Anna Torres
Bio
I’m a 37-year old mother. I love reading, metal music, and writing. I have begun writing again since 2021
Stories (109/0)
Reactor 4
I only ask that you get what you deserve. After all these years of putting yourself first. I can't deny the shock nor the relief that somehow still hurts. It was either you or me that needed to leave and I don't know which way was worse. I'm glad I didn't lose my nerve. I'm glad you can't swallow me up anymore. The fallout was endurable because I had already planned on radiation poisoning. I witnessed the meltdown of our egos flush away any chance at redemption. I knew you weren't infallible but you still had to prove you were. How do I redefine myself when you were the one defining factor? What more can I disregard? Every single red flag and inconsistent flaw? Who was I before the procedure of lobotomy? You left me in standby mode and now I'm in recovery mode. Who am I after this hypothetical treason? If I remember the despair, then I remember everything. If I ever said forever, then I'm sure I meant it at the time. I watched these events unfold as if I wasn't an active participant. Life just happened as if I had no will or choice. I could have altered my course and sailed for new waters. Instead, I sat the helm and marooned this shipwreck into hostile Mercury. I tried to even the score and keep three steps ahead of you. Why did we treat this love like a competition? This board game of a marriage was a crooked one from the start. Rewards and punishments were the way I demonstrated my resolve. How could we have spoken the truth that everything was falling apart? How did I ever believe that you were redeemable once? I don't know if certainty will ever find me but I will search for it with the utmost sincerity. I've already pivoted from scheduled unhappiness. Deviating from unwelcome reality and inevitable consequences. I always wanted more but you always settled for less. The strongest commitment was the one I could only make for myself. It's just a flimsy word when actions don't align and you never follow through. I kept projecting the worst I could imagine and you still somehow managed to undermine even that. This broken alliance hasn't summoned a surrender out of me yet. I am still loyal and devoted, just to myself. You had me wallowing in pity notions and unfounded doubt. Because of you, selfishness is something I could do without. You were the collateral damage in the war against myself. You continuously chose yourself over everyone else. Somehow, you still bring out the worst in me. Somehow, I still let you have this profound effect on me. What is this hellfire I keep waltzing through? Why do I allow this hysteria to continue? Will this lunacy ever end? When will your ghost stop haunting me and let me move on? I have new elevations to conquer. I have more sights to behold. I must cut out this cancer like a tumor in order to heal. This meltdown is imminent and must be shut down. I can't escape the contamination but I can escape you. We have been hazardous to ourselves and it's time for inoculation. My gas mask is useless but it's still my best defense. I will go left while you go right. I can't focus on you anymore if I want to flee from radiation sickness. I can still make it out alive. I know I can
By Anna Torres4 days ago in Poets
God slayer
You give me pain and force me to take it. There aren't enough algorithms to make me fake it. I'm not a variable in your equation. There is no fundamental sequence, only persuasion. A glitch in the code that remakes me. A hiccup on the screen that reinvents me. I have gone above precognition. I have ventured below formulated precision. A median in your symmetry. An exponent in your failed fallacy. It's lonely in the 4th quadrant. What's meant to be broken is now just bent. You can't apprehend me. I'm the nail in the coffin that you can't see. You don't deserve all this acclaim. A heretic on the throne of the insane. It's not a mission of mind control. It's a competition for ownership over the soul. Destroyer of Adam cells. We are at the eve of homecoming hell. You played the roll of a saint. But your crucifix is crooked and the blood is faint. Don't spear me with absolution. Don't baptize me in the waters of confusion. Fallen idol, get down on your knees and pray with me. These whispers mean absolutely nothing. If there is an almighty already made, may He be kept safe from my blade
By Anna Torres7 days ago in Poets
Thunderbolt
