DISCLAIMER: This post is in no way a mockery, encouragement, or anything nefarious towards the serious subject of suicide. These are my personal thoughts from a year ago when I myself was going through a ten year depression. If you or someone you know is depressed or having suicidal thoughts, please seek out help and/or call this suicide hot line- National Suicide Prevention Life Line: 1-800-273-8255. Please, from a personal experience, your life is more than worth living.
We take them to the core of our very being. The end goal is to lose ourselves and become something greater. It’s a dreadfully snail like process that arrives like a bullet train. We are happy. Gratefully, we can’t help but lose control of the muscles in our face. We sense that we are grinning widely. Strange to others but familiar to us. All senses are amplified and nulled to force us into ecstasy. Slowly we feel we lose control of the rest of our muscle control. However, we fear not the loss of control, but rather its eventual return to haunt us again. As time flies by like a graceful and elegant hornet, we finally climb to the peak of our mountain. The view is breathtaking. The world seems so much better when we are here. Nothing of evil intent comes our way when here. Truly we are free to be what we both desire to be....or maybe what we actually fear to be. Eventually though, the mountain crumbles with extreme aggression and emotion. We feel nothing but air underneath our feet as we start to dive deep into the well of our innermost mentality. The ongoing experience gives a new addition to us. In the form of a crying child, we greet this person with extreme care and caution. We ask what they are doing in such a place. The child replies with “you both came to me. I’ve been here for as long as I’ve been alive.” In a thousand piece puzzle, we decide to discern this circumstance placed upon us. This child has stated something alarming, yet we fail to understand the magnitude of what his presence signifies. We ask him why he is here and he tell us nothing, and in silence, dew drops flow downward somehow defying the laws of physics. We peer down to see if some force was pulling them downward, but see nothing but pitch black comforting darkness. As we turn our attention back to the child, we are taken a bit back to see that he is walking towards us. How is this possible? All three of us are traversing down into Hades in the same manner, so what makes him able to defy even this? He reaches out his hand like an attempt to be cordial, foolishly, we both take hold of this strange child’s hand. We suddenly feel what we hate the most. A rush of morning dew fills our eyes until they overflow uncontrollably. Our skin crawls as if someone planted centipedes on our epidermis. Our stomachs begin to twist and turn as if they were washing clothes. Drums in our heads bang to signify the approach of an impending war. Loudly, uncomfortably, and soaked we can no longer deny what this child is. Before we are able to do anything further, we see that all of our hands have merged. Instead of being surprised by this feature, we both somehow expected this to occur, and felt happy that it did. We begin to smile again as our soft beds of skin lose their water resistance. Then, like planets to the sun, we feel a great pull in the sure thing of the child. Turning towards him with faces out of a theatre, we see that he is the source of all that has been transpiring from the moment our mountain began to rupture and break. However, all fear and regret is lost as our bodies become intertwined into his. Our last memory is a beckoning smile at each other, and then, naught.
I want you no more. In your origin you seemed fruitful, but through the entirety of the process I saw you for what you really were. The salty drops fall on my meadows no longer. The reservoir from which they originate shall be depleted. These thoughts I have when you appear to me are of the nefarious kind. Like a Nosferatu, your thirst is unquenchable. However, this gluttonous greed that you withhold will be apprehended from your heart. Worry not though. These precious sins of yours shall be put back where they belong. The abyss that I was trapped in will be their new resting place. Seek them not, for you will never reach them. For none of us can return to the place that we were born. Once we decide to grab that light, we cannot return to the comfortable darkness. Not even you, darkness itself may return to it. While in nature you are dark, but it entitles you not to the bed of darkness.