeking to obtain more, but just like most things, it evolved and grew into more. It now became a journey of spiritualization once believed to be unobtainable through contemporary means. With each passing day, the distance expands between him and the collective conscience. The collective conscience in this case is society and its structures. These same structures, which used to appear as boundaries for safety, now appear as bars for imprisonment.
2 mysteries.... I woke up and I’ve never seen a face more clearly than I did this one. I thought I knew who she was. I opened my phone and immediately scanned all of my various media to find the woman in my dreams. I heard her voice. I saw her eyes. I felt her hair. I made her laugh. I saw her cry. I didn’t want to let go. I felt at peace with the idea of having finally found my forever. I woke up panicked. I woke up stressed. I woke up severely saddened at the reality that it was just a dream. That I had not figured out one of my greatest mysteries. I so badly wanted that to be the person that I feel God has created for me. I don’t know her name. Or where she lives. How do I know that the dream wasn’t just an amalgamation of my innermost desires? How do I know that it wasn’t God showing me the person that’s meant for me? How do I know I’m not just being overly optimistic or pessimistic? How do I know if I should just have faith that God will bring her to me? I saw the woman that would co create my family. Share my name. Build my legacy. Grow old with. Die with. And the thought that today I have no idea where this woman is saddens me to tears. Because I don’t know what to do next. I can’t work with the idea that I’m just idly waiting for what may just simply be a dream of a beautiful woman. Who can I share this with? Because I don’t understand. I literally have tears because most days I feel empty inside because I am not IN LOVE with anyone. I don’t feel that the woman that is meant to be my forever exists in my current capacity. How do I find her?
A letter to my son
1/30/17 A message to my son.... Writing to someone I'm hoping gets to receive my wisdom and knowledge because it would've been greatly appreciated had my father done the same and granted me half the information, I'm willing to share with my unborn child. I'm thankful for the people God did bless me with to receive the knowledge I do possess.
3/4/21 All of this started with a link to an inspirational video this morning. I woke up groggy, dazed, and disoriented. I didn’t oversleep but I didn’t care to get up on time. I’ll share the link if anyone needs to understand why it invoked so much thought this morning. But it got the wheels turning, and today feels like a day to be great. It’s not another Monday for some reason. But I will capitalize and make something of it. Thanks Coach Coats.
1/11/21 God. If you are there, please answer me. WHY? Why me? Why all this? Why so much struggle, setback, confusion, turmoil? I have faith in YOU. Not man. But I trust man and give man the benefit of the doubt. Man’s failure does not make me doubt YOU, but it does make me dislike man more and doubt what path I am on. I am sick and tired of doing things the right way. I’m sick of watching others make it on luck and circumstance. I take no pride in knowing that I’m staying the course despite the difficulties. I tell myself it’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of the world. IT’S NOT THE END OF THE GODDAMN FUCKING WORLD. I’m sick of being strong. I’m sick of struggling. I’m sick of this life. I’m sick of the hurt, the pain, the hopelessness, the endless optimism. I no longer want to see past the current struggles. Sometimes I do wish my days were numbered just so I could no longer be a coward and take the risks I need to. I’m a coward. That’s the problem. I hold my tongue. I let others manipulate me with the same sad song and dance that I so desperately wish to escape. I’m sick of being misunderstood and alone in my struggles. My burdens are all my own while I shoulder others and provide relief. I miss people that can’t help the situation but just being able to call and say hey, life sucks, and that person tell me that it’s going to be ok without possibly knowing that and make it sound so convincing, I want that. I don’t have that. The strong can become weakened over time. I’ve been beaten and battered by life and I still have so much life to live. So much left to give. But I don’t see how I can possibly do that. No, it's not as simple as my material possessions. It’s not as simple as feeling used up. It’s not as simple as feeling like the whole world is thriving and I’m stuck in neutral. It’s not as simple as feeling like I’m not allowed to have a bad day, week, or month. I want to be in a hole. With no light. And just my thoughts. I want to be filled with my own sorrow and anger and resentment and not feel like a burden because I’m not at my best. The light I used to feel within is all but a faint glimmer. I don’t