As I take my first sip from the creamy light brown liquid cup of life, and felt my mental batteries recharging, giving me life once again. My fingers bewitched start to make their way across the keyboard, desperately trying to keep up with my mind as the flow of thought begins to expand creating realities never ventured or experienced before.
The dog heard him coming before I did. She woke out of a deep sleep on the rug and was completely alert whining at the door. I knew this day was coming but I hoped I'd be more mentally prepared.. or at least know how to control the beating of my own heart. My anxiety is at its peak just knowing who is walking up my drive way causing Tika—my beloved American Staffordshire Terrier—to be on guard.
I yearn to know him, so I can Know myself. I want to know why he left. Why he never came to see me. I wonder if he even thought about me, about the new being he helped bring into this world. How can someone just leave part of themselves behind without a thought? A part of them that was molded into the most innocent of beings. I ponder over reason why he would have wanted nothing to do with me. And so I cry at the thought of ever having to confront him. Not knowing my father growing up was a challenge for me; because, it felt like the key to understanding the map of me was missing.
Creeping into the room of a child fast asleep, to the melody of a mothers lullaby, to sneak a picture that will one day be a treasured memory. She lay there with her silky brown hair fanned around her head, with a pacifier which probably tasted of rubber locked tight between her lips. The only scent lingering in the room is the sweet smell of lavender and baby powder.
As the tears start to fall once again I am left alone being swallowed my own dis-contempt. Without a shoulder insight I fall like the tears through the cracks in the floor boards.