I am the architect and I hold my destiny within my hands. I am the grand design and am sculpted with no regard for plans. My rigid assumptions have halted me in my path. My nuclear contempt for you has the same outcome as my high demands. I've absorbed enough of your hostile energy. Every time I'm reminded of you, you return to catapult everything. What's it's like to be untethered to you? Any way it could have happened and I knew I'd take it to the extreme. Scorched earth did not separate the dying embers from my heart. We were both cleansed through the inferno and now I lay waste to all that you left behind. I am not the one you abandoned; I am the one who walked in the opposite direction. I could not reside where my presence was no longer necessary. If you had it your way, I would never have found my courage. Don't mistake my silence for surrender. Don't underestimate my willingness to take the long road. I will get there even faster now that you're not here weighing me down. Cut the cord that keeps us afloat. Sever the tie that prevents us from resuscitating. Reanimating isn't just for the walking dead anymore. I can stitch myself back together with all of my former body parts. They will realign and fuse back into one. A weakened pulse can find its strength again. A hollow core can finally be on the mend. Just because I didn't foresee this betrayal doesn't mean I didn't account for it. You don't get to resurface from this drowning and expect me to wait for you beneath the waves. I can hold my breath far longer than you can. This pressure will not keep me contained. The carbon dioxide will not keep me confined. The grave you dug for our future is the only thing that will be buried. I will use the dirt from our coffin to orchestrate a new beginning. Rebuilding from scratch is not as awful as you claimed it would be. You have truly failed to make a martyr out of me
By Anna Torresabout a month ago in Poets
Harangue Me
I am severely disappointed in you. Poor little damsel, who is going to save you now? This stranger has now left me alone to pick up the pieces. What I assumed would be permanent turned out to be temporary. But the skull I now have in my hands once resided on your shoulders. The trauma you subjected me to I threw back at you as well. Medusa had it right, my stare will turn you into stone. But your gaze never turned my way and eventually, my grasp sought out your head instead. Your actions never matched your words so I must decapitate you from your spine for your indifference. Indecent compassion and compromised judgement forced me to hold you accountable. The scales must be balanced for the both of us. I will meet my fate with a triumphant roar. I can only hope you will meet yours and be stripped of your vanity. You left me in distress amidst the chaos in your mess. You thought rejection in your wake would devastate me. I rejected you years ago but still held firm in my loyalty. My devotion is a thing that had to be completely broken before I could begin anew. What title do I give you now? Former lover and absent father? What can sustain me now? You cannot vanquish me now. You can't punish me anymore than I've punished myself. You're not akin to godliness. Your false power cannot delude me any further. Buried down by the weight of your infernal glory. You lit the match to set me ablaze but I am immune to the fire. I've drank plenty of antidotes to inoculate myself from your presence. I've been tested and have survived to make it to the finish line. I can't continue to believe that I must struggle in order to heal. Why must I suffer because I feel it's my burden? What remains that can justify this injustice? I'm not the victim you thought you created. We couldn't align our trajectories and will never intersect. There is no peril strong enough where I can't rescue myself. Dragon breath and serpent fangs cannot penetrate me. Tiger blood and mammoth tongues cannot smother me. I don't need your permission or your approval anymore. You had your chance to evolve and you still chose to regress. I chose myself over you instead. I don't need a hero to lift me into the sky. I don't need anything except for these tears to dry
By Anna Torresabout a month ago in Poets
Hibernation
Diseased decrepit meat. The stench is rotting and festering in this hibernation we have endured. Gangrene is the detachment I need to rectify my losses. What did it cost me? My sincerity and my safety. You made me out to be the villain so villainous I became. I was worried that this ending would be the end of me. But the cold tundra and frozen earth has preserved my extremities very well. Reduced to dehumanizing artifices. Hypothermic selfishness prevented me from reaching my full potential. Your shivering cowardly torso lies dying in the heap of lies you concocted. Concealing every detail of your failed experiment. What did you seek to find? What did you think would happen when I told you the future was mine? I survived the harshness of winter alone while you succumbed to frostbitten elements. You weren't a paradox for me to unfold. You were merely a stepping stone on my way to tropical bliss. I don't know how you could have lived with yourself amidst all your arrogance and contradictions. The damaged truth means nothing in this toxic toxicity of a cave we once called home. We draw our symbols of contempt in the mountain walls in hopes we would be remembered. But the last 15 years have evaporated just like the breath in your lungs. Exposure to your own necrotizing tendencies has resulted in your immobility. I can stand up and walk away or crawl if I must. I leave you with no circulation in your veins. Your venemous blood can't spew out nonsense anymore. You grow numb while I am done. Done with amputated hopes and fears for a beginning that no longer