Hi! I write mostly about events related to being a woman, as well as just living in this world in general. If you like my work, consider following me on Instagram and Twitter @Haileysmithster.
BANG! The sound jolted me awake. I look around the small room, vision still blurry from sleep, searching for the source of the loud thud. The room appears just as I had left it before I fell asleep the night prior. It was a small cabin, made entirely of red pine wood and second-hand furniture. Though the quality of furniture and decorating was low, the cabin was definitely well-maintained. Not a speck of dust or a scrap of trash. The cleanliness of the cabin would have had me believing the owners were currently staying there, if I had not seen their Airbnb schedule posted by the front door, clearly stating that the cabin will be completely empty this week due to a potential blizzard. Besides the overall look of the cabin, the air felt the same too. It was chilly but not unbearably cold, with a slight amount of staleness to the air.
**TW: mentions of suicide, emotional abuse.** I am constantly guilty. At least, I constantly feel guilty. Whether that guilt should be there or not, I have no clue. Maybe the guilt is real, maybe it's all made up by my anxiety or depression. Whichever it may be, it feels very real to me as I quite literally feel guilty about existing.
I, like many others, have been attempting to find ways to add sustainability to our daily routines. After coming to college, I have become painfully aware of the amount of waste that I contribute to the landfills in my kitchen alone. Every Ziplock and produce bag and every plastic fork and paper plate I threw away, gradually made me realize that these are things I could easily stop using.
I'm 21 years old and I've been having a period for the last 9 years. That's almost 470 weeks or about 3,250 days of experiencing period symptoms. Every 28 days I have to center my entire life around my period. What can I do with a pad on? How long I can do something before needing to go to the bathroom to switch out my tampon? Is my flow light enough to have sex? Is my pad visible through these pants? And don't even get me started on the period poops.
There's a heavy weight pressing against me. Not crushing, but definitely not comfortable. I can't move or push the weight off of me. Where am I? What's going on? There are wafts of hot air brushing against my cheek, my neck, down to my chest. I feel panic set in, but I'm not sure what's making me feel that way. Am I in danger? And what is this damn weight on top of me and why can't I push it off? It doesn't seem that heavy, I should be able to move it off of me. Maybe if I just try to sit up, the weight will vanish. I managed to get to a sitting position, but as soon as I did there's a tight and painful grip around my waist and I am yanked back down. But instead of falling back onto a solid surface, my body slips into nothingness and I'm freefalling. Trying to scream, but no noise comes out.