The Marvels

When I reviewed Captain Marvel, I didn’t want to just say, “Hey, this film is bad and here are the bad parts.” I wanted to break down why it didn’t work from a storytelling perspective. More so that others don’t make the mistake and perhaps in the hope that maybe the writer of the film would read the review or at least so the point got back to her.

But alas it seems that no feedback was given, The Marvel’s was unleashed on the world. Is it the worst film ever? No, it’s not even the worst superhero movie out there. It’s a film that tried but tried with the effort and the care of Sloth on muscle relaxers.

Now it’s been said by others, a movie that requires homework is not a great movie. I watched WondaVison but I don’t remember Monica Rambo at all and I really don’t have the energy to watch the series again even though I think it’s one of the better shows to come from Marvel. I did not watch Ms. Marvel and thankfully the introduction of these characters in this movie doesn’t punish you for not knowing anything about them, though it does feel like I have missed something. Yet this is an undertone of the movie so it’s not something to obsess over.

I found Captain Marvel (Bree Larson) to be more likeable in this movie and I am so grateful for it. I said in my Captain Marvel review, if they turned her into a villain instead of trying to make her a hero that didn’t fit, then it would be a fantastic move that would retroactively improve the first film and have people go back and watch it- but this is not something that they have the ability to do, and while it is a shame, as I said, this was a more likeable version of the character as they introduced ‘regret’ into the character and that translated quite well.

The friction between Rambeau and Danvers felt personal and felt believable and this should really be commended. I am sure a lot of us have that feeling of not wanting to see someone that we were once really close to due to some preconceived hurdle we need to overcome when the reality is, the other person just wants to see us again. I felt that this was really played out well, especially with the slight abandonment tones in the film. I wish we had seen a little more of the intelligence and research side of, Rambeau though. Especially as the end of the film was simple, ‘Oh yeah it’s this thing… now I’ve done nothing to show how I know this but I am telling you this and so that is what it is.”

Yes, this film also suffers from ‘Tell don’t show.’ A cardinal sin for writers everywhere.

Kamala’s involvement in the movie was… a necessary annoyance. Bare with me for this one. So Disney’s main audience is kids, we all know it and how do you give kids the ‘power’ fantasy? Well, you put them in the film. It’s simplistic and is not always needed but that is the Disney trend so I understand why she was in the film and yes she acts as a child would which sometimes is annoying - but sometimes kids are annoying. But what this also does is bring in that more, innocent and perhaps sweetly naive view of the world. As you grow older your view of the world can become slightly bitter as you realise the world is made of shades of grey and not simple black and white- but kids don’t see things that way and I think this element helps with Carol Danvers and her shame for her actions. I appreciated that and amazingly (whether it was intentional or not) this wasn’t something that was told, it was shown!

Sadly this is where a lot of my positive comments end for the movie. The subplot seemed to exist only because the writer of this movie needed a catastrophe at the end.

Yes, we are getting into spoiler zones. So the subplot of the movie is a Nick Furry is on a space station above the Earth and random eggs start appearing all over the ship. Keep in mind this in meant to be a highly secure military station on a planet that largely is not a space-fairing species. So this is clearly a big problem and Furry needs to know where these eggs have come from. Nope, it’s fine, turns out the eggs are the space cats (the same one that took Furry’s eye and demolished an intriguing backstory that was set up in, Winter Solider). But why are they there!? Oh yeah, the station has gone critical and the space cats will eat the staff members on the station so they can regurgitate them when they land on Earth. Because of reasons. If that was removed from the film, it would have affected nothing at all. Other than some cringy attempts of inclusivity would have been avoided.

Yes, I said the ‘I’ word. Now while most of this film I found inoffensive in that regard, I do have to say that my partner - a proud black Nigerian woman, rolled her eyes and made her dissatisfaction known during the preying snippet and as the term, ‘black girl magic’ was used. This is something that really bothered her and while my perspective is limited to what I am, I do wonder how many black women are turned off of Marvel by their simple and pandering acts to attract more demographics. Based on how well these films have done, I am guessing it’s a fair bit.

The main villain of this movie is, Dar-Benn, played by Zawe Ashton. Honestly, I have to say, I think the villain was played well. There was a personal connection, an anger that ties in conviction and a hint of the willingness to be a Marta as this villain truly believed in what they were doing - despite how stupid the plan was.

