Ira Nayman
Bio
Humour writer. Creator of the Alternate Reality News Service. Novelist (most recent: The Multiverse is a Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There). Satire web site: Les Pages aux Folles. Figment of Andy Borowitz' imagination.Stories (19/0)
An Eye for an Aye
Wearing a black eyepatch that made him look like a pirate turtle (“Prepare to be boarded...in five or six hours!”), Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich watched as a bill to spend $800 billion to rebuild Texas after the devastation of Hurricane Harvey and raise the nation’s debt ceiling for 15 minutes easily passed his house of Congress. His eyepatch twitched emotionally, although pundits were divided on what emotion was being expressed under it.
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp
Bothers in Arms
by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer Miguel Santamaclausa had not intended to reenact an iconic moment of bravery in the middle of Beijing's Tianlomien Square on a side street in Padooka, North Illinois. Like the famed chicken, he just wanted to get to the other side, no questions asked. ("My motivation's none of your business, pal!") But, there he was, staring down the turret of an Abrahams tank as his ice cream slowly melted down his fingers.
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp
Saving Private Ryanwetballoons (for a Court Martial)
by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer Lieutenant Stewie “Generis” McTestosterone of the Fourth Beanie Baby Brigade had half of his face blown off in the aptly named Givemhellemanns Province of Afghanistan when a land mine disguised as an assault rifle blew up during a routine door to door roust and roast of locals. He might have been able to keep his eyebrows and three quarters of his nose if Private Melinda Ryanwetballoons had been by his side instead of pushing paper (on colleagues who worked exclusively on their PDAs) at regimental headquarters pending a VCLU lawsuit on his status.
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp
I Beg Your Pardon! And, Me. Oh, Me, Too, Please. Pardon Me! Pardon Me! Pardon Me!
By HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer The Grey House was in emergency crisis (for the third time this afternoon) mode when allegations were made that the President was becoming more... Canadian.
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp
Chaos President Has a Cunning Plan
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer There is an old saying in the nation’s capital: when a President flaps his lips in Washburningdington, a dissident is jailed in China. Chaos President doesn’t understand the elegant mathematics underlying this phenomenon. Chaos President barely understands the concept of mathematics (part of the reason signing a business contract with him can be such an adventure). Chaos President just likes to see high winds topple governments to the ground—especially if he can make a buck out of it...
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp
"Free at Last! Free at Last! Thank Gord Almighty Steve O'Bannonallhope is Free at Last!"
by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s Chief of Staff (in His Own Mind) Steve O’Bannonallhope is leaving/has left/will have been leaving (choose one) the Grey House. What awaits him after a year in politics is anybody’s gu — what? He has already announced that he will be returning to the alte cocker online publication Cucbreitdohboybart News that he led for so many years? So. Many. Years?
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp