My Book is Published 🥳 🙌 🎊🙌🎊🙌🎊🙌🎊🙌🎊🙌🎊

I have never been so excited to share news with you all… 🥹 (which in itself will explain my most recent lengthy absence!).

I don’t know how long ago I was last here - but it was then that I realised I was still procrastinating the one thing I had promised myself I would complete. One of the main reasons I came back to Sri Lanka in the first place - to write my book.

With douses of inspiration and desperation in equal measures I have managed to focus on completing a task that been in the works for over three years now (although in my defence, it had been a pretty eventful past two years between the protests and being hunted by the Sri Lankan government).

Given that it’s essentially my journal from 2020, you wouldn’t think it would have taken so much work to compete. I certainly didn’t think so when I began the project all those years ago. But it has been. For as much as I wrote down at the time - there were still gaps to be filled in. Some rather significant. Others where I had to provide context for the reader.

This meant that I had to truly return to that time using everything I had at my disposal - my many notebooks, phone notes, emails, texts, photos and, of course, memory.

There are things that I didn’t write about at the time because I was too afraid to. I was so paranoid that I didn’t trust enough that I could safely write my thoughts. Those memories were vivid and easy to access, because whatever we try to repress is always amplified within us.

After filling these gaps, and a large edit, I did that thing we all love to do as writers. I lost all confidence in it being worthy of publishing and shelved it. For months. 9 months. It was such highly triggering time to go back over in my life. There was such extreme chaos and dysfunction, and so much shame to overcome.

Intense shame.

Shame in my thought processes, my poor judgement and decision making, my lack of ability to protect myself from predators…. there was just so much that I felt deeply, deeply ashamed of. I thought myself crazy to even consider opening myself up to the inevitable ridicule and cruelty of the unconscious and that outweighed any desire or inclination to publish.

I had initially wanted to reach out to others who had suffered as I had, wanting them to feel less alone, isolated and hopeless. Wanting them to realise they aren’t crazy and that they would recover (because they are reading all of this knowing that I overcame it all).

But I was scared to.

However, through the gift of time and decompression, I realised recently just how much I had grown. How much shame I had released. Shame that was never actually ever mine to carry in the first place. I always did the best I could, in the circumstances I had, whilst operating in unimaginable levels of fear. I survived in the only ways I knew how to survive.

Shame is not for me.

Shame is for those who harm others. Who harshly judge others. For those who lack compassion. Bullies can’t handle their shame and so they vomit it over everyone else, hoping it will stick and somehow relieve them of their sickness. But their sickness is not mine.

It can no longer infect me because I am now healthy. Their cruely and shaming will no longer stop me from helping to give hope and inspiration to others. It will not stop me from sharing the truth. It still pains me greatly that people like them exist, but I no longer take it personally. It never was personal.

How others treat us is a measure of them and them only. It has no bearing on our worth nor our work.

Perhaps it’s only now that I could complete this book because of who I became. I started writing as a caterpillar and transformed along the way. I grew my wings.

My past self wasn’t brave enough or strong enough. But now? Now that I’ve evicted from my body all of the poisonous cruel judgements and opinions others had ever infected me with - I can fly high above it all and know that the shame I felt in how I was treated is actually theirs.

My book opens with a beautiful quote by Anne Lamott, a fellow writer who spoke at a TED talk with these powerful words;

If people wanted you to write more warmly about them, they should have behaved better

It was this quote that helped me to have the strength to tell the truth. The whole truth. In all of it’s awfulness. Of course I changed the names of those mentioned inside. As a strong advocate of truth - this was actually incredibly hard for me to do. But after some reading, it seemed that I could open up the possibility to be sued if I didn’t.

And the last thing I want is to be dragged through that process by people who have already stolen enough of my time, my youth and my energy. I know how evil and poisonous some of them still are to this day - and I have no desire to let them drag me back into the hell that I’ve worked so hard to escape.

