Days when I let pain define my life become isolating and dark. Tears run down my face and I feel defeated. Frustrating, negative thoughts fill my head. I waste hours feeling sorry for myself while laying in bed. There have been many days I've wallowed in self-pity and let pain define my life. Anxious thoughts take over my mind. And all I can think about is the pain. With anxious thoughts 💭 panic attacks form, I can't breathe, my chest hurts, and I fall asleep from exhaustion with tears in my eyes while being held by my worried husband.
Lay your head down. Close your eyes. Leave your worries and pain for tomorrow. Take a deep breath. In and out. Listen to only the sound of the air filling your lungs. Then fall asleep. Dreaming, I’m hanging out on a beach, I hear the waves crashing into one another and finally feel at peace. I’ll call this dream, my ocean.
Ever hear the phrase, "assuming something makes an ASS out of you and me." Assuming or believing something before you even know the truth can create a fake reality. People do it all of the time. I know I can create something in my head that is not true just by assuming. Honestly, I assume the most with my husband. And I am most vulnerable around him. I assume he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I am not as healthy as when we were in college or I assume he will leave me because of my chronic pain and not being a "normal" wife. We assume things because many of us constantly live in fear or do not want to be rejected. It is easier to make something up in my mind than to talk to my best friend and person who loves you more than anything in the world.
Sitting at Bryce's baseball games during Spring break, my body shut down. I was in so much pain Bryce's mother had to take me back to our condo room. My head was pounding and my body was shutting down. It can be kind of scary when my body starts to shut down. It happens anytime, anywhere. I was so frustrated I couldn't stay for the game. The vacation was to support my husband but felt like I had failed him. I took a hot bath and after just sat in a chair, overlooking the ocean. Barely able to move, I closed my eyes and listened to the ocean. Soon, I fell asleep for hours and didn't wake up until Lilly and the grandparents arrived back at the room. I laid in my bed and watched them eat dinner. I still had no energy. I truly cherish the days I feel good because on a bad day my life is very different. The pain is so intense at times that my body feels like it's on fire.
People. I love people. Being around them and interacting. People are unique and vibrant. They come in all different shapes, colors, and sizes. People warm my heart. People make me smile. People keep me going.
My head has been spinning the last twenty-four hours. My pain is extreme right now. My lower back is out, my left arm is very sensitive and numb!! I'm so anxious, my heart keeps trying to communicate with my mind to just relax and the flare-up won't last forever. But I am in panic mode. Last night, by 6 PM, my day was done. Always pushing myself too far, I was setting up Lilly's favorite board game, Dog Monopoly. Sorting the money my body was exhausted. I'd been hit by a bus. It's frustrating when I wait all day for my family to be together and spend time with one another. It's frustrating that I couldn't manage to play a game with my family. It shows my body isn't healed completely.