feel the joy I once did. Fuck a pandemic. Fuck quarantine. Fuck getting older. Life has been a struggle since day one and not one moment have, I ever felt like things were looking up. I just decided to drown the pain and the noise with distractions. Maybe my goals are mere distractions from my fate. Maybe I’m destined to live in mediocrity and be eternally miserable. What if this is my hell? What if I’m merely doomed to live this life until I choose to no longer live it? What if I’m cursed with seeing everyone else around me pursue happiness and I’m simply meant to assist them on their journey? What if my time was never meant to be this long? What if my journey were meant to end years ago and I’m just overstaying my welcome? This world isn’t meant for me and it grows increasingly frustrating trying to make sense of how I am supposed to achieve my desires if they don’t make sense in this reality? I’m rambling. I’m near the edge. I can’t make much sense of anything right now other than I’m supposed to be working BUT WHAT THE FUCK AM I WORKING FOR? I’m so fucking sick and tired of seeing the glass half full when it’s fucking empty. Help is not on the way. It’s up to me to be my own superman. Always has been. I want to indulge all my desires. Instant gratification. This is not a plea for help, it’s a declaration. I can’t be what the world needs me to be because I don’t want to do that anymore. I can’t be a great friend, son, brother, decent person because I am drained of all that comes with it. I’m empty. My soul needs nourishment and my body needs vitality. I feel darkness surrounding me and maybe it’s time to embrace it. None of this is making me feel better. These are carnal emotions and indulging them has not provided any relief. I feel hatred. Resentment. Annoyance. Bitterness. Rage.
Je ne sais quoi.
I’m back. Mentally unavailable. Locked down. Caged. Unable to focus on what my brain has been struggling to verbalize. So much stimuli. Not enough care to break it down to truly understand what the message was I was failing to see. After a little hiatus, I have much needed clarity. Things that once made sense are being reassessed and the answers i didn’t know I needed have made themselves present.
Dear Pops, First off, I love you. Always have, will continue to do so until the next life. Thankful for the man you are because it has helped shaped me in more ways than I can think. The purpose of this piece was to try and openly come to terms with the way things turned out in my upbringing.
My baby girl... My princess. The second girl to have my heart. From the first day I set eyes on you until the last day I close them, you will always know that I’m in your corner, and my love for you better ONLY be second to the man that ultimately weds you. A day won’t pass where you ever have to question if I love you. We will always triumph, the good and the bad, and you’ll know that I only want the ABSOLUTE best for you. Strong chance you will inherit the stubbornness that is notorious in my family. But I’m positive the wisdom you’ll inherit from both your mother and I will help you see past the fury and pride at the most significant of times.
Tangible reality Your reality is a manifestation of what you believe you are worthy and capable of. It’s a direct correlation in so much as if you believe you are destined for greatness, you won’t settle for anything less than because you know what is fated for you. You refuse to buy other people’s perceptions of you, and you don’t allow your circumstances to dictate your future. This process is an evolutionary one because one doesn’t wake up and Instantly adopt this mindset. As humans, we have more power than we are evenly remotely aware of. There’s not a science or name for the intangible presence that you become attuned to. If a person decided that their life sucks and then believe they’re doomed and destined for a life of mediocrity and obscurity, then that is what will be presented, and that person will subconsciously disregard opportunities that could contradict that mindset and put them in advantageous positions. Fear, resentment, failure, and embarrassment will hold a person in check with a higher success rate than any other system of oppression ever could. Your environment has the ability to shape you, but it can never have the authority to define you. Even a plant raised in a violent home can reach its full bloom. May not be by conventional means, but given the nourishment, it will fight to reach maturity and it won’t think twice about whatever obstacles were presented along the way.
The hardest part when feeling the urge to write is the actual writing part. The desire is there, the need is present, but sometimes the brain is slow to spit out the right words. Correction, any words at all that make sense. This probably explains why many of my intros are so terrible because it’s like an old engine that needs a second to get going. I’m not sure where I want this piece to go, hence the title.