All but one, actually. There is one person whose name I couldn’t change. Ethically, morally or without betraying myself again. A person who should feel the weight of shame upon him for being a predator of the worst kind. One who the world should be warned about, should they ever venture onto the south coast Sri Lankan surf beaches.

I strongly believe that this piece of my journey, my suffering, told in all of its ugliness and beauty, will be able to connect with others who are in the midst of theirs. Especially those who fear they are “going crazy” and will never recover. Especially for those caught in patterns of self neglect, abuse and abandonment. For those flirting with suicide. For those who were never shown their true value, worth or importance.

I believe it will also help medical and nursing students, families and nurses of those suffering severe and complex trauma to have a very real insight into what intense paranoia is truly like. If you are blessed enough to have always had your health and sanity, there are experiences that you will simply not be able to understand. And how can you best support someone if you don’t truly understand? This book can help to create that bridge.

The book is many things. It’s a deep insight into the thought processes of a person who has endured so much trauma that they have lost all ability to trust. Not only in people, but in life itself. In everything.

It is also a valuable learning resource. When you zoom out perspective and begin to piece together the patterns that play out, you cannot fail to understand how intrinsically linked physical nurture, connection to nature and self care (and protecting oneself from toxic people) are to mental health.

It also really proves that manifesting is real. What we think about - becomes. Good or bad is irrelevant to this universal law. You attract situations based on your frequency. Hence a person living in extreme fear - attracts situations with extreme predators (who are also living in fear).

Whenever I changed my vibration (albeit chemically) everything flowed. Everything was better.

The trick to having a good life is in maintaining your frequency and energy in sustainable ways. Staying in a love frequency changes everything. Hence it’s vital to eat well, sleep well, etc etc. But it took this journey into hell for me to really begin piecing this truth together. The hard way!

Not something I would recommend to anyone.

If you are anything like me, you will find yourself mentally screaming Nooooo as you watch me convince myself that I should ignore toxic behaviours and think the best of people who repeatedly proved themselves to be awful, in favour of maintaining (dysfunctional) connection.

When I completed the manuscript, I realised my word count was just under 200,000. And they don’t print books that size 😅. Thankfully, there was a really perfect split point at exactly halfway. So perfect that it seemed entirely meant to be. You will understand why when you read the final line.

I plastered strong trigger warnings on the book… because it needs them. It seriously needs them! There is strong language throughout, explicitly described drug use, sex, suicidal ideation… to name just a few.

When I say this is the uncensored truth, it truly is. I don’t believe in hiding my mistakes, or hiding in shame that is not mine. Nothing can be learned there.

I truly, truly hope that you will not only support me and buy my book, but also read it and share it with others. Talk about it. The entire prologue is dedicated to explaining my current (and desperate) situation. It is very rare that buying a book can truly save someone life or be the difference between the author eating or not eating - but this is that rare book!

So please, please support me. Even if it is just to have that vivid and beautiful cover on your bookshelf or desk! And if you do read it, please tell me! I don’t have a big reach or any way to advertise this other than word of mouth from… well…. You!

Thank you so much,

Much Love ❤️

P.S. Did I mention I had to complete all edits of the book on my phone because I don’t have a laptop anymore (as it was seized by authorities here).

Which was gruelling!!!! 😣 (I don’t recommend it to anyone who values their eyesight!)

I absolutely know the formatting is far from perfect for this reason. I had a repeating issue with paragraphs grouping together and leaving a line missing at the end of (some) pages. It wasn’t fixable.

But as someone wise and kind once told me…

Done is better than perfect.

And oh how much that line has helped in sending this book for publishing. I should have read over it once more - but there really is a limit as to how many times your mind is willing to entertain the past….

Below should be working links to Amazon paperback and e-book versions. If either fail, searching “feelings of unreality Kayleigh” will bring it up 🙂 At the time of publishing this to Vocal, I am still awaiting confirmation of my book being available on paperback. This may still be a day or two away.