I had a dream I was on the Ellen Show, next morning I started writing my book; a few stops and human disasters later I realized a book is cover to cover, I want to inspire minds, hearts and even genitalia.
When I am focus, I tend to make lists; no more than 3 things at a time, that is how I keep my eyes on the ball, I learned this from a co-worker early on in my adulthood: I call these lists “Working On” and they are usually around my desk, or the calendar on the fridge. This helps me remind myself of the goals in my good days and bad days, it helps me figure out road blockers as I go, because I know where I am going, it gives me a vision. I recently learned that I do the same with my emotions, I take an emotion at a time, wrestle with it until I know where it is coming from and how to fix it; the thing is, I have not learned what to do when I can’t fix it; and so, I get stuck on the feeling of not knowing.
When you are raised alone, you gain this strength to pull back from people so fast after being hurt; boundaries, is what you call it. I have cut people off, without hesitating, and most times it was after getting burn by them, or because some how they came too close to making me lose control. I am going to write this as best as I can, so you can understand, my therapist pointed out many times that I used to not take pride on my achievements, that I used to be careful with how I connected to people, and for me this was a struggle because I am a social butterfly.
My favorite movie is “50 Dates” not because her name is Lucy, but because of the core of the movie; how something so dark can be so beautiful, how family will repaint the same room for years just so she can smile her way through the unknown.
I am one of six, the only girl with five brothers; 3 older, 2 younger; the princess you would call me, far from it. Now I do not want my writing to come across as if I am bashing my mother, we have never been in a great stance, but we’ve have come far from where we used to be, and I am grateful; for me to deliver my story, through my own perspective I need to write on my perspective at the time, and at the time I was a child.
Looking back at all the moments that have shape me, the one I am still processing is the time I had an abortion at 5 weeks, 1 day.
Most of the memories with Rafael are of pain, there is not one time when he took me, when it didn't hurt; I think I just learned to block out the pain and let my body shut down, until it was over, the thing is my body never learned to recognize any different when it came to sex. My first orgasm was at 30, my most memorable sexual encounter was at 30 as well, my body learned to recognize different at 30. There is much more detail where those two sentences came from, but for now I'll say that being rape; once or a million times marks not only your brain but your body.
I was lucky enough to find amazing people as I learned about this journey, as I am still learning; the journey of self- rediscovery is not one to take lightly, is a storm, is a lonely road, a quiet Opera.
The hardest part of trying to heal is that you constantly get bullied into who you used to be; in my case, I left my first love and mother of my kids, and since then I have become a whole different version of me, three years now, and though everything surrounding me shows my growth, to her, me leaving the marriage will always be who I am and what I do. At first this was incredibly frustrating, but as time went by, I realized that no explanation, no showing, no type of conversation will ever make her perception of me any different, I left for a man, I am now a hoe, I am man-crazy, d6ck hungry, horrible mother, because I chose something unconventional. When you choose to work on yourself, when you focus on healing and becoming a better version of yourself, people get mad, because why are you seeking what they cannot understand?