What do I want in a partner? That's really a hard question that I struggle to answer. Honestly, I'm starting to think this is why all older people tell you to not get married until you're in your 30's, because you're still learning what you need and require in a partner. I'm assuming this based on the fact that I'm constantly figuring out and changing my opinion on what I require.
At 13 years old I sat in a park with my sister, 14, and a group of her friends. No we weren't on the swings or sliding down slides, we weren't anywhere near any of that. We were sitting at the edge of a field, between a few trees. I didn't know anyone except my sister. Most of them were much older, 18 and up. All of them were drug addicts. I will never forget one in particular. He was shaking, sweating and barely making sense. I looked at him and in horror thinking what the hell is wrong with this guy? My sister saw the look on my face and said "He's coming off heroin". Then the guy looked at me, and his (I assume) girlfriend, as she helped him sit down and handed him a bottle of water and he said it had been 24 hours since he last took a hit and this is what happens when you're coming off heroin. My sister looked at me and said "Don't ever do drugs".
All I ever wanted was you.
I was 14 when we met. Still a kid, just learning who I was and what I wanted out of life. You, 15, going through your own things. Dealing with family, friends, also figuring out who you are. You made me laugh, every single day in science class. You had so much energy, you were so kind and funny. But I was into the whole “bad boy,” “must fix him” thing and even though I knew I loved you, I tried not too. I knew you loved me. I mean, you told me. Trust me, I didn’t want to break your heart. You meant more to me than anyone else that we knew. But I tried not to show it. I wanted you to want me, I wanted to seem cool and like I was “out of reach.” Fast forward and that bit me in the ass. I hurt you and you moved on. You fell for someone else. Someone who wasn’t good for you at all. She hurt you, she made you someone you weren’t, she broke you. Despite this we stayed best friends. Secretly in love. Others saw it, we both denied it. We lied to everyone and ourselves. You were the one person I never wanted to leave my life and I did my best to ensure you wouldn’t. I became friends with your girlfriend and tried so hard to make sure you wanted to be my friend. You will never know how hard I tried to keep you around me. Everyday you were the first person I looked for at school and the last person I wanted to leave each day. But I knew there was a distance between us because I had hurt you. Plus the girlfriend. I wanted you to be happy and if that meant you had to be with her well so be it. But I wanted to make sure I was there too. You could have her but you had to still deal with me. Even if I was second place in your life. It was better than not being in any place at all. I loved you. I searched for you. I dated other friends thinking that, maybe, just maybe they could fill the void I was looking for in you. None of them worked out. They weren’t you, they couldn’t even start to replace what I was missing from not having you.
Becoming a mom is an exciting time for most and a scary time for all. There are so many questions with little answers. What kind of mom will you be? Will it come naturally? Are you doing what's right? Breast or bottle?
As a mom there is a lot that you need to worry about. What your kids are eating, how they are learning, if they are growing fast enough etc. etc. Being a mom today, in the electronic age we are in, might be the hardest of all times to be a mom. Okay, it can be argued that it was harder before modern healthcare, but with all the judgement going on around us constantly, I think I have a pretty good argument.
I come home, open my front door to find rose peddles laid on the ground in a path to my bedroom. From the bedroom, I can hear Marvin Gaye on the record player. I take a step in and through the darkness I can see the flickering of candles. I smile and my heart fills with warmth. My husband is fantastic, making this romantic night for me.