So Captain Marvel kinda killed off a planet slowly - very slowly. And the villain's plan is to steal things like, atmosphere, water and a sun from elsewhere to bring the planet back to life.

The first planet that is targeted Dar-Benn wants to broker a peace treaty- until Captain Marvel turns up and then is blinded by hatred after what the Captain has done. The atmosphere is syphoned off and we get to see the two lead adults work in shades of grey and trying to save who they can while Kamala states that everyone needs to be saved. It’s a harsh reality that the youngest of the trio needs to learn, but also a lesson that the older two need to learn that there is a weight to what they do and it’s carried out fairly well. The idea of using wormholes is honestly interesting and visually they did a really good job, but as I’ll explain later, it was poorly thought out.

The next target… ah this is tough. So a ‘Sing-Song planet where people communicate in song is… well again, it’s a film for the kids to enjoy but it is a planet that is 96.6% water… The villain wants to take the water..

Okay, now my background in Marine Biology can’t just let this go. These planets are picked because they are the perfect ratio and specification to keep the dying planet alive, they are picked because there is some personal connection to Danvers. So is the dying planet the right size? Planets are not uniform. If Earth was dried out and we took all the water from Uranus it would flood the entire planet dipole the ratio of water on Uranus being about 80%. That is before we look at the animals that live in the water, the bacteria, the ecosystems that are needed to keep the oceans healthy and so on. It is a really stupid plan and I will repeat that again later on.

In addition to this, while there was some effort to save the people on the first targeted planet, there was no such effort on the second planet. Sure they are able to fight for themselves, so maybe we are meant to assume that they can just go off and find a new planet, but the story tells us that the planet and the inhabitance have come to their end. The Sing-Song people who seemed plucked from a Disney dream are over and done with little more than a whimper.

Finally, Earth is targeted and its Earth’s sun that is to be stolen next.

And this maybe is why the space station went critical but it’s hard to connect those dots and realistically, the station went critical so that they could make a scene where space cats were eating people.

Anyway, by opening a portal and stealing the sun’s fire it rejuvenates the sun on the dying planet… I am not convinced that’s how stars work but okay…

So the villain has opened up a wormhole to steal the atmosphere, water and sun-fire. This plan is really really stupid.

Did I mention that the villain of this story is from the Kree Empire? Oh yeah, the empire that covered a massive chunk of the galaxy so absolutely has the resources to move to a new planet and set up, thrive and no one suffers. But nope. Two planets and a solar system have to be destroyed because the simple solution doesn’t line up with plot and the story needs to play out this way because… well this is what bad writers do.

So we now face the end of the film where the wormhole now isn’t just to a different part of the galaxy but also a different universe for … reasons.

Part of me thinks Monica Rambeau flew through the wormhole to get away from the poor writing.

It’s hard to say the film should have done this or that when so much of this film was pointless and things happened because that’s what the plot needs. Take away the notion of bringing life back to the dying planet and just make the villain focus on revenge. Same planets get targeted but it doesn’t leave such massive plot holes. You can still use the bangles to open up wormholes but has a scene where Rambeau is studying them and show her finishing out that they aren’t all located to this universe. Have Dar-Benn scream that as her home was taken from her, she will steal Earth’s sun so that Carol can never go back home as neither can Dar-Benn. And for the love of creative writing, get rid of the space cats! I know someone was really around when they dreamed up the scene of the cats eating all the staff members of the space station so that they could regurgitate them on Earth at the end of the movie, but just because you have a fun idea, doesn’t mean it has to be forced into the movie. It adds fatigue, stunts the pacing and shows the script was so weak from the beginning. Whereas if the reason mysterious eggs were appearing on the station was due to the wormholes and it was a real threat, that could have led to something that was at least interesting rather than boring.

I am ignoring the mid-credit scene despite it being the best scene in the movie. But with very good reason, I don’t want to tie it to this failure or a movie. And that is all I will say about that.

So there we are. The Marvels, the case study of continued failure. The easiest way to fix this film is simply to have not made it. No one was waiting for it and fewer people wanted it. The MCU seems to be dead, and its corps is stinking up the cinemas.