When Good People Go Through Mental Trauma

The process to healing with any kind of trauma takes years if not decades. My journey is different compared to most, mine was going from one home to another all toxicity growing up. Being around true narcissistic family. My stigma towards my own family became so strong I would find ways to cope that wasn't really healthy.

Being rebellious to the point I'm surprised I didn't end up in juvie. When I was a teenager high school was a nightmare being called Loser and freak. Having that reputation I didn't have real friends. Again as escaped into my writing even in class rather then do my class work. I longed for independence, and true freedom. I felt like a prisoner in my own house and my mother, and then grandfather were my wardens.

I was on a tight leash growing up, that's when the feeling of being sufficated and unhappy turned into anxiety. Then the gaslighting started lasting for almost eight years. Now I say this with heavy heart, emotional abuse is worse I think then physical abuse. The mind can only take so much before it breaks into a million pieces with no one to put those pieces back together.

I think what makes this harder was my abuser was a pier of the community. No one coudl see through the facade. I don't think any say past his veil. He was that good.

For me watching all this unfold one could only imagine the shock on my face. It was truly surreal. Can anyone imagine living with a narrissist for almost eight years with no one to protect. And a Gemini Narrissist at that.

The loneliness envloped me, walls were built, and fake facades were put it to protect myself. I remember this very well. Fresh wounds it got so bad that I became afraid of my abuser. He would clinge to do these the most:

𝟏: 𝐏𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐟𝐚𝐫𝐞

He would lean on this the most ask questions and manipulate to get answers. Insist that someone else told him these things. I got smarter though over time. I became secretative only when I met my husband. I know my grandfather wouldn't approve because he is afro Caribbean. I think when I fell in love with Shane that's when I wanted to protect my happiness. In the eyes of the old man (grandfather) he didn't like that. He wanted to fix that by playing his favourite game psychological warefare. When a narrisscist plays games like this the victim likes to dissociate. I called this Warrior state of mind. In movies when a warrior is being tortured for days, or weeks they go to a different state of mind hold onto the happy memories they could muster inside. While being puniched and such the warrior would think of other things. That's what I would do the possibility of happiness I didn't want him to take that away from me.

𝟐: 𝐆𝐚𝐬𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

As a victim of this I loathed it the most. When I was at my happiest. He would walk up to me "hey who has you so happy, is it a boy." I would turn white faced. "I don't know what your talking about." "Emily, I already know about him black man right. I saw you hanging out with him." I looked at him didn't say anything. My mind is thinking, wow you been to saint lucia. You saw me have sex with him in my head. I wish I would have done that minus you saying you saw me. As the mind games and gaslighting I would ignore him. I didn't talk to him at all only when I really needed to. As a last result, against all odd it was mostly when he had control over my money. A narrissist who has control over your finances that is scary enough. Having to ask a narrissist for your own money that's humilating.

𝟑: 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠

Remember when I said I felt like a prison in my own home. This is the biggest reason I felt like this. I couldn't do anything I wanted, when I wanted to do something I had to ask permission even at twenty-four. "Emily you know the rules when dating I must meet the man." Most common narrcisstic people need to have control I never really understood this. He controlled my money, controlled who I dated, I think if it were up to him I wouldn't be married at all.

𝟺: 𝑃𝑙𝑜𝑡𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑀𝑦 𝐹𝑟𝑒𝑒𝑑𝑜𝑚

I felt this overwhelming need to be free from the binds that hold me. I knew I had to plan my escape. But when I was a victim I was scared of the possibility of being free. As often as I was humiliated toyed with hurt I sadly help onto those feelings and just stayed.

Nine years of fearing, and feeling unsafe. That was then, now I am free. I am happy, and I am loved by my husband. He gave me hope, and made me see you don't deserve this.

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