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How to Destroy a Social Media Company

Some incoherent rantings inspired by a crazy billionaire who dreams of transforming the world.

By Peeping_SoulPublished 3 months ago 5 min read
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How to Destroy a Social Media Company
Photo by Jeff Kingma on Unsplash

Why Destroy?

I am sure you might be wondering, "why to destroy?” After all, any good entrepreneur is supposed to build, nurture, and take a fledgling start to greater heights. Why would any sane homo sapien want to do hara-kiri?

But before I answer this question, let us check if you have the bare minimum prerequisites to be a destructive superstar,

• You need to be a nutty billionaire who gets orgasms by calling people to the office at 1.00 AM.

• You are humanity’s last (and only) savior to survive the toxic planet Earth and move to a conducive (read inhospitable) refuge.

• You are a permanent fixture in the bedrooms of the abusive and the infamous.

Suppose you happen to tick all the boxes, congrats! Your hot seat in Satan’s hellhole is confirmed. If not, I am sorry, my friend! You need to do something drastic to shed the last vestiges of humanness that is sticking onto you like a leach. Needless to say, reading this article would hasten the process of making yourself less human.

Now let us come to the “why” part. You need to destroy a company when,

• You are an ardent proponent of free speech. And free speech means free people of everything (including their jobs).

• You want to make humans bigger, better, and wiser, And the only way to do that is to destroy their older (read inefficient) versions and force-fit them in a shinier (read hardcore) efficient version.

• Your ego has ballooned to gigantic proportions, and it needs space (and lesser people) to spread its wings,

Now let us come to the eight golden steps to destroy a company systematically.

1. Announce the Takeover

2. Stop the Deal

3. Demand Some Weird Conditions to Close the Deal

4. Do Some Dilly-Dallying

5. Close the Deal and Sack the Top Management

6. Start Operation Firestorm

7. Serve an Ultimatum to the Remaining Buggers

8. File for Bankruptcy

1. Announce the Takeover

This is where your immense money power comes into the picture. But you need to ensure that your takeover blitzkrieg happens in the wee hours of the morning for maximum impact and worldwide infamy.

2. Stop the Deal

Remember, you are a destroyer, not some run-of-the-mill entrepreneur creating a company. So, when the deal is, say, 99.999% done, stop the sale, leaving the unsuspecting negotiators confused, angry and bitter in that order.

3. Demand Some Weird Conditions to Close the Deal

Here are some examples,

• I want a detailed analysis of the 50,000-year-old history of the evolution of human nose hair.

• I want you to demonstrate two baboons writing your code with 100% accuracy and one reviewing the same with 120% accuracy.

• Since I am hardcore, I want to know the details of all the official meetings held between 1.00-3.00 AM. Note the time. No other time is acceptable

Needless to say, the weirder, the better for your image,

4. Do Some Dilly-Dallying

Make contradictory statements in the media. Find some scapegoats from the company and bad mouth them with clockwork efficiency. Change your "final" decision on the deal on a minute-by-minute basis leaving employees in the lurch and shareholders jittery. If nothing works, Conduct an impromptu meeting with the team from a hotel’s kitchen.

By the time you conclude this step, your acquired company will be on its downward spiral of self-destruction.

5. Close the Deal and Sack the Top Management

Ok, you would have enough of bad press by this time. People would be braying for your blood, and employee morale would be at its lowest. Now is the time to strike the iron while it is hot.

Close the deal suddenly. Sack the CEO within one hour (good riddance!). Sack the other top management within two hours. With all semblances of any possible rebellion bamboozled into submission, sit on the high pedestal, and announce, "I am the king."

6. Start Operation Firestorm

Do not be fooled. Your path still needs to be clarified. You have some ants (read employees) to be taken care of who may bite at any moment. But rest assured. Without any further delay, launch “Operation Firestorm” having the following simple steps,

• Boot out all employees and close all their accesses.

• Start picking employees at random and consult your inner gut. If you do not like their face, sack them. If you do not like their name, sack them. If you feel like sacking them for no reason, sack them.

• Continue this bloodbath unabated, uninfluenced by anyone or anything whatsoever.

Congrats!! You have successfully decimated 50% of the company. Now is the time to deal with the other 50%, supposedly the "lucky" ones who escaped your wrath.

7. Serve an Ultimatum to the Remaining Buggers

Never assume that the remaining buggers left after your purge would be loyal to you. You need to ensure their loyalty by sending a midnight mail with an ultimatum,

• “Serve me with blindfolded devotion for the rest of your lives without any questions asked.

• Confirm your devotion in the affirmative by 5 PM PT, failing to which you would be deemed a traitor and thrown out unceremoniously”

Congrats again! At the end of this step, 90% of the team would have gone, and the remaining 10% would be at “high flight risk." The company would now be truly on the verge of collapse.

8. File for Bankruptcy

By the time you reach this step, one or more of the following events might be plaguing your prized acquisition (and you, of course),

• Several lawsuits against the company would be competing to get the last morsel of it.

• Investors and shareholders running away in droves.

• You become the butt of innovative jokes and memes across social media.

Stay strong. Be unfazed. Shit happens simply because “small” people can never understand your “big “vision.

Brush off the insults and the brickbats and file for bankruptcy with complete confidence.

Tomorrow is another new day and another new company waiting to be destroyed. The insanity must go on!

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About the Creator

Peeping_Soul

I am an executive who likes spending time reading and writing about almost everything under the sun.I love writing within the cusp of relationships, history, and creativity where boundaries are blurred, and possibilities are immense.

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