In the end it didn’t have to happen I am writing this to both acknowledge and inform others of my personal experience with having survived COVID-19 aka the Corona virus. For the first time in my life I describe myself as a “survivor” despite having experienced traumatic events. I have never thought of myself as a survivor, just someone who experienced a bad thing and continued to move forward. I do not want to scare anyone; each person’s experience of the virus is different. My experience while scary at times was not as bad as others, especially those who lost their lives. Although I will undoubtedly say something about the government’s handling of this pandemic I do not intend this as a political piece. I will state some opinions and views that I hold but that does not mean for the readers to dismiss my or others’ accounts of their direct or indirect experiences.
Let’s play a game, it will be fun. The rules of the game are you must have an open mind, a great imagination, and not be afraid to dream big or crazy. Cell phones are not allowed and block out all unnecessary noise. For further comfort level you must be alone. Now here is how you play the game, you close your eyes and sit. Take five very deep breaths, rest, and continue sitting. After you take a moment open your eyes. Then write, type or think about if you could change your life right now what would you do? Money is no object because for this game you have all the money you need. Disabilities are not an issue nor is bad health. You don’t have to say “my life is perfect right now, or I have my significant other and my children”; this is not about that. Plus this is just for you and no one else. It’s also not about proving something or hookie pookie stuff, it’s just a game. You can visualize whatever you want to bring into fruition or not, it’s completely up to you because again it’s a game just for you.
I was supposed to be writing a book about customer service and experience for the past … oh that’s not good, I can’t remember which is an indication of how long it’s been, whew child. The book was supposed to be my springboard into my own business consulting firm as I was going to be revolutionary in my approach. After 20 years in sales and customer service I am confident that I have gained enough knowledge and experience to teach and coach businesses on how to increase their profits through the action of customer service. Simple enough. I started to write the book and if memory serves me correctly I have a few chapters. Here’s the hiccup, my heart is not in adding to the multitude of publications already out there about customer service and customer experience that apparently no one is really buying or fully implementing.
I woke up feeling off centered today; not too unusual as I have not awakened feeling good for the past several years. I have come to the realization that as of last year I have been grieving quite a few things. I have been grieving the past me with all her mistakes, things done wrong to her, and issues that simply cannot be swept aside. Grieving family members that have passed, friendships that ghosted themselves, and romantic and family relationship issues that I have resolved to not even mend. The only answer I have for how I cope is that I have fully employed the trick my mom taught me: to navigate life in the third person. I call it the “third person trick”.
The Joy of D-Rated Movies! My most ridiculous childhood memories and development of childish fears have been shaped by the seemingly innocuous adoration that my mother has for D-rated movies. This tale includes TV shows as well because the woman got her kicks through this medium as well. I have a difficult time to this day just hearing the intro music for the Twilight Zone. In perspective please understand that as a 4 to 6 year old girl my comprehension of sci-fi and horror was not as sophisticated as it is currently, so the concepts went right over my head and the fear of the unknown took over. My mother however was a Trekkie before the label was even a consideration and the Twilight Zone was entertainment for her soul. I can recall hiding under sofa cushions or behind whatever chair she was sitting in praying for it all to be over while she laughed at my angst. “It’s just make believe honey, it’s not real, come on and watch it with me” she would call out to me. I don’t think so lady! What the hell is that thing flying onto people’s back? What are those furry things multiplying non-stop? Why do those people have pig noses? I was seriously confused by all the TV shows and movies she would enjoy with abandonment.
No one ever tells that one day you will wake up and you suddenly become 'target practice'. Please know that this new person you have transformed into will be not be a foreigner to those around you. Your loved ones will automatically recognize this new person, friends will greet them with open arms, lovers will touch them with familiarity. The only person who will be hesitant to bring this person into the fold will be you. See what had happened was you got older. Now allow me to quickly inform you that is all you did, you got older; you are not 'target practice'.
“Because I am married and been married since we have known each other!” and just like that, the room fell silent but I smirked and leaned in and said “and it all makes sense now”. I have questions and not the typical scenario questions, I don’t want to know who she is, what she does, or anything else that has to do with her. I don’t want to know why he didn’t tell me when we met, when we became friends, before we had sex, the next time we had sex, our first argument, our last argument, when family members passed, numerous text messages? Why was it not the topic of discussion during the up-tempt times we said we would go our separate ways? None of it made sense or makes sense and it is simply not ever going to either. I have no reason to feel sad or bad about the situation. I can walk with my head held high because I did not break up a happy home or enter into this situation knowing the truth. I am not the deceiver however I do not feel better nor good about any of it.