Last Night I Went To See Take That And Olly Murs: A Mental Health Account, Part Two.

This is my second part about my night seeing Take That and Olly Murs.

In this article I want to talk about the pyrotechnics which involves the use of fire, or fireworks.

If you are a new reader, or you haven't had a chance to read part one of my story, you can do so below:

Fire has always been a major trigger for me.

I had a girlfriend who died in a fire when I was a teenager, and I was caught up in a fire accident when I was in my twenties.

The sight and smell of fire causes me to panic.

It brings back the images, smells, sounds, and it causes me to feel sick, shake, sweat, fast breathing, and triggers me into an intense anxiety state.

In the past, I have often ran for the doors out of panic and terror when I have seen pyrotechnics used on stage, and at this concert I was tempted, but I managed to stay and support my favourite singers.

I saw an Iron Maiden concert in 2023. I enjoyed the show, though during the pyrotechnics I had to leave and take a break because I was shaking with panic, sweating, fast breathing, and scared.

I stayed to the end of the show, and I was proud of that; though I felt ashamed of myself for feeling the way that I did.

Take That performed one of my favourite songs, using similar pyrotechnics at their concert.

I have added the video to that song below:

Video courtesy of YouTube (Accessed by Author: 18/05/2024)

During Take That's performance of this song at their concert, they used fire pyrotechnics going up stairs, and across the stage.

I had to be very resilient in order to stay and watch the performance.

I love this song, and I love Take That. It was a pleasure to see them back together regardless of the fact that some of their songs also bring back painful memories for me, but,

This band has a very special place in my heart, because they held me together in the 90's when I was going through a traumatic time as a victim of violence and abuse.

I wanted to be there to support the band, and show them how much I appreciated them getting back together.

I felt my heart beating fast, I was shaking, crying, I felt really sick, and I was sweating.

I tried to divert my feelings through dancing and singing, which got me through it; though, once back at the hotel where I and my husband were staying, I cried.

At the same time as crying, I was also trying to smile inbetween tears because I finally got to see Take That after being told by an ex in my past,

You're not seeing them because they are an all boy band.

Take That's music helped me to get through the abuse. The music was healing for me, and later, as I went on my recovery journey after trying to break free from the repeat cycle of abuse which came from many people in my adult and childhood, they enabled me to re-identify with my authentic self.

That was the reason I fought through the memories and the pain.

I wanted to give something back to the band as a token of appreciation for the songs that helped me through the worst period in my life.

The song has a new meaning for me today, despite the painful memories I often remember when I hear it.

It reminds me of what I have achieved, and what I am achieving today, and it reminds me that my life is worth more, and better today than it was in my past.

Nobody could see my trauma, because I tried to put on a brave face, and nobody can look inside my body or mind. They don't notice the tears or the shaking when it is dark. However, I also tried to dance it off, which is something I do to alleviate the trauma itself, and to mask the trauma through shame so that nobody notices it,

If someone were to notice it, that would make me feel embarrassed for having to deal with the trauma.

When people have noticed it in the past, they have often reacted by telling me to toughen up.

I had a few episodes during the performance when my eyes would dart around the hall, searching for signs of smoke or real flames, and my ears were on high alert for the sound of a fire alarm.

I had to divert my eyes from the stage more than once, because every flame morphed into the images of the fire trauma from the past, though my brain was not interpreting it as a past event; my brain was interpreting it as something that was happening there and then.

By the end of the song, I was disoriented and my husband had to help me come back.

It took another ten minutes of sweats, panic, shakes, and tears before I finally managed to focus on where I was.

Some people think that when you have PTSD, the person suffering is supposed to avoid every single event that leads to a trigger. They often think that a person can't be suffering if they attend an event that may bring on a trauma memory.

This is not true in all cases;

sometimes trauma can be triggered when the person is doing something they love, like in my case attending a concert. However, it isn't the event itself that causes the triggers to surface, it is usually something that occurs during the event, like in my case it was fire, but in someone elses case it could be anything from an item of clothing, a person who looks like their attacker, a smell, or an incident that is similar to the one they endured that triggers a trauma.

I have suffered from PTSD for most of my adultlife, and in my experience it can be exhausting. I can be happily walking down the street, but if a car speeds past me it is enough to trigger a trauma, though that might not be obvious to the person in front of me, because I can mask a trauma underneath fake emotions.

I have to be with another person who is capable of supporting me to do things like attend concerts, walk into pubs and cafes, go into town, go to the beach, get on buses etc; because if I have a trauma attack I lose my sense of direction and I cannot think straight or see where I really am.

An attack of trauma takes me away from my present into my past where I truly see, hear, feel, and re-live the trauma. Other people can't see, feel, or hear what I do because they are not inside my head.

I do intend to carry on attending concerts with my husband as part of my healing journey, because as I have said before, I love music. Attending concerts is a part of my therapy tools, and by trying to get out and about doing things I used to love before the trauma, it gives me a chance to uses these skills and retrain myself into feeling safe again, so that in the future, I might one day learn to enjoy the things I love without experiencing a full-blown attack of trauma.