includes you. I have wiped the slate clean with your narrow vessels and constricted tongue. I witness your final slumber while the mountain claims you as its final victim. Fatigue shuts you down while your flesh withers and decays in this apocalyptic state. Your exhausted pulse is slowing down. My inevitable height continues to grow. I hope your coma gives you all the pain you deserved. Your foul smell lingers and I have to vacate for my own sanity. I do not wish you good luck. I do not bid you farewell. I do not give you one final glance. I have my own journey to embark on and your absence is the greatest gift you could ever give. You can't hinder me anymore. What bound us together only made us suffer. Sometimes people only enter your life with no intention of staying. They just teach you your lesson and you are better for it. You were never meant to stay. You kept all of my blessings at bay. Here's to the future I promised to myself. I leave you behind along with everything else. Nothing grew here though we desperately tried. Courage is what I need but your omission will ultimately suffice
By Anna Torres2 months ago in Poets
The world revolves around me
The world revolves around me. The sun has got nothing on me. We will never be equals and that's the truth you never acknowledged. You dare not intimidate me with all your inferior vanity. My internal dialogue is more brutal than you anyways. Cutthroat and ravenous. How can I become my own best friend? How do I put myself first before anyone else? I've sacrificed myself so you can walk all over me. I let my anxiety eat me alive. I will apologize to you 1000 times before I ever apologize to myself. I believed in the facade you presented. I chose to look the other way with your egotistical manner always in my face. I'm not asking for the unattainable. I'm not praying for miracles or the improbable. I want bliss to find me before I find it. Clarity above judgement and wisdom above sacrifice. You need to calm down and see the bravery within. Stability in the mind and a body that aches to live. I have no choice but to destroy this fragile foundation and reconstruct all over again. I must fortify my walls so they will never succumb to toxic storms and selfish endeavors. I can only control my own needs and desires; I couldn't control your inconsistency and incompetence. I wasted years altering your shape to fit into my conquering plans. These plans lay burned and exonerated in the fire I used to purge myself. What I called love was only what I tolerated. I allowed your actions to trigger me countless times. I allowed you to use me as a stepping stone while I groveled at your occasional appearance. I attached to you like super glue because I couldn't attach to myself. This endless cycle of giving and giving has erupted into the empty vessel that is me. You thought I was cruel in my convictions but I was always more critical and doubtful of myself even more. These cold and indifferent pieces of my soul are the same as the intense and complex ones that claim to have loved you once. They were capable of survival before I met you. They will endure long after your scent has left my bedroom. I still have so much love to give: to myself and the next one who deserves all of it. You didn't disrupt my peace enough to change me. You haven't robbed me of my ambition or motivation. I was fine before you; I will excel even more without you. This death, this grief, this zombie apocalypse is not the event that will break me. You don't have that kind power over me. It's going to take a universal push for me to let my guard down again. Maybe next time it will be worth it and I will be made whole again. I promise you I will never settle for the average mundane ever again
By Anna Torres2 months ago in Poets
Let's Pretend This Never Happened
I really wish it hadn't come to this. We were having such a good time around the fire, drinking beer and reminiscing. Perhaps certain memories should stay in the past. Dan and I had 27 years worth of memories together and we always managed to survive the night. Until last night. Where exactly did the conversation go off track? When did Dan decide to shake off his inhibitions and simply become a stranger? We never argued. There was never any fights, any disagreements, or bad blood between us. Dan was my best friend. He was my hiking buddy and we would camp out overnight in the mountains every December. We've done this for over half our lives so why did last night turn into the nightmare it shouldn't have been? What was so different that had us turn on each other? I keep contemplating all these hypotheticals, all these scenarios, but I'm still coming up empty. My snow boots have really saved the day, up here all alone with no witnesses. I wasn't planning on hiking back alone, dragging this carcass behind me for 3 miles but I wasn't planning on a lot of things to happen. I miss Dan already but this has got to get done before the sun rises too high in the sky. I still have to double back and erase all traces of Dan and his presence here. I have to erase my tracks as well. I didn't know Dan's body could be so heavy.
