Carey Goodwin

Carey Goodwin

49 Years old with 3 grown kids and 4 grandkids, trying to find my nitch in this age of technology. For the younger generation this may come as second nature. But for a dinosaur like me it is a lot of work.

How does it work?
  • Carey Goodwin
    Published 4 days ago
    My Creative Outlet

    My Creative Outlet

    The End is how it feels when we are not able to express ourselves when we are feeling any emotion really. I mean what are we supposed to be doing with all of this energy inside of us if we can not find a way to let it out. There are just as many good times as bad where I felt that if I did not scream or do something to let go of what was brewing up inside of me I would surely die. This goes for being happy as well as angry or saddened. I have always been such an emotional person anyway. My mother used to always say that I would win an award for the best actress. She was a person who dealt with showing much emotions. I used to always ask her if she was angry because as she got older she developed this scowl on her face. She of course would tell me nothing was wrong, but by the facial expressions I didn't believe her most of the time. What is the most difficult in processing these emotions for me, even today at age 49, is knowing which emotions are mine and which ones are someone else's. See we didn't communicate very much in my house, unless we were in trouble or needed to inform a parent of an event. Children in our house were seen not heard. When we were heard we were to tell the truth or there would be major consequences. Now if you don't talk about what these funny feelings are how is someone supposed to know? Well I guess that would be like most other people who don't have communication in their houses or with an example of a stable adult. There used to be a time back before all of the technology of today that we could do things in school to express ourselves. We called it art, or music, or even drama. These classes are slowly disappearing from the usual studies for kids. It worries me greatly because I always knew that I loved to color. But when I began to sing in school life was so much more bearable. Now I have been able to use technology for my "coloring" outlets and creativity. I do wish they would consider bringing back the "arts" in our schools. I believe it is essential for everyone to know how to express themselves in a positive manner, even if they don't know that is what they are doing. It gives them an experience to fall back on in the later years and realize that there is something positive they enjoyed at one time, maybe in the darkness and pain they will be able to find that joy again. It is what I have done when I felt at my worst and most fearful. I would use what ever I could to color, or listen to music so I could sing as loud as possible. I didn't even care if it was out of tune, it was the outlet I needed not the award for best song. Now as I have done some of my own research to learn as much as I could regarding emotions, and what to do if I am about to break. It's kinda funny really because I have been to a ton of therapist, meetings, classes, and I have even spent my fair share of time in institutions. And if I could not ever have an outlet of some kind to be able to process and release my thoughts and emotions. Well I truly believe then that I would end up permanently be locked away and medicated. As it is I am already medicated on a daily basis. I could not imagine having a life where I was medicated ever day with absolutely no other form of comfort to give in times of stress or joy or anger or sadness beyond what we can physically manage. You know I am well aware that there have been studies done on the effects of removing an emotional or mental tool, however I have not read them myself. So not researching this it does make me wonder if some of these so called violence we see in the world today doesn't have something 'so do with our outlets being taken away? I have heard of such horrible, as well as all I am willing to experience, horrible things. It breaks my heart to know that the world has gotten to a place were it is a common daily experience to be in so much pain. This is not the world I wanted to give to my children, or anyone else's. A big part of me is glad I am in the later part of my journey here on Earth. I am scarred for the generations to come after I pass away and how they will too "express" themselves in the world. So I guess all I really ever meant to say is that art in any form is a very positive way of releasing our emotions. Art in violence is also a release to some people, but not one I would consider to be positive or productive in any way. I think I will stick to my coloring, even if it is in a digital manner. It makes me feel better and I don't have to live with know I caused someone else the kind of pain I am trying to forget. I hope you are able to do the same with your expressions.
  • Carey Goodwin
    Published 7 days ago
    The Sacrifices We Make

    The Sacrifices We Make

    As a parent of 3 grown children, and a grandmother or Nana of 4 young ones, I have never had more joy, fear, worry, laughter, anguish, and heartache in my life then when I started having kids. There are so many different beautiful and ugly things about having kids it is more of an oxymoron than ironic. As children ourselves it never crosses our minds what we put our parents through. I mean why would it? We are too busy playing with our friends, discovering new and weird things everyday or just plain too hungry or tired to care. As a child all we truly understand is that we are cold, hot, hungry, tired, scared, happy, too full, alone or hurt. As a child we look to the one source that can solve every problem we have, our mom or dad. Until we have a child of our own, regardless of age, understanding the requirements and mandatory duties involved in solving all those issues that are so important, do these issues start to become another thing altogether. I never worried about where I would sleep, having clean cloths, food in my stomach or an education. I did not have too because I had my mom for all of that. I used to always wonder why she was so tired and cranky. Was it something I said, I did or did not do? Did someone else upset my mommy? Why was she so tired all the time? These were what I worried about. Not what needed ti be worried about for sure. My mother raised me and my brother as a single parent for half of our lives. She worked 2 jobs most if the time. Lived with other to help cut the cost of raising 2 kids on her own. I worshipped my mom and the ground she walked on. So it was only natural that the first time I found out I was pregnant that I would turn to her. That was the beginning of the end of my life and only living for myself. Even as I went through my pregnancy I did not grasp the concept of being 100% responsible for another living and breathing human being. All I knew then was that I would love this child, and the child would love me, like no other person in the world. I actually believed that my love for this little being would be enough. I mean my mom did it so how hard could it really be right? Well I most certainly found out after 9 months of difficult pregnancy, and I thought that was rough. Of course after the first one how difficult could two be? I mean by now I have the diapers figured out, the naps, and the first stages of a baby. I got this! Oh Boy was I ever wrong!! It never in my life accord to me that this was just the beginning of my trials and tribulations. I suppose I just never bothered to envision far enough into the future to see all the scares I would have because my oldest thought he was invincible as the car came speeding down the street right at him. Or how about the fear I had when my second child's father took him away? Or even the terror I would feel as my youngest child was lifted 30 feet into the air, strapped in a cloth binding that I prayed wasn't damaged, and then released to soar through the air as if on a gigantic swing. I actually thought I was having a heart attack that day. Again still not the worst of it, still just the beginning because they were so young still. As they grew well so did the problems and the mandatory support they needed. Many people would think that when I say mandatory support I am referring to money. As much as that is needed and basically required to raise a child it is not what I reference regarding support. No as they grew the mandatory support needed is more on an emotional and a mental requirement. None of us are born automatically knowing how to cope with life and all of it's complexities. So we look to the bigger people that give us food and shelter to teach us. Now that my children are full grown, and two having had children of their own, I get to see those sacrifices panned out. I realize that not every story is the same for everyone. I do believe though that regardless of your own personal story as parents in one way or another we make a sacraffice when we chose to bring a child into the world, and this story just happens to be mine.