Today I discovered r/cptsdcreatives and my mind was blown. Looking at ingeniously expressive artworks got me wondering about whether living through trauma somehow enhances creativity.
I did not feel pain when my father beat me with all his might. I did not feel pain, when my sister smashed my head into the side of an open drawer, giving me a black eye. I did not feel pain when my mother smashed my head into the wall, leaving it with a protuberant bump. It was like I was not there at all. It was scary. So I resorted to inflicting pain on myself, hoping that I would feel ‘something normal’.
It was painful, very painful, at first. I screamed, I asked him to stop, I tried to fight him off. When it became obvious he was not going to, I felt my body becoming numb, my brain slowing down, and my vision becoming darker, as if someone was slowly turning down the contrast and the quality of the visuals my brain was receiving. My last thought was I should have listened to my parents.
I remember the sting of the belt very well, but the most painful thing about the experience was not at all physical.