Hello, I am Hanayura/Kayla. I am the Art Director and Creator of Pixie Road. I mostly write blogs and updates for the game here.
I might be getting a job?
I am just thinking about all the possibilities through vocational rehab I might have. I have been through this before when I was younger, but I wasn't ready to do the work necessary for it to go through and too many circumstancial things stood in the way. I think I am in a better place now so, I think it will go through well. The idea of getting more funds for my project motivates me to keep going.
Busy Busy Busy
I have been wanting to write a story, or convert a story onto this platform for a while now, but for the life of me I just can't figure out how to compile files upon files of brainstorming into a concise narrative that I will feel good about going forward with. I don't know why I am so particular, I would pay someone to do this, but I know I should do it myself. Anyway, any time I did try to hire someone it ended up being less than favorable, so my pickiness might save me a buck this time.
My dad and I don't have the best relationship. I barely know the man past a few hours watching him surf on the beaches of California. I guess he was living his dream somehow. I was shocked when I heard that my grandma used to leave him all by himself as a child at the beach with a little sack-lunch; Just left him, all by himself. I wonder if he was scared or if he was just a naturally confident kid? He used to ride horses bareback and run a muck on his street so, I would like to think of him as not knowing fear during that time.
It's My Country
Imagine you're in a foreign land. Not being able to speak the language, connecting to the culture, nor understanding the protocol in any situation, hoping that the pocketbook dictionary you're desperately clinging to and your little knowledge before arriving will get you along somehow. Now picture that the language was your first, that culture was the one you were born into, and that "home-country" you remember isn't a physical place but can only be found in your mind. If you were able to do that vividly enough, then you would know how having Asperger's Syndrome feels to me; It's the closest way I can find to explain it to someone who asks me the daunting question, "What is that?" by unknowing people.
As I stand before this computer, imagining a future for myself, I see two possibilities. Of course there is always more than one, I could make a random sprint through the alleyway of some dark corner and see where that goes, but one usually gravitates towards the light.
Tea and Reflection
Another morning of tea and contemplation with the comforting voice of a familiar tarot reader. Looking at some of the past mistakes that I've made, I notice that karma has sort of played with me in the same way. I just feel like I am not sure what I should do at this point. I keep writing and writing to try and find the answer, but I know I need to just do the thing. Do the thing.
Where to watch?
My constant company has been sort of an array of tarot cards readers on YouTube. I even have a deck of my own that I got from the shop downtown: Celtic Tree Oracle deck. I bought it because I quite like languages and it is part of my heritage in some ways. Though I sort of wonder if I have been doing it too much as a self soothing thing.
Tired of Crying
I was going to stream today and then she said it, " Take your meds." I know I have to, but it is something I completely dread. Also it was quite manipulative of her to say that at exactly my stream time ( which happens to be 4 pm. ) I was looking forward to streaming, or at least mentally preparing for it. I was going to try my best to do this especially since I chickened out of going to the shop today for some reason. I still feel bad about it, but all the preparation I did, didn't seem to make my anxiety go away. I think it was because I knew I had to be back by 4 and trying to make it back in that short of time made it seem like I had to rush for some reason. The pandemic sort of made me live on island time where I go at my own pace, but that isn't how the world usually works. But I'll have you know I am not a lazy person (only a few weeks at a time). I am pretty good once I get motivated towards something. I am going to definitely go tomorrow.. There is more to it than just going I found, I have to sort of align myself to that goal and try to meet myself there. I don't know what I was doubting the whole time, I guess I usually prepare some sort of script or have some sort of idea planned. I am notoriously bad at bullshitting, but given the right amount of information, I can definitely improvise.
Stop Texting Me
I was just about to leave out the door and then it came. A text from someone I wasn't wanting to text me. I spent several hours just working myself up to leave the house, got adequately dressed, prepared to take on the day somehow or another despite it being like 6 degrees Celsius outside. And then it came. Just one little emoji but it was enough to set me off thinking of whether or not to reply. A big part of me wanted to just turn around curl up in bed and text this person and another was just wanting to ignore it and bravely shiver out into the cold and straight off to what I was meant to be doing like some snow Valkyrie off on a mission. To calm myself down I did what I usually do, the mind numbing scrolling and YouTube watching. Some minor hits of dopamine and oxytocin.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
I know this is going to sound very strange, but since I have started my Twitch channel and did my whole Pixie Road project, I have this funny little desire to make my own chocolate pixies. To be honest, I am not very skilled at cooking nor baking, but this has been floating in my head for quite a while now and I can't let it go.. Especially not since a chocolate shop opened down town a few months ago.