things they don't understand
walking into a room and feeling searing eyes
being denied service at the door in hong kong
I have a disability.
I’ve had this disability for two years and developed it while I was in college.
But in the days I spent dreaming (manifesting) about my future life traveling the world, booking celebrity clients, and being my own boss I never pictured having a disability.
With recent tragedies, like the double mass shootings in Dayton and El Paso this last weekend, we’ve come to realize that the world is no longer cozy and safe. Baby boomers, like my grandma, easily recall times where mass shootings were unheard of. But now, it seems like a daily occurrence.
Often when I scroll down my friends’ Instagram feeds, I get this sudden gut-wrenching regret. But not because of them, but because of me.
As I sit in the airport, waiting for a plane that will sadly take me home, I can’t help but think that what I experienced before this calm moment was a horrible nightmare.
Revisiting trauma can be an important step in healing, but is it really necessary to heal?
During a recent trip, I realized that bad memories and anxiety still nestled itself in the place that I was going to. Driving down the same streets I once didn’t think would lead me home, or passing restaurants I couldn’t afford to eat in (but went in anyway and suffered through embarrassment as I sipped free water) jumped out at me like a flashing neon sign. I even visited my old apartment, but was too nervous to go in due to the painful memories of what used to happen inside.