My friends and family maybe want to know why I kept fucking up time and time again this past year. And why, now that it’s over I can’t go back to being my old self. You see, my old self has been changed. I’m never going to be the same. My old self is gone.
I sat here this evening looking through a years worth of documentation. Ten notebooks of garbage and evidence to the madness that occurred over the past year of my life. Not on purpose mind you. I was merely looking for lost or “vanished” passwords to get into some accounts. The harassment, the bullying, the threatening, the control. People knowing things about me that nobody should know, and the taunting and teasing about them toward me, or TO me. Knowing personal things about me. Teasing me about them. Making me do such insane stuff on promises that were never fulfilled. Stripping down for a Facebook photo, putting me on a dating site. 5000 Nigerians following me and harassing me on Facebook. Thousands of disgusting pictures sent in my fb messenger. I could go on with the list of the year’s worth of antics, but I won’t. And, I will never get down to the bottom of it either. As far as who is responsible. Who did this to me? Why was I so deserving of a years worth of hell? I almost killed myself on three occasions. Oh, I know, because I humiliated a man of pride and ego. Probably a few men, it seems. Because and But.... I don’t think any of them realized they had been having sex with a 7-year-old, every time they were having sex with me.
Here is where my mind stops. The circus is gone again. But this time the circus is disappointed in me. I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong, but it seems no matter what I do it’s not good enough. They want me to tough out life alone. Without the help of anybody. But I don’t see how that option works. I haven’t gotten any better thus far. So, I’m trying to do the next right thing. I’m staying with a friend so that I don’t end up dying from self neglect. Isn’t that meth’s intent after all? For me to die of self neglect? That’s why I can no longer allow these people or this person to isolate me. I’ve listened to that drug so far and look where it has gotten me. You’re looking at a person one foot in the gutter. Meaning, one foot from giving up. Please don’t read that literal.
I don’t know what it is you and your friends need from me. I know I made a mistake. I’ve apologized several times. I’ve gone through hell and back. I don’t know what more is wanted from me. I haven’t always been this dumb. Or not get a joke. But people really don’t take into consideration what he has done to me. Of course I take responsibility. I didn’t throw it out there, then just walk away. I owned it as soon as I threw it.
It’s me, I can’t deny, why I’ve been waiting so long.