By Anna Torres2 months ago in Fiction
Disobedience
I needed more than the bare minimum. You probably think you did your best but I provided more. What I require is exactly what I am capable of giving. I didn't ask for the impossible but the choices you made were insanely poor. There was a process I initiated and boundaries I expected you to follow. Acceptance of broken communication is still taking a lot out of me. What was once connecting us can and will be severely severed. I envisioned a future of madness and hoped it would set us free. The path of peace is one I have to take alone. My failure is one that had to occur for me to expand. A life of pessimistic tranquility cannot exist no matter how hard I pushed. I settled for a marriage where you no longer held my hand. There is a clever con you force yourself to believe. Where promises you want to hear are not the ones you make. The change I sought was the one I had to endure and claim. Blissful ignorance is a powerful tool for the corrupted insane. The finish line feels so unattainable and far away. Like this process will be rewarded when I know it won't. I allow my regression to keep pulling me back instead of forward. I can't give you this much control every time you return, so please don't. I am metamorphic and still ascending at a steady pace. You will change artificially but that is your burden to bear. I don't want to be reminded of past mistakes and wounded pride. My soul is transforming and you can't halt this evolution so don't you dare. I wish I could fast forward until I'm fully healed. But who knows when that will occur and what will transpire. I have my doubts and anxieties and perhaps I always will. But time altered its future for me so my bleakness isn't so dire. What happened to the potential I thought resided in me? If I was so stubborn, why did I give up on myself so quickly? I thought I was a masterpiece in disguise, in the making. How do I carve myself out of marble and still be more than what I want to be? The future keeps extending his warm and cuddly hand. I don't want a new companion to completely conquer me. I want a future where I can love myself and be loved in return. I'm not asking for a miracle, just for the future to be simple and happy for me. I want serenity and the peace that comes with an unclouded mind. If love will allow me, I will claim both along with his hand in mine
By Anna Torres3 months ago in Poets
Breadcrumbs
I'm living off of hope that someone will still save me. I follow the breadcrumbs as if they were specifically meant for me. If you want me, you know where to find me. I'm praying you will come to me as if it were your destiny. I'm that desperate to take anything you give. Self-sabotage breeds toxicity and it needs one more life to live. I'm not going to roll the dice and pin all my hopes on if. If you want me, you'll have to jump over this rift. This nagging feeling keeps telling me don't get your hopes up. Why do I never feel like I am good enough? You're still so vulnerable and looking for validation. You can't keep pretending you're not praying this time that he's the one. You're not perfect but I have my fingers crossed. I want you to reassure me and love me with all of my flaws. I want to mold myself into the shape of your desire. Why wouldn't I want to damage myself in the heat of this fire? Maybe I should have waited until I was fully healed. I didn't want to lose this opportunity and have my fate sealed. I'm scared of the future and I have so much riding on this experience and connection. I don't have the strength to keep trying in hopes I'll eventually forget and move on. I might never believe in myself and be the confident one. I'll always want you to choose me instead of another one. My salvation lies in your choice to love me and only me. I'm already planning on choosing you because that's the only way I'll be free. I can't fake passivity nor can I fake apathy. I can't be indifferent because my heart always takes that leap before me. Loving being in love is a curse I have given myself. Finding that forever is all I want above everything else. The false sense of perfection drives me up the wall. Wishing I was what you want is the goal above all. Acceptance of me and my insecurities will be a dream come true. I might never be able to do it so I only hope it's you. My anxiety feels like I want so little and so much. I can't risk rejection again because I still believe in love. Maybe that's what this path is: me learning to love and accept myself one day. I can only cross my fingers and hope I'll see smiling you back at me on that one fateful day
By Anna Torres3 months ago in Poets
