Calling Moscow - 18

To my dear friend Rita, who works tirelessly on nuclear non-proliferation since late 1990s.

This conversation happened on September 13, as Trump was seeking the details of Putin-Kim summit in the Far East.

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie, can you call me later? I’m really tired.”

“I won’t hold you long, Vlad. How was it?”

“How was what?”

“C’mon, Vlad, you know what I’m talking about.”

“I really don’t, Donnie.”

“C’mon, your meeting with Kim.”

“Ah, that. It was alright, I guess.”

“Alright? Just alright?”

“Yeah, alright. I didn’t get what I needed from him, but I think I’m getting close.”

“Yeah? And what is that, Vlad? What is it that you need from him that I can’t give you?”

“Oh, Donnie, do I hear a note of jealousy there?” (teasing)

“Jealousy? I’m not jealous of him.” (pouting) “What did you guys do together?”

“What can I tell you that you already didn’t read in the newspapers, Donnie?”

“Everything! You know I don’t read newspapers and the news clips I got here were too short. Like you two don’t matter at all, they call you international pariahs.”

“Pariahs, ha? Just because we don’t want to lick Biden’s ass?”

“Right. But what about the meeting, Vlad?”

“Well, where do I start?”

“From the very beginning. I wanna know everything.” (like a fawning fanboy).

“Well, he arrived by train because he is afraid of flying for security reasons.”

“Kinda like you are now, right, Vlad?”

“Me??? Where does that come from? I’m not afraid of flying.”

“Media here say all the time that you’d rather go by train than by plane anywhere, especially like between Moscow and St. Petersburg.”

“Moscow to Valday is just a beautiful, enjoyable train ride. And how do you think I got from Moscow to Vladivostok to meet with Kim? It would have taken me six days by train.”

“Six days? Really? Is your train that slow, Vlad?”

“That’s how big my country is, Donnie. That’s why I took a plane to Vladivostok.”

“Oh, OK. So you met Kim at the train station?”

“No, my people did. I met him later. Haven’t you seen that? At least those images were all over the global media.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen them. You both looked great. So strong and powerful.” (dreamily) “And then?”

“And then we went straight to the Vostochny Cosmodrome.”

“Vos… what?”

“Cosmodrome, Donnie, cos-mo-drome. It’s where we launch our rockets and spaceships from.”

“Ah, I see. Did you have fun?”

“Of course, we did. Kim was like a kid, wanted to know everything about our space program and how we can use the cosmodrome to launch nukes.”

“Did you tell him?”

“As much as I could, without disclosing state secrets. He really wanted me to commit to helping him build better nukes.”

“And did you?”

“As much as I could, to get what I needed from him.”

“I see. And what exactly do you need from him, Vlad?”

“Ammunition for my operation in Ukraine, Donnie.”

“Oh, really, are you running out?”

“Not that I’m running out right now, but I’d rather have more than I need than run out in the future.”

“A-ha, a-ha. Did he promise you what you need, Vlad?”

“Not immediately, but as I said I think I’m getting there.”

“A-ha, he is a tough cookie, that Kim. Very tough. And smart, too.”

“Yeah, smart.” To the side, “definitely smarter than you. But still pretty stupid.”

“Did you do anything for fun?”

“Well, we had an official dinner with a lot of people and then a tet-a-tet.”

“Tet-a what?”

“That’s French for one-on-one conversation, Donnie.”

“Oh, really? What language did you speak?”

“Well, his English is not as good as my German and his German is pretty rough, so we had to use interpreters.”

“But then it’s not really one-on-one, is it?”

“Kinda like we had that off-side conversation with you, remember? We had to have our interpreters sign an NDA.”

“Yes, yes, I remember. I got so much grief over that! And with Kim, they didn’t even let me talk with him alone! He spoke pretty decent English, though. I could understand him.”

“Yeah, I told him he needs to learn Russian if he wants our countries to get closer.”

“Yeah? And what did he say?”

“He laughed. Said he’d dig out some of his grandfather’s books to do that.” (laughs)

“Oh, really?” (chuckles, in support) “Why?”

“Don’t you know anything about the two Koreas’ history, Donnie?”

“No. Should I?”

“Well, I’d think that as the former and future president you’d be a little more curious about history of other countries, especially the ones you want to be friends with.”

“Did you just say ‘future president,’ Vlad?” (beaming with pleasure)

“You are making it all about you again, Donnie. But yes, I hope you’d become president again next year. It will be so much easier for all of us.” (dreamily)

“I agree. But anyway, what about Kim’s grandfather?”

“Oh, Kim the First, the founder of North Korea, actually joined the Red Army before and during World War II and spoke perfect Russian. In the Soviet Union, he was known as Yura Kim.”

“Oh, really? Fascinating!”

“Of course it is. We had a pretty good relationship with him, until the Soviet Union fell apart.”

“Did you ever meet him?”

“Me? No, of course not. The last time he visited the Soviet Union was in 1984, I was a student at the KGB school then, getting ready to go to Germany. What did you do in 1984, Donnie?”

“I was in New York, building my real estate empire. Those were good times.”

“Yes, they were” (both sigh nostalgically). “Anyway, I did meet Kim the Second, though, twice. He didn’t speak Russian as well as his father, even though he was born in the USSR in 1940. He did know a lot of Russian songs, though, we once sang them together at a dinner.”

“Was he as handsome as his son?”

“Handsome?” (burst out laughing to the side) “I guess, he actually looks a lot like his grandson, but not as much as his father.”

“I see.” (sighs) “I really like Kim. I wish I could join you two, we could have had so much fun together, like a party or something.”

“You just need to get elected again, Donnie. Then everything will be possible. I’ll see to it that we all sing together, like in a karaoke or something.”

“That would be really nice, Vlad” (dreamily).

“Alright, Donnie, it’s pretty late here, so I have to go now. I’m beat.”

“Sure, Vlad. Nice talking to you.”

“Bye, Donnie.”

“Bye, Vlad.” After hanging up, “Well, this was pleasant. I really wish I could have joined them…”