Everyone has their own personal hell, it's not up to you to decide or belittle someone's battle in life. We're all trapped and trying to survive in this messed up place we call earth. I was always told I should write out my feelings.
Christmas used to be a huge deal for me and for my family, I loved Christmas, but for all the wrong reasons. My parents did the best they could and always went above and beyond to give us a great Christmas even though they didn't have the best financial means to do so. The presents would physically cover the bottom of our tree and hide the lights and ornaments that would hang from the bottom.
The Truth About Mental Illness
The truth about mental illness. In my experience, I’ve never needed a trigger, I’ve never found a real reason or trigger to the moments anxiety and depression come over me. You don’t need an excuse to feel sad, alone, down, worthless, those thoughts just come from nowhere. It just happens, no warning, no freeing my mind of the thoughts. It could be as simple as someone’s tone of voice or body language where my mind instantly overthinks and over analyzes the situation, the person, the moods. Some people may know their triggers, but the amount of times I’ve talked to people, none of them have been able to pin point triggers, it’s all about the environment and the situations they were in. someone may have been extremely genuine and happy to be around you, having a great time, but you can over think that encounter excessively. I’ve revisited all the stupid and childish things I have said and done growing up and still do. There’s people that I’ve embarrassed myself so much around them that I try to avoid talking to them innocently. Even just asking how they’re doing I literally feel like an annoyance, I feel like I’m a burden and that I’m being judged. There hasn’t been a time where I haven’t felt like I’ve been judged and I’m sure many others with a mental illness have felt the same. I was always questioned by my parents growing up by saying ‘what do you have to be stressed about?’ ‘What’s so bad that you feel depressed, suicidal? You have a roof over your head, a job, a car.’ Okay, all those things are great, but just because the outside looks great, does not mean that it is justifiable and that you are feeling complete mentally and internally. That’s the thing with a mental illness, it may look great on the outside and others may envy you. However, in my experience it’s because I’ve felt alone, worthless, a burden, sometimes I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I sit there and cry and overthink every decision I’ve made and everything I’m in the process of doing. WE DON’T NEED A REASON! I’m sure many of us who battle with a mental illness would love nothing more than to not feel like that. Many of us don’t need or know the reason we feel down, if we did, it could be something to work on.
To The Girl
To the girl, To the girl with the insane insecurities, the constant overthinking, the poor self-body image, the poor confidence, you’re better than all of that. You’re better than the person who made you feel so down about yourself that you doubt everything. You’re better than the emotional and mental torture you put yourself through and everyone else put you through. You’re better than bullying yourself. Don’t be like the person that damaged you the most.
A Letter to the Woman Who Broke Me.
This is raw truth, with some language. Proceed with caution. Stranded, abandoned, confused, hurt, unloved, those are just a few of the emotions you have left me with. It’s been almost 3 years and although I have forgiven you for your actions, or so I thought, the pain continually cuts deeper into my skin with every breath I breathe. You destroyed me mentally and emotionally to the point where I can’t even feel emotions anymore. To the point where I am literally completely numb to feeling anything or having real true emotions towards anyone or anything. There are, however, two new people who I’ve managed to trust and that’s because these 2 people consistently show me and prove to me that they care about me, which is something you haven’t been able to follow through with. It’s different and weird and it’s as if I’m just waiting for that to backfire because of my lack of trust.
The Generation That Lacks Commitment
Trying to create a meaningful relationship in a hook-up culture is a special kind of hell. Growing up I was always taught no sex before marriage (mainly because I was a church kid) which there is nothing wrong with! When you take a step back and look at the world today and the generations, all relationships are built on sex. Sex has become a foundation and communication has become a foreign language. Why is this a generation that feels the need to be loved by physical touch instead of meaningful conversations and emotional connection? Why is this a generation where sex has become so easy, emotionless, and meaningless? It's hard for an old soul to find a relationship on a level they crave because the level no longer exists. We live in a generation that is solely built on technology, the old school dating no longer exists. The chivalry and high standards are no longer a thing. Women feel the need to be with an abusive man, as men feel the need to be with a manipulative woman. The standard of men are sissies if they report abuse, or get abused is sickening. Society believes and is so consumed with the idea that women are the only victims when in reality, there are more male victims than female. The reason the statistics are non-existent is that of this standard and men are afraid. Men don't want to admit they have been a victim because it makes them appear to be less superior. Hooking up is more common; you have sites like Tinder and Grinder that have become the new dating sites. You have men and women used for sex trafficking and nothing is meaningful anymore. The reality of trying to find a serious relationship is depressing. The possibility of finding a man or a woman without a child is few and far between. Babies are born out of wedlock and not properly cared for. Abortion has become frowned upon and people feel the need to judge someone based on their choice without knowing the circumstances. Free will is becoming less of a thing because there are too many criticisms and threats place upon a person for having an OPINION. Opinions are NOW becoming an attack or viewed as an attack on certain people when it is literally just an opinion. What happened to the times, what is this world coming to and why is there such a need to give your body to anyone of the opposite sex? Trust is the main factor in a lot of relationships failing. Lying has become easier and easier with no conscious of how you're making the other feel. Cheating is more common and easily accessible. When you question yourself as to why this generation is so consumed with hooking up instead of having a relationship, that's why. There is no trust, no boundaries, no self-respect, no common courtesy, all of those things are non-existent. We are told we are loved by someone and take them at their word. We don't make sure they are being genuine, real and serious because what does that even look like now? Technology has ruined dating and relationships for everyone because there is no trust. No trust comes from technology, deep meaningful conversations are done through text message instead of in person. The lack of commitment comes from our role models, aka our parents and grandparents. Divorce is more common these days and no one wants to put an effort to keep and maintain a relationship because they don't know how. No one wants to try because of their insecurities. The generation is doomed and unsure how to deal with these things because our role models have failed us. Our friends and past relationships have failed us, we've become desensitized to the reality that a real relationship needs communication. Not makeup sex when times get tough, not control, it needs communication, trust, and honesty. It needs effort. Trying to find those things in this generation is a special kind of hell.