Ira Nayman
Bio
Humour writer. Creator of the Alternate Reality News Service. Novelist (most recent: The Multiverse is a Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There). Satire web site: Les Pages aux Folles. Figment of Andy Borowitz' imagination.Stories (19/0)
Disaster Unpreparedness is One of Vesampucceri's Strengths
By MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service Disasters Writer A month after Orville (the tropical storm that had mutated into a Hurricane — and not in a superhero kind of way, either — not the TV series or popcorn tycoon Redenbacher) landed, 93% of Puerto Rico has no clean water, 77% has no electricity and 81% have no idea where their towel is. Which leads to the non-musical (because why should musical questions be the only ones that are recognized for their aural qualities?) Question: what the ferk is Puerto Rico?
By Ira Nayman6 years ago in The Swamp
A Handmaid's Tale. Told By an Idiot
by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer Bettina-Louise Crokinolemisses was born to chaperone. She wears the uniform of the life-long chaperone: demure daisy print dress, granny glasses that make her look like an owl that stuck its face in bowl of Gatorade powder and hair in a bun so severe that people for miles around feel vaguely guilty even though they have no idea why. On her left shoulder is a tattoo of rose thorns emblazoned with the words, “Oh no you don’t!” And, cats. Many, many cats.
By Ira Nayman6 years ago in The Swamp
The Five Minute Presidential Manager
by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer There has been a lot of speculation of late (sorry — traffic was a bitch) over whether President Ronald McDruhitmumpf reads. You would think, given the myriad (more than a quisling, less than a Riesling) problems with the McDruhitmumpf administration, journalists would have more important matters on which to speculate on (take that grammar purists!). Maybe they watched one too many Reading is *F*A*B* after-school specials when they were young, and the idea of illiteracy haunts their every in-between waking and sleeping moment (like Freddy Kruegerrandover, only without his snappy fashion sense).
By Ira Nayman6 years ago in The Swamp
How Many Corners Do You Have to Turn to Get Back To Where You Started?
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer In a speech to veterans of political turf wars last week, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf didn’t drool for an entire 13 minutes. Supporters of his administration pointed to this performance as proof that McDruhitmumpf was growing into the role of leader of the country and master of his domain.
By Ira Nayman6 years ago in The Swamp
Give a Knee, Support the Cause
by ALEXANDER BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN, Alternate Reality News Service Sports Writer When one white police officer kills an unarmed black man, it can be an isolated incident. When three white police officers kill unarmed black men, it can be an unfortunate series of events. When over a dozen white police officers kill unarmed black men, it can start to look like a system. What can anybody do about a system?
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp
It's the End of the World as We Know It, And I Feel...Like Ordering Takeout
by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/Disasters Writer The greatest fireworks display in the history of the world happened yesterday. Most people just think of it as a nuclear war, but many of the survivors considered it the best light show since they closed the planetarium in their city/state/country/continent.
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp
Do Ossified Ocelots Osscillate?
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was in High Dudgeon (an authentic 1830s shrimp farming village in Mississota, complete with the original 1830s shrimp) when he came to a... speed bump on the road to unthinking public adulation.
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp
In the Running for a New Trade Deal
by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer There is a tradition in Canadian politics that when a Finance Minister introduces a budget, he buys a new pair of shoes. Nobody knows why. Are the old bits of footwear gifted to a homeless person to regift to their stomach because that is all the help they can expect from the government? Is it as a sop to the shoe industry because that is all the help they can expect from the government? Are Finance Ministers just tougher on footwear than the general population?
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp
The Invisible Man Leaves a Trail
By FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer The Vice President is normally the invisible man of government. Seriously: a Vice President could walk into an open bank vault and walk away with fistfuls of cash, and nobody would be the wiser. (Watching fistfuls of cash dance out of a bank vault in midair is well documented as having no educational value.) A Vice President could be reading this over your shoulder at this very moment; don’t look back suddenly for, like many woodland creatures, Vice Presidents startle easi—oh. Well. We tried to warn you. You may have to replace that carpet—better consult a political soap suds specialist.
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp
And Pretty Soon All of Washburningdington Is Blind... Drunk... On Power
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer Both Houses of Congress passed a resolution (less than a bill, more than a strawberry bacon cheeseburger parfait) grandiosely named “A Resolution to Force the President Against His Will to Acknowledge That Racist Organizations Such as The Kook Klux Klan, Neo-Nasties and Other White Supremacists Who Go Under the Banner of the ‘Alte Kocker Right’ Are Inherently Violent, And Are Engaging in Terrorism When They Are Violent, And Should, Therefore, Be Condemned in the Strongest Possible Terms for Such Violence.” Don’t be put off by the title, though; the resolution, in its entirety, reads: “Racism is bad.”
By Ira Nayman7 years ago in The Swamp