Mama’s Boy

I’ve been a fiancé for four years and three months. We’ve been together for six and a half years total, and we have a two-month-old son together. I can’t help but think that we’ll never get married. We haven’t even decided on a wedding date. When I bring it up, he tries to escape the room as if he’s late for something more important.

I’m not the kind of person who views marriage as the only option for spending a lifetime with someone you love, but I’m not ok with being misled. If marriage wasn’t what he wanted, then he shouldn’t have pretended. I get sick to my stomach thinking of how much time I've wasted.

I regret carrying his child outside of wedlock, and it has nothing to do with religion. I've never even been to a church service. I just feel stupid. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to commit to me anymore, or maybe commitment was never his intention at all, because he surely hasn’t forgotten. Julius is really smart. He's a Portfolio Manager at a bank, and I'm just Rose. I’m nobody special.

What I hate the most about our relationship is that Julius constantly compares me to his Mama. Every time that he's home for dinner, he can't wait to remind me that she cooks better than me. She cleans the dishes faster than I do, and she understands him in a way that I never will. I don’t know why he doesn’t just marry her instead of making me feel less than.

When Ms. Carol makes rude comments about my parenting, Julius doesn't defend me. He claims that it's because I'm not his wife. It sucks not having my own family to help me out. My foster parents disowned me as soon as I turned eighteen, and Julius and my little boy are all that I’ve got.

I remember when Julius and I first met at Kimmy's Cajun Restaurant. I thought it was love at first sight. That he was my soulmate. I thought he cared about me when he asked what I was looking for, so I told him what I wanted in a man, and he became exactly that. Now I realize how foolish that was of me to give him the playbook to win my heart. I beat myself up for missing the red flags from the start. Needless to say, I'm not living the life that he promised me, and I have no education to fall back on.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, and he took her to brunch. I’ve been asking to go out for months, and I got nothing but excuses. I was left here at home to take care of our boy. It’s never Julius’s turn to be the parent; I’m basically a single mom. I don't have friends to talk to about my feelings, and I haven't had one day to myself since my son was born. Its been so hard and lonely being a new mom. I love my child, but I'd be lying if I say I always love being a mom.

It's really hard. If I had a break every now and then, I would probably feel differently, but I'm so exhausted... I feel like I'm drowning most of the time.

It’s a tradition for Julius to sleep in his childhood bedroom on Mother's Day night, so he’s still not back yet. I hear Jason crying on the baby monitor, so I grab the breast pump and make him a fresh bottle before heading upstairs to feed him. According to Ms. Carol, only bad mothers feed their children through a bottle, but I don't care what she thinks. I'm going to do what's best for my baby and me.

I feed Jason as I stroke the fine hairs on top of his little head. He falls asleep in my arms, and I whisper into his ear, "I promise to never be anything like Grandma." I place him gently into his bassinet and drag downstairs to make breakfast.

Julius should be home soon, and he'll be pretty angry if he doesn't have orange juice, scrambled eggs, and corned beef hash ready on the table.

Although it hardly works, I do my best to avoid conflict. I’ve learned it’s best to do what he likes to keep the peace. After all, I don’t have anywhere else to go.

Julius has never put his hands on me, but the way he belittles me hurts just as bad as a punch to the stomach.

Once I finish making breakfast, I eat, and then I put his food in the microwave and lie down on the sofa to relax while the baby is sleeping. I wrap myself in my heated blanket and turn on the television.

An hour goes by, and Julius still isn’t home, so I text him, “Hey, just checking in to make sure you’re ok.” I put my phone on the coffee table in front of me and continue watching “Love Is Blind.”

I’m struggling to pay attention, because there’s too much on my mind. Like how weird Julius and his mother act around one another. Ms. Carol’s husband died when Julius was still in her womb, so maybe that caused an unhealthy relationship that went beyond mother and son. I’m not sure, and I don’t want to make accusations about something so serious, but their relationship is very odd.

Before my conspiracy theories go too far, I catch myself from diving down the rabbit hole and ask Alexa to play smooth jazz. I stand up and sway to the rhythm off-beat unapologetically. My eyes are closed, and I can feel the music flowing through my body.

I'm hoping that the baby doesn't cry and ruin the fun.

My phone dings; it’s a message from Ms. Carol. I turn up the brightness on the screen and read the text, "Rose, I'm saddened to inform you that my son no longer desires to be in a relationship. You and your baby have until the end of the month to find a place to live. Until then, Julius has decided to stay at home with me. Best of luck to you both."

My heart sinks into my gut. Growing up in the foster care system, it wasn't uncommon to be treated poorly, but this is next level. He broke up with me through his Mother and in a text message!

Wow... I wasn't even worthy of a phone call or a conversation in person.

Anger boils inside of me. I don't take a minute to process what I read. I just react. I run straight into the garage to fetch a golf club from his bag, and I smash every photograph in the living room. Almost all of the pictures were of him and his Mother anyway.

Jason starts crying, and I ignore him. I walk over to my phone and call Ms. Carol, and she picks up on the second ring. "I'll be out of the house by tonight cause it'll be up in smoke." I say without giving her a chance to respond before hanging up.

Of course I don't mean what I said, but I'm betting that it will make Julius show up and face me like a man.

Ms. Carol tries to call back several times, but I don't answer her. I'm enjoying the thought of her being in distress.

My son is still crying, so I run upstairs to console him. Seeing his innocent face makes me breakdown. He didn't ask to be born into this mess. As I rock him in my arms, I smell his scent, and it calms me down.

I reflect on how I let my emotions take control over me while carrying Jason on my shoulder into the master bedroom. I shouldn’t have given them so much power…

With Jason lying on my chest, I doze off, and I wake up to Julius screaming, "Get off of him!"

I'm still in a daze, so I'm assuming that my plan worked, and he's just pissed about the mess I made downstairs.

"Can we talk about this like adults?" I ask Julius as I lift my head squinting my eyes. He rushes towards me and flips me over onto my back. Julius snags Jason and cradles him in his arms as he cries, "Look what you've done!" I freeze once I realize what I did.

"You better pray he's still breathing!" He cries fearfully.

I've never seen Julius show this much emotion towards the baby. He was emotionally and physically unavailable since Jason was in my belly, but his cry is unlike any sound I have ever heard. It's filled with pain, and I can feel every tear. Ms. Carol shouts from the bottom of the stairs, "I'm calling 911!"

She's telling the operator that I purposely harmed our child to get back at her son for wanting to end the engagement. I know it's not the truth, but I can't even move my lips to defend myself.

The only phrase that I can speak under my breath in this nightmare is, "God, if you're real, help me. Help my boy."