In December of 2017, I had started to use disordered eating habits. My boyfriend and I weren't doing well at all and this happened to be the way that I coped with it. I lost about 16 pounds in two to three weeks and didn't even realize that I was doing anything wrong, I just wasn't hungry. I was 16 at the time, and once I realized I no longer weighed 118 pounds, I kept starving myself. For a few months, it was off and on. Sometimes I'd eat a lot and sometimes nothing at all. My dad made jokes about it for a while because he thought I was on a diet or just trying to lose a few pounds. They eventually caught on to what I was doing to myself around April. My dad took me to my doctor and she pretty much told him that I had anxiety, depression, I was anorexic, and that most days I had suicidal thoughts. I weighed what an 11-year-old should weigh under 100 pounds. My parents put me into the Eating Recovery Center almost immediately. I had to stop going to school and stop seeing my boyfriend. It sucked. They made me start in the Partial Hospitalization Program, which was 10 hours a day, everyday. I wrote down what my first week was like.
I've been depressed for about five years. For me, my depression doesn't really go away. It just gets better or worse. I was already very depressed from being in treatment for anorexia for three months and I was still in there when Katie died, which made things harder for me. Treatment was 10 hours a day, every day. It sucked but there were times where I wished I was back in there. My parents had also told us a month or so before her passing that they were getting divorced. I was going/ am still going through a lot all at once. It’s not easy. It’s been seven months since she died and I’m just now getting my shit together.
This stage hasn’t really been a big part of my coping, or healing process with the deaths that I've dealt with.
Acceptance is the fifth and final step of the grieving process. It is when you accept the reality of your loss and understand that there’s nothing you can do to change it. It took me a very long time to get here because like I said many times before, I didn’t want to believe my sister was actually gone. Most people will never like this stage or want to get to it, because who wants to accept that the person we love will never be back on Earth with us?
Let me start by saying I will never call my sister selfish for doing what she did.
I’ve dealt with three hard deaths in the past four years but this one was by far the hardest. Denial has always been a HUGE part of the grieving process for me. I didn't believe that Katie was actually gone for a long time. I didn’t want to, either. I wasn’t really very sad about it for a while either. Everyone tried to get me to talk about it but all I said was "It's not real so I'm fine."