Michael DeMarais
Bio
Stories (27/0)
Love Letters to Anne
So, we were adrift, staring at the same sky in the night…wondering about each other…only our homesickness to guide us. We were going to have a party. I was going to drink until I found sweet Abyss. But something else happened that night. My friend who was with us, he got into the vodka and drank about 3/4 of the bottle. I decided to watch over him as he got sick and flailed about the room in his stupor.
By Michael DeMarais2 years ago in Families
Love Letters to Anne
It went on like this for awhile. And then, one day, it seemed like I was getting stable again. Establishing a good routine and a good family life. Living with my girlfriend in a good neighborhood it seemed. Things normalized a bit. I had a good job where I was learning and challenged I was happy to a degree. But there was still a nagging feeling that was driving a nail into the back of my brain.
By Michael DeMarais2 years ago in Families
Love Letters to Anne
Bear with me as I oscillate. I’m going through these memories and emotions in a raw and honest way. The only way I know how. I’m speaking my truth and the facts about all these feelings bubble up in a very non-linear way. Anyway, bear with me.
By Michael DeMarais2 years ago in Families
Love Letters to Anne
Blood and love. These things are what drove me. Belief in them pushed me further. But it was a rough road travelled. You see, my experience with love, both in a family setting, and in a romantic setting, was fraught with negativity and poison. Every love I've had had been toxic. It's what I knew, what I was raised in and eventually emulated. Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not blaming my past for failed marriages, or bad relationships, but it is where I learned all these things in a normative environment, meaning it's what was there. No real examples or even conversations about what healthy love would look like. And all I ever wanted, desperately in fact, was to be loved, to feel that love, and to return that love. But this was missing, so I searched it out in other ways.
By Michael DeMarais2 years ago in Families
Love Letters to Anne
There was a time it seems to me, before the arguments and fighting, I can recall being content, if not happy. Friends and a semblance of security for a time but those times were not frequent, and even in the best of times I was empty, though distracted.
By Michael DeMarais2 years ago in Families
Love Letters to Anne
I can't stress enough how important it was that he offered for me to live with him, and that I accepted it. In a quick nutshell, this time was a time of growth and stability for awhile that we had made ourselves. Carved out of the rock with our own hands. Still something festered in me. I could not escape it, and he has always been there. Especially then.
By Michael DeMarais2 years ago in Families
Love Letters to Anne
So I had let go of everyone. No one was reliable or stable and I was alone in this quest. I pushed forward. Now don’t misunderstand me, I know there are some people who were adopted who had a great experience. Who had been given all the tools and love that was necessary, but that’s not my story. That’s not my truth. And I don’t particularly enjoy going over these memories, but it’s necessary to tell the tale in such a way that you understand where I was and how it was. The burden was crippling at times.
By Michael DeMarais2 years ago in Families
Love Letters to Anne
By 17, I had entered the dark world of the night. I slept late as I could before work and then contemplated where I would be at 3 am later on. I would go to the midnight movies and hang around as I was employed at least twice by the local movie theatre where I had many friends at the time.
By Michael DeMarais2 years ago in Families
Love Letters to Anne
I had just turned 30, and my birthday has always been an emotional day for me. The uncertainties that it brought to the surface, all my insecurities and self-doubts about my origins. I was on the phone with someone and explaining that the not knowing why I was relinquished for adoption was a pain I couldn't keep bearing.
By Michael DeMarais2 years ago in Families
Love Letters to Anne
I remember when computers were first making their ways into homes, we didn't have one, but grandma did. I was never able to grasp completely the nuances of coding even then. But I knew in my heart that one day, someone would making using these easy enough for me to understand them. And then came Microsoft Windows...my patience was born out. And I took every opportunity to learn computers.
By Michael DeMarais2 years ago in Families