So, I don’t know about you, but 2020 has been one heck of a year so far (to put it lightly). It seems like time has flown by, but so many things have happened that it is hard to keep track of the days. I have been struggling with my mental health for the past year and have been trying my best to manage it through COVID-19; however, I have felt a fire growing within me as things have escalated, and when the George Floyd case came to light, I just about exploded.
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with anxiety. I grew up as an anxious child and I have struggled with severe worrying my entire life. I have been on and off various anxiety medications and have participated in just about every form of therapy and exercise designed to help relieve anxiety.
During the current pandemic, our world has changed in many destructive ways; however, it has changed in one beautiful way as well – essential workers who otherwise might not have received recognition are now receiving the gratitude that they deserve. Healthcare workers have been the main focal point of our gratitude, but I’d like to highlight the essential workers who work as cashiers, clerks, or greeters; the essential workers who are at risk of exposure day in and day out – but continue on.
One of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder that I struggle with the most are feelings of abandonment. These feelings have mainly been connected to people in my personal life when I feel that they are drifting, leaving, or neglecting me. But something happened recently that completely knocked me off of my feet, and it was completely unexpected.
I am a TV and movie fanatic - TV shows and movies help me to feel less alone and I love having my TV on in the background. I can't say that I have been watching more than usual during this quarantine because this is kind of my daily routine, but hey *cough, cough* the quarantine can be my excuse for watching more TV and movies than usual if need be (winky face).
As someone with a compromised immune system, and someone who is having surgery within the next few days, quarantine has not ended for me despite the loosening of regulations here in Colorado. My golden birthday is in two weeks - I will be turning 26 on the 26th - and I am dreaming of what my perfect day might have been had we not been in a pandemic. This time last year I was suicidal and ended up being hospitalized over the past year for Major Depressive Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety, Bulimia, Fibromyalgia, and PTSD, so making it to my 26th birthday is a huge milestone for me. While I am dreaming about the day I might have had before our current pandemic I am just happy to be alive and to have made it to another birthday. It is the simple pleasures I have learned to appreciate, and it is those small acts that I miss the most.