Today I woke to a borderline strange feeling that I can only seem to relate to "homesickness". It's a funny thing, this feeling, especially because I have never truly felt as if I have had a home (spiritually and physically). In regard to this subject, most of my adult life has been a state of wandering to seek out place that may finally be THE place. The place I plant roots, the place I call home, the place I feel home. Last year proved to be the pinnacle of this wandering. Booking one way tickets, and taking in all of the textures and sounds around me. Is this home? Many different places that varied in people, weather, food, and culture. None of them felt like home. Now, this existential searching did not lie within the realm of the conscious, it very much operated from a primitive part of my core that was not yet explored or illuminated. Until today. The most revealing question I've really ever asked, "how can you be homesick for a place that you haven't found?"
She opens her eyes in a slow, fluid motion, careful not to startle her unusually sensitive corneas. As her eyes glide to an almost fully open position, she sees a flutter of light similar to something you would see if light was reflecting from a watch glass or small mirror. This made her tense and alert, hastening her slow emergence process to swiftly sit straight up. She finds herself strapped to a chair that seems to be just floating inside, what looks to be, a small galaxy shifting around her. The straps that contained her were almost invisible and could only be seen in silhouette by her periphery.
I’ve been in the process of discovery regarding symbols and perspective in regards to time. The most recent totem being a simple key. This key was given by my love shorty after we started dating, or possibly slightly before. At first the key represented something special and light, a totem showing trust and devotion. It felt light and almost magical in my pocket, like something really new, close, and special was entering my life. At this point I had not stopped to question why such a small token sparked these feelings. I continued down the path of the lack of examination for a while, until I started noticed something strange. This bright key started to become tarnished and heavy, like a rock had been fastened to my key chain without permission. It was a troubling pull of reality on my mind.
It was a chilly night in Los Angeles and I sat in a circle of new friends plunged in deep discussion about the spiritual and material values of life. There were agreements and disagreements, laughter and grimacing, and all of the things that make a great conversation all consuming. I was in my perfect type of heaven. Then, everything stopped. He politely walked through, not so much graceful as grateful that we made the room for him. He had a beat up hat, a heavy camera around his neck, and kind, inquisitive eyes. It felt like I was noticing something for the first time, and that something... was everything. Time returned to normal and I re-joined the conversation, which seemed to flow and whirl through the entire night. In what felt like a brief moment everyone had dissipated, and I sat there alone with my head bowed thinking about what great things lie ahead with new voices and faces from the night. Then I feel the soft presence sit down next to me. I look up to see the beat up hat, the camera, and the inquisitive eyes.