Hello, my name is Lilithea Marie-Kathrine(Kat-reen) Adasia. I am going on 35 and have the most wonderful partner in my life that has been at my side for 10+ years and counting. I have been in remission from cancer for a little over a year. I am educated. Have an alright family, I mean I can't lie. There are a few apples on this tree we have tried to nudge out of the orchard, but what family doesn't have at least one? Overall, it seems like a great life, but deep in the center is a huge dark void. A black hole, slowly sucking everything into it and I can't find anything to fill it, to plug it, to satisfy its voracious hunger of everything else in my life. I know what caused it, I know what is supposed to be there, but life, as fickle as it is, has chosen to leave my life void of what it needs.
I saw something awhile back. I can't recall if it was a meme, a post or one of those click bait articles that the internet is flooded with. Either way, I saw it and it was about how holding onto certain relationships can actually be more harmful then letting go, like holding onto a razor wire. We hold onto them so tightly, and by not letting go, we are allowing that relationship to keep cutting into us. A steady stream of pain and hurt as that wire cuts into us the more we hold on, instead of a blast of pain and hurt that can be over come... eventually. I agreed with the analogy, as it has merit, and thought nothing of it until recently, when I was faced with the reality of having to make a choice: do I hold onto that wire or do I let it go?
Have you ever had something on your mind and needed to get it out? Well, that is where I am at right now. I have something in my head I need to share. It needs to come out before I crumble. Hard part about it is finding someone to talk to, so here I am. I was hoping to find someone not related to me, someone who won't tell me what they think I want to hear, but the truth. Someone not afraid to shake me out of this. I so hate when my heart and my head go to battle. I have no clue which to follow.
No this is not a dog, but a person. A person I don't speak of often because to speak of him is almost like giving him power over me. I was, in all honesty, almost prepared to never have to speak of him ever again, until I started to fear for a friend.
"You are wasting your time... That is not going to get you anywhere... Why are you bothering to do that?"
I think I broke my brain. No seriously, I think it packed up its hamster and wheel and just bolted. For the last few days, I have been in a real fog. It has been like watching myself and everyone/thing around me from a 50-yard distance. I know what broke it too, but I am not sure on how to fix it. Well, the ways I have tried have not worked at least. The worst part is, the worse this fog gets the more I feel like I am failing. Perfect example just happened, middle of that sentence my brain decided it wanted to scream, “CRAP, THE LAUNDRY!” I had started it this morning and so far have not finished a whole load and it is now a little after 6 PM. Oh boy, what am I gonna do with my brain?