Thoughts on Identity

Identity is such a tricky concept. It is a strange and blurry line between how others see us and how we think of ourselves, where are the gaps and overlaps and downright untruths? The events and opinions that paint over our own internal perceptions from birth.

I have been SEEN as so many things, and it only takes a thought to change someone's opinion of you, with zero regard to who you really are. I went from being seen as lazy and aimless to a talented but driven-demanding-workaholic at risk of severe burnout to a rude, thoughtless, and lazy burden. I was seen as low maintenance and then high maintenance. Horrible, then sweetness and light.

All it took was a thought and me shifting my energy, prioritizing it where I felt in my heart...my own integrity... it was needed most.

Have there been times that my view of myself has changed , yes absolutely!

Have people’s opinions of me worn me down at times? My god yes!

My identity was wrapped up in making my mom happy and then in being who my father wanted me to be in the attempt not to lose him as well. It wouldn't have happened but at seven, you don't really think that far ahead. Once I was away from my family my identity became about what I could achieve.

Overcoming some of the unhappier labels that had been placed on me (incorrectly) and finding out how far I could push myself when it came to work. I kept the pieces of the identity my dad had laid out for me as it pertained to achievement. I am not complaining, Dad crafted a good identity for me.

Artist, entrepreneur, craftsperson with dignity and a fair amount of guile. He did well.

I also became the best friend a person could have, once again in an attempt...a very vain attempt....to keep people from leaving me.

I Shifted around this time from viewing myself as a lazy, aimless flake to being a demanding & slightly sarcastic workaholic. That became my identity, an identity that I kept & enjoyed up until I became a mother. Which completely changed who I thought that I was, it’s been an interesting journey .

In the end, identity feels to be our own opinion & beliefs about ourselves.

Most times established by achievement or behavior or at times, appearance.

But honestly, our identity is our character.

The decisions and choices that we make every single day. Who are you? Who am I? We are the sum of the choices made within our own integrity. Integrity being, what we can honestly say we feel is the correct reaction from within ourselves to any given situation. Which can get so murky, always being clouded over by societal precepts.

Not to get all metaphysical on you all but let’s be fair I have a new age shop and write supernatural sci fi fantasy...it’s going to get metaphysical as F***!

When we strip away all this skin that we are wrapped in and are out there floating around in the ether, who are we...what traits does our consciousness retain and what choices have shaped our soul.

That is our character and our true identity. My identity has always been wrapped up in my next goal, my next achievement, my next milestone.

When I decided to open a metaphysical shop to help my community, I felt my way of thinking & living would shift a little, not too far from the mark but enough to have me feeling better about myself and incorporating more of the philosophies that I was raised with into my life. It was a good change and my identity bore new markings, so to speak, because of it.

I incorporated more spiritual philosophy (I grew up with my dad preaching it to me and it gave me a great base for life, but I shrugged off some of the more "far out" notions in favor of common sense) into my life and identity and began to make more peace within myself.

When I began using my gifts to read for people, much of who I thought I was and who I tried to be melted away. It was shocking and scary, as so many people came to me and bared their souls.

I saw so much hurt, and I was shown that there was more than one side to every story and involving every issue. I became much more open-minded and a great deal more compassionate. To be fair, Dad warned me about this (He has been a psychic reader for many years). Of course, I didn't listen and I’m glad that he takes being right gracefully!

Then I became a mother....and my whole world fell around me!

Everything that I was trying so hard to be just went away. When I looked at my kiddo...I just didn’t want to be anything else but his. All the things that I thought I wanted fell away from me, and if I had not been such a practical soul, I would have let most things that I had worked for go.

All the emotions, thoughts, needs that I had been compartmentalizing, repressing, and moving past because I didn’t "Have time to deal with them" came flooding in! This was on top of feeling completely out of my depth and having a tiny all-important life in my hands.

I can honestly say, I have never worked harder in my life, and I once held three jobs just for fun. Nor shown more dedication and adaptation in my ENTIRE life, all on almost zero sleep.

I have always prided myself on my work ethic and dedication to a job, as well as my ability to learn and adapt quickly, but WOW! This was on a whole other level!

Through motherhood, my son is the clearest mirror through which I see myself and sometimes that’s not a very pretty picture, I have a clearer idea of who I am then I could have ever hoped to have in any other way.

So, I suppose, my identity didn't truly change when I had my son....it revealed itself.

Who am I kidding, I'm going to be finding things out about myself for years to come.

I could talk on and on about motherhood and the joys and changes along the journey, but I will author another article on this topic another time.