The Unrelenting Familiar Stranger

Everyday the same routine, she comes to me at night with the expectation for me to greet her with open arms, scarred and damaged. I can always sense her near me, especially when I'm alone. She tugs and pulls, and I lie in silence waiting to see if I can ignore her enticing poison until she stops.

I remember a time before we met; a life filled with dreams and possibility. I had a hope to be a better person than the people around me.

I knew there would come a day when I would face her. I would stand strong and resist unlike the others that came before me.

And I did resist... The first time she greeted me I proudly turned my face, assuming we would part ways after the rejection. She vanished for a while but then started reappearing right when it was inconvenient for me. It's like somehow she knew...

With each dark day that passed, she was with me; always there when I wanted to forget, bringing to me all the comfort she promised but with such a price. After all, what is pleasure without sacrifice?

I wonder if I would do it all again, and will I let her in like I did before? Should I just give in? My release would bring me comfort, but is it worth it?

I can see the price my family pays, so I try to avoid them. Their judgmental glares are too much for me to bare, and I know they will never understand. They will never know the unrelenting temptation she brings with each second that passes. Do I judge them for not knowing what she is like?

I have recognized that the choices I make are mine and mine alone, but the weight I carry is heavy and should not be ignored. Am I selfish to notice this?

Everyday while promising myself I will not give in, I still seem to fail to my sureness. I have nothing left to lose as, because of her, I have lost it all. I still can't give up my longing to be back where I belong.

I have to keep going, keep moving, and keep healing even when I think so much is against me. So tonight I locked the door, but I know she will be back tomorrow. All I can do is move forward.