Moving Through Feeling

Dear Vocal,

It’s time to part ways. It is neither good nor bad, it just is. The truth is I'm angry.

Even as I write these words I find myself dissociating. It has been a journey to find me. I thought it began when my grandmother passed but now I know it has always been me. Steering me towards the truth of me. I am awareness.

How strange to start then stop.

Silence.

A brain at peace? A distraction from my need to release the thorn that makes me bleed.

I’m angry. My mind says no one in particular but my heart says my dad. Though my authentic voice says it’s all just you. I won’t stay aware as long as the block is there. It keeps drawing my attention and disconnecting me from me. My fear. His shame is all mixed up inside of me like an inky black pit that needs to be released. It traps my voice and I wear it to sleep. It blocks my dreams and edits my “real”.

I need to untangle my dreams from him.

I raged at the being that knew me. I raged at the being that see’s me. The one that reflected me. Contorted her into a monster that trapped me. Meanwhile I hid my anger to the being that refused to look me in my eye. What was so wrong with me that I had to die? What did I do that …. The line of questioning seems to be blocked.

The new agreement I made with myself is I would not violate me by thought, word or deed. I did nothing. I was a kid. I was your heart walking around and they violated me. The thing you can not protect. No matter how hard you try. I am your shame and my mothers sin.

You cut me off emotionally but I learned so much in the end. Like how to live as a ghost and play pretend. How to lie to myself and feel like I was wrong internally. How to be ashamed of who I can be. I played small for a while, docile and -

That is the African Pride.

The way we became ghosts before our time to survive the deep rooted pain of our bloodline in order to survive we smile & when we can’t we die.

I release myself from my African Pride.

I forgive myself.

I release.

I thank myself for this journey towards being.

I thank the creator of all things for guiding me.

You have had your hand on me from my beginning.

You were there when I was created and will be there at the end.

Thank you for the gift of living.

Amen.

In the end I realized I had already documented my life in stories.

And as in all endings, now the real journey begins.

Thank you Vocal for giving me the platform to explore me.

Signed,

The Authentic me

A reflection after re-reading: Can you spot which is me and which is the mind "feeling"? Where does the story actually begin?

A redirected impulse after reading: My ego feels the need to save others … They must release themselves.

The end. Begin.

Re-Re -read: Feelings projected. It’s my shame. I release.

It’s all me.

<3 Much love to you on your journey to your Authentic Me… Hang on, cause it's a heck of a ride. Even still, begin. You deserve to live.