September is actually asexual awareness month! I've not done anything for it so far, so I wanted to write something to share with you to raise awareness. Today I thought I should address some common myths about asexuality.
I'm the living boyfriend of a dead heroin addict. I'm the living boyfriend with a degenerative genetic disorder who may one day end up in a wheelchair. I'm the boyfriend who has multiple parts of their identity fall under the LGBT+ acronym. These are all parts of me that make me interesting, and an entertaining follow on social media – my life is shocking. However, this is not who I am. I am a person with an in-depth identity, and death, disability, and being LGBT+ are just parts of my timeline.
I’m not always the biggest fan of frilly metaphors about emotions. Sure, I understand what people mean when they say grief comes in waves, and when I’m in the right mood it can even sound poetic. However, last night I felt shit. I felt so sad. Being reminded of Jonny made it feel like I’d lost him all over again. Up until now my healing and grief and been pretty linear - I’d been gradually making peace with my situation, repairing myself, and developing the sense of being bonded with Jonny rather than separated from him. Last night was the first time that it felt like I’d taken a step back. It felt like I’d had the great love of my life ripped from me again. I wish I could go back to every single silly argument we had and tell us both it didn’t matter. I wish I could go back to the day we met so I could tell us to give Jonny the best life we could before he died, and with some luck, even prevent his death.
My greatest joy when Jonny was alive was seeing him happy. He had a very specific smile that he'd give me to show me he felt loved, and that is the Jonny that I miss on a daily basis. Thinking back to happy, silly Jonny makes me realise what an amazing person he really was, and to what extent his illness changed him. The days I spend remembering happy Jonny can sometimes be the most painful, because it reminds me of just how irreplaceable he really is.
Sex impacts us all in one way or another – even if you are a sex repulsed asexual you still need to navigate a very sex focused society. Sex is a weird subject for me for many reasons, but as I said, I’m still stuck here being bothered by it. I should add - this won’t be a post that’s just a 23-year-old gay guy complaining that he’s horny, so it’s okay – you can breathe and keep reading.
Hi. So, I guess my life is a bit complicated right now, and I wanted to write a post to give you an introduction to that. Have you ever seen Fleabag? In some ways, my life is a bit like hers.