Musings of an Independent Woman

I have been alone for the vast majority of my life. Not in a “she lives in a cabin in the woods by herself and was raised by wolves” kind of way.

In the “she never made time for romantic relationships” kind of way. To put that in perspective, I am 28 years old, and I have only been in one relationship that lasted one year.

“Why?” you may ask. Well, as I said, I never made time to date. I grew up in the Disney generation where the boy meets the girl by some chance, they fall in love and live happily ever after. Or one of my favorite couples: Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. I first watched Pride & Prejudice when I was in middle school, a few years after the 2005 adaptation by Joe Wright with Kiera Knightley and Matthew MacFayden was released.

Let me just say, it’s been well over a decade, and I’m still obsessed: the casting, the locations, the score. Perfection! But I digress.

My point is they were the couple I modeled all my potential relationships after. I wanted Mr. Darcy. Not the wealth – I wouldn’t be upset about it, though – or the rank in society, though that doesn’t seem to play as big a role now.

I wanted someone kind, well-spoken (yes, I did read the book…at least a dozen times), devoted to family and willing to challenge me and push me to be better than I am. Those are all things I hope to inspire in a future partner, as well.

But as time passed, I found that I wasn’t meeting anyone to meet my (admittedly) high standards. I mean, who can compare to Mr. Darcy?

In the words of movie-Jane Bennett, “[He’s] just what a young man ought to be.” A man of his word, dedicated to family and those he loves, and willing to learn from his mistakes and criticism.

Was he the chattiest? No. Absolutely not, but when he did speak, his words were worth listening to, each word chosen carefully.

I know how difficult that is to find now – from anyone, myself included. It’s hard to admit when you’re wrong or could have done better. It’s even harder to actually make those changes to be better.

I’ve became more comfortable with being alone. I decided that I didn’t need a man to make me happy. I’m perfectly content with being on my own. When I date someone, I have to want to be with them more than I want to be alone – being with them should be energy neutral, at worst, and invigorating at best, not a drain on my social battery. I want to look forward to seeing them, to sitting quietly together doing all the domestic, fluffy things, and the exciting outings and learning each other.

I’m not going to lie – re-entering the dating world after such a long absence has not been easy. Too often I’ve found the men I am talking to, and going on dates with, are far more presumptuous than is comfortable, mistaking my shyness for being coy, my innocence for playing hard to get. So, when I’ve been ghosted or “broken up” with, it’s often not a surprise and usually a relief.

“Why?” you may ask, again.

The answer is simple and worth repeating – I want to be with someone who makes me want to be with them more than I want to be alone and if they don’t want me in their life, I’m not going to sit here fighting for them to stay.

That being said, there have been a couple occasions where I thought that the first date had gone really well, and I was excited at the prospect of seeing them again. But then, ghosted. The first few times that happened, I was really upset, wondering if I’d said something wrong or didn’t wear the right thing, etc. etc. Then I realized, I’m not going to change who I am to make some guy happy, so if they don’t like me on the first date, then it’s not my fault. I’m just not their cup of tea.

It's taken a long time to convince my anxious, people-pleasing side of this fact. But it’s true.

I am strong, smart, and capable, all on my own. I don’t need a man in my life. So, I can take my time in finding the right guy for my life. I can wade through all the guys who don’t respect boundaries, think I’m playing hard to get because I don’t put out on their timeline. We are nearing our 30s, or already in them. I’d expect a certain level of communication and mutual respect at this age, which furthers my argument of taking my time to find the right person. I’m in no hurry.