I just can't do it. I don't care if it's a pair of flats or a tee shirt or a frickin scrunchy: I cannot force myself to buy leopard print. I sort of understand that tacky is the new trendy, and I get that fashion is all about pushing boundaries but... really? Animal print? To me this is like every the film industry decides to make the four millionth Spiderman movie instead of a good Steel Magnolias remake: I just think, "but... why?"
Honestly I wish I could even begin to compete with what is the now classic recipe introductory text. I never fail to be completely dazzled when I find that the author of the recipe I found is telling me a story about their last oil change and somehow ties that in to the fact that they are now making a fruit trifle for the English Tea Garden party they're throwing their great aunt. I don't know how they do it. So I'm not going to. I'm just going to get right in to the cake because that's what you're here for. And I won't do the thing where after the incredibly lengthy anecdote about the last time I ate a carrot cake, I list all the random crap I did while making this cake with beautiful pictures without saying a damn word about the recipe and measurements that you just scroll through anyway.
TW: if you don’t like birth stories, if you haven’t yet become a mama and would rather not read a birth story, if you’re easily squeamish, and for all of the other reasons you may not want to hear this story, please scroll past. I understand Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is not a fun day for a lot of people for a multitude of reasons and I absolutely respect your need to do whatever it is to get through this day, hence my warning for you.
Tired of the new normal? Do you miss the walls around you feeling like a safe haven instead of a medium security suburban prison? Are those little spots behind your ears sore from the cute homemade mask you paid $25 in shipping on Etsy for?
I'm one of those people who got told a fair bit as a kid that I was "funny", which was clearly very damaging, because here I am still thinking I'm hilarious enough to write these articles and get paid for it, or do my ridiculous rants on my instagram story that will somehow lead to a book deal. Yeah, the laughter and encouragement of my off-colour jokes and sarcasm has surely lead to a life of quiet, modest hobbies. Like a podcast where I read internet banter for a half hour and howl with laughter into the microphone as if I'm NOT sitting on my closet floor by myself.
So you're engaged to your partner, ready to spend the rest of your life together, and you're about to plan a wedding. My advice? Don't. Save yourself the hassle, and elope. Run while you still can from the most expensive, exhausting, weirdly altruistic social traditions our culture has to offer, and go on a nice trip with your new partner or save for a house or a dog or a child or a Master's degree. Your wedding isn't what's left at the end of the day. It's just you and your partner and a couple memories. I promise you it's time, money, and energy better spent somewhere else. Let me explain by giving you a run down of